


the world doesn't stop turning

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depression, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Smut, Some Explicit Language, Some mentions of abuse, Suicide Attempt, alcoholic, angst angst and more angst, explicit scenes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2020-02-09 10:04:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 42,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18635938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It certainly was a sight. To see these two beautiful boys, broken from things that happened in the world around them, slowly become pieced back together just by being in the mere presence of the other.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Howdy !
> 
> Spent a lot of time on this-it's my baby and I'm glad to finally put it out here!  
> Thanks for taking the time to read it.
> 
> Just some fore-warnings: some aspects could be triggering
> 
> *mentions of addiction (alcohol)  
> *mentions of abuse  
> *mentions / attempt of suicide
> 
> I've put trigger warnings before each chapter that may contain something triggering.  
> A lot of that stuff was loosely based on real life events that I went through, just modified to fit the story. So I want to remind ya'll that depression and anxiety doesn't look the same for everyone. So if you've experienced it, know someone who has, and it doesn't line up, well this is what I experienced. 
> 
> Anywho! 
> 
> It's pretty angsty but also v v soft, so I hope you give this a chance.
> 
> xx Amy

“Oh bloody hell, Louis. You can’t keep doing this every weekend.” 

 

“I’m sooorry Niall. It was just supposed to be a few drinks, but then he-“ Louis pointed an accusatory finger at the man, “HE kept buying me shots.. and I mean… what was I supposed to do…” Louis had found himself being pampered by a gorgeous man, who, apparently, found fun in getting Louis shit-faced. 

 

“Say no,” Niall responded bluntly, who in contrast, did not find any fun in Louis being shit faced. Especially when he was getting a call at 2 a.m telling him that Louis was in a pretty bad state, and he needed to be picked up. 

 

“I’m sorry,” the mystery man chuckled at the sight Louis. “I really could have taken care of him and gotten him home, but I guess they didn’t think I was suitable for the job.” 

 

“It’s alright, mate,” Niall said, shaking his hand. “I’m used to it.” 

 

The man nodded, apologized once more and said his goodbye to Louis, who was too distracted by the flashing lights that had just appeared in the bar to say goodbye back.

 

“Louis…. Louis??” Niall said, waving his hands in his face, as Louis’ gaze wandered across the room. 

 

“Hm?” his eyes, still drifting from left to right, following the spontaneous movement of the lights

 

“Louis, hello? Pay attention to me.. Not the lights…” Niall said gently, moving his body in front of Louis, cutting off his vision to the lights. 

 

“But.. but they’re so pretty. It looks like a rainbow,” Louis drawled out slowly, his hands moving in an arch formation, replicating the shape of a rainbow.

 

“Louis… we have to go. It’s late, and you need to get to bed.” 

 

“But the lights! Niall look!” Louis exclaimed wildly. 

 

“I know. Pretty lights. Rainbow. Got it, we have to get you home,” Niall said a bit more urgently. 

 

Louis finally looked at him, “do you hate me?” 

 

“No..” Niall sighed, “I don’t.” 

 

But Louis clearly didn’t believe him as his face settled into a pout. 

 

“Yes, yes you do,” Louis whimpered, crossing his hands across his chest. 

 

“Lou, you’re acting like a child. I don’t… I don’t hate you… come on lad, let’s get you home.” 

 

“Only if you promise that you don’t hate me,” Louis said, not making any moves to get up, lips still curled in his pout. He lifted his pinky up, suggesting that Niall do the same.

 

“I promise, Louis.” Niall intertwining his own pinky with Louis’.

 

“You  _ swear _ you don’t hate me N,” Louis whispered once more as Niall struggled to pull his jelly-like body out of the chair. His body working against Niall’s force. 

 

“Yes, Louis. I swear.” 

 

Louis weakly got up, wrapped his arm around Niall, and settled his weight against him, before pulling out a wad of change and handing it to the bartender. 

 

“My apologies ma’am,” he slurred. 

 

“I’ve had worse. Get him back safely,” she directed towards Niall. 

 

Niall thanked her, and ensured that he’d get Louis back safely, and the two left the bar in the same way they had for the past four weeks. Things had not been easy for Louis. And that was putting it lightly. His mom had passed away just weeks before, and Louis was, well, handling it in the only way he knew how. Hit on guys, drink, repeat. 

 

It was a constant cycle, and it didn’t look like he’d be stopping anytime soon.

 

***

 

“Just say it Niall”, Louis sighed the next morning knowing he was going to get it. Deservedly so, however. 

 

It  _ was  _ Niall, though, and Louis knew that even if he was really upset, he wouldn’t completely say what he felt. 

 

“Louis you know I love you, and I will always come and get you.. but, it’s getting out of control.” Niall hated the confrontation, but he had his own life and he couldn’t spend every second watching over Louis or worrying about him. 

 

“God I’m sorry N, it’s not fair to you- and I know I say this every time. But that is the last time that happens. Honest.” Louis said this with his entire chest as if he wasn’t meeting up with someone for drinks in two hours. While meeting someone for drinks didn’t always equate to getting drunk, Louis made an exception. 

 

“Louis, I want you to go out and have fun...I- I  know it’s been really hard on you ever since your mother passed away…” Niall said quietly. “I can’t even imagine. I don’t want to imagine... I know these ‘escapades’ are just your ways of dealing with it. I understand. I just want you to be able to have fun  _ and _ remember it the next day…” 

 

“I do remember what happens on my ‘escapades’ as you like to call them, for the most part,” Louis retorted. And being the little shit he was, added, “Neil,” knowing how much Niall hated it.

 

“Okay, Lewis,” Niall retorted, “you sure about that?” 

 

“Yes, test me,” Louis responded confidently. 

 

“Hair color?” 

 

“Brown.” 

 

“Hair style?” 

 

“Curly.”

 

“Height?”

 

“I don’t know, but he  _ was _ shorter than me.” Niall had to laugh. Louis standing at 5’8 knew that there was no way the man was shorter than him. 

 

“Eye color?” 

 

“Blue.” 

 

“Wrong. His eyes were not blue they were, in fact, green.” Then following that, Niall asked, “What was his name?”

 

Louis contemplated that for a little bit. 

 

“I’m going to be honest with you, Niall. But I don't know. I personally don’t remember him ever introducing himself, so I wouldn’t say that that’s exactly my fault.” 

  
Niall rolled his eyes, “my point exactly.”

 

“You really think I would have remembered, though considering he was the most handsome man I’d ever seen in my life…” Louis noted, thinking about how he may never see the man again.

 

***

 

“So Louis, what do you like to do?” 

 

Louis tried to stifle a yawn, as this was single handedly the most boring date he had ever been on. He somehow managed to land a date with a sober monitor. 

 

Literally… the guy was in charge of AA meetings, and “encouraged a fulfilling life of sobriety.” It was almost comedic that these two had somehow managed to cross paths. 

 

Additionally, this man was nowhere near as attractive as the man Louis was with last night. Even worse, however, he didn’t know how to answer that question. Louis tried to rack his brain for something, anything to say about himself. He liked to drink… that was about it. 

 

How sad was that? The only thing he could attribute to himself and to his personality was that he liked to drink...

 

“I play some football,” Louis deciding that that was the better, more acceptable answer. 

 

“Oh, cool. Do you watch any?” 

 

“Oh yeah, love it!” Louis had played football for years, but lost interest after his mom had passed. She was the reason he started playing in the first place. It was too soon for him to jump back into it, knowing that his mother wouldn’t be there to cheer him on. 

 

“You keep up with the Rams?”

 

The Rams? Louis tried to think if he could remember any clubs with that name… 

 

“You know, the Los Angeles Rams?” Kieran said, looking at Louis like he was dumb. 

 

Oh. Now Louis got it. Fucking Americans. Louis thought that with his accent, Kieran could have reasoned that with him being British, he meant soccer. 

 

“Oh, sorry, I should’ve clarified. I meant soccer…” and to think that Kieran thought  _ he _ was stupid for not understanding... 

 

“Oh that’s neat. Not very big here in the States, though.” 

 

Yeah, Louis noticed. 

 

He shrugged, “I still try to play here and there. There are some club teams…” 

 

The date dragged on as Louis and Kieran talked mindlessly about things that were irrelevant, never diving past the surface. Louis really struggled with not getting up at a given moment and leaving. Hell, the date would have been barely manageable if he was intoxicated.

 

Louis almost laughed when he asked about a second date.

 

“Yeah, sure Kieran. I’ll call you sometime,” Louis lied. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the things I would do to party with Louis are endless, and to deal with a pouty baby? sign me up


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry's a gentleman and Niall's fed up with Louis

“Hello, everyone. My name’s Harry...” 

 

“Hi Harry,” the circle responded. 

 

“Hi, um I was six months clean, but I broke down so now it’s been three days.” 

 

“Tell us what happened.” 

 

“Well, I was out with some friends the other night at a bar.. which was obviously my first mistake. I shouldn’t have even been there. But we were just talking, having a good time, you know how it is. I had a water, but then I saw this beautiful bo- ah… a beautiful girl…”

 

Harry was having a hard time changing the pronouns. He didn’t really think he’d get too judged for it, but being in a room with mostly middle-aged white men, well he didn’t want to take his chances with dealing with any homophobes.

 

“Who you had to go up to and buy a drink for?” 

 

“I… I mean I guess. When you say it, it sounds stupid.” Harry was embarrassed. It just sounded so- mundane and childish. Harry couldn’t believe he abandoned his morals all for some guy.

 

“Oh no, Harry. I didn’t mean for it to sound condescending. We all have our triggers. It’s okay. No judgement...”

 

“Ah yeah, so,” Harry continued, “I went up to hi- her and introduced myself and asked if I could buy her a drink. And she responded that she’d only accept it if I drank with her… and I thought it would be rude to offer a drink, and then just leave.” 

 

“Ever the gentleman, are we Harry?” someone retorted. 

 

“We don’t talk until it’s our turn, let him finish.” 

 

Harry blushed, “I just had one shot, and that’s it, but it doesn’t matter I still lost control...” 

 

“Did you at least get the girl?” The same person asked. 

 

“Uh.. no he.. she left a little bit after and i didn’t catch her name,” Harry said, his face getting redder and redder. 

 

“That’s a shame.” 

 

“ahem..” the leader coughed, “thank you for sharing Harry. We’re glad you’re here.” 

 

Others in the circle nodded their agreement, before the leader stood up saying, “that’s all for today folks, we’ll pick up in two weeks, and continue the conversation. See you.” 

 

Harry started to get up, before the leader came over, “Hey, Harry. I didn’t get to introduce myself earlier. I’m Kieran,” he said, extending his hand. “I’m glad you joined us. I hope you’ll consider coming to more… you seem like a very aware and conscientious young man, which i think could be good for this group.” 

 

“Oh, thank you.. I think I will,” Harry said, smiling, before turning away.

 

“Oh and Harry. We don’t pass judgement here… whether it’s about alcohol, drugs… sexuality…you’re free to speak how you please and be whoever you would like to be.” 

 

Harry looked at him, and gave a slight nod, “thanks I’ll, uh, keep that in mind.” 

 

***

 

“So how was it?” 

 

Harry sighed, “it was fine I guess. It was nice to get it off my chest.” 

 

“It was completely unnecessary, Harry. You’re not even close to being an alcoholic. It’s commendable, what you’re doing, but having one shot doesn’t mean you need to go confessional and share your sins.”

 

“But it does, Nick. Like I’ve been trying so hard to remain sober and I just give it up because of what, a guy? What does that say about me?” 

 

“That you’re human, Harry. We all have our triggers…” 

 

“You’re the second person who’s told me that. If my trigger is good looking men, then I’m doomed.” 

 

“Harry you haven’t been in a relationship since you broke off the engagement with Declan. It’s been seven months, you have every right to get out there.”

 

Harry shot him a glare at the mention of his ex-fiance. Nick knew that was an extremely touchy subject and Harry would prefer to just not speak about him. He didn’t need karma to come knocking from him mentioning Declan.

 

Nick noticed the glare and lifted his hands as if to say  _ I surrender _ before turning the conversation back to his date. 

 

“So this boy that you met up with the other day… you like him?”

 

“Yeah. There was something really special about him. I just… I can barely even remember his name. Liam?... Luke?... Leo…”

 

***

“Louis!”

“Phoebe! Daisy! C’mere” Louis yelled, sweeping them both up into a giant hug, “I’ve missed you guys so much.”

 

“We’ve missed you too, Lou,” the girls responded.

 

“Your hair is longer…” Lottie said from behind them, “I like it,” she smiled, while ruffling his hair. 

 

“It’s good to see you, too,” Louis, smiled fondly. 

 

“Lou, we’re hungry, do you have any snacks?” 

 

“Of course, go check in the fridge, I’m sure you’ll find something you like...” 

 

“How are they?” Louis asked once they had disappeared into the other room.    
  


Lottie sighed, “as well as you can expect. Fiz has been doing a good job of watching over them… we’re doing the best we can.”

  
“I- I know… I’m sorry I haven’t been home… been there for you guys.”

  
“Oh Louis, it’s okay, we understand. I’m just glad we can see you now, though I’m sad Fizzy can’t join us…” Then, more quietly, “How  _ are  _ you doing?” 

 

“I.. as well as expected,” Louis echoed. But he wasn’t doing well at all. He felt her absence everyday, and alcohol was what he used to fill that absence. But everyone knew that alcohol was just empty calories, so he was never truly full. 

 

“Niall reached out to me as well…” Lottie started. Louis shook his head, embarrassed. 

 

“Are you sure you’re doing okay, Lou? You’ve always been really conscientious and careful about that sort of thing… I just…” she trailed off with a look of worry in her eyes.

 

“I know, I know it’s okay, I’m fine.” 

 

Lottie looked at him uncertain of the truth, if there was any, behind his words.    
  


“Lot.. I promise, I’m okay,” Louis reassured her. 

 

“Just know that we’re always here for you… you’re not the only one who’s going through this. It wouldn’t hurt to call every once in awhile,” Lottie said, jokingly. 

 

“I’m sorry, I’m a terrible brother…” 

 

“Lou! You’re not a terrible brother, we love you,” the girls, just coming out the kitchen with a handful of snacks, exclaimed, enveloping him in a hug. 

 

Louis smiled, feeling better than he had in months, “I love you guys the most.” 

 

***

 

The girls left a week later, and Louis felt more alone than ever. Niall was in New York, working on music with his new, up and coming folk band. His absence became increasingly apparent as the week dragged on. The amount of absences that Louis was dealing with pushed him to the edge. Friday night came and went, and Louis became so stir crazy, he couldn’t take it.

 

“One drink.. Just one drink,” he repeated as he walked into the club. Although even he knew that having one drink was a lie. 

 

So one drink became two, and two became four, and four became eight, and the once sober Louis was blackout drunk. 

 

“Is it… is it getting hot in here?” Louis asked to no one in particular. His body became increasingly hotter, as the beat got more intense, and the flashing lights encircled him in a dance. It was everything all at once, and then it was nothing. 

 

***

 

Quiet chatter, bright lights, and the rhythmic beeps of a machine awoke Louis from his slumber. 

 

“Oh good, you’re awake,” a man in blue cloths said, noticing the slow opening of Louis’ eyes. 

 

“Where am I?” Louis asked, which really was a stupid question, because it was quite obvious from the amount of nurses, and the smell, that he was in a hospital.

 

“The hospital. You passed out last night from drinking too much. Someone from the club called it in, worried that you might have alcohol poisoning…” 

 

Louis fell back into the bed, groaning, the headache hitting him immediately.

 

“But luckily, no alcohol poisoning. You’ll just have a wicked hangover for the rest of the day, if not into tomorrow, too. I’m supposed to call someone but the only person who picked up was-”

 

“Niall,” Louis finished for him. 

 

The nurse nodded his head yes. 

 

“Oh, he’s going to kill me,” Louis muttered.

 

“Yes he is,” Niall’s voice coming from somewhere behind him. “Jesus, Lou. You look like shit,” Niall said bluntly, coming into view. His face full of disappointment.

 

“Niall, I-” Louis shot him a desperate glance. 

 

“Hey doc, is he all good to go?” Niall asked, ignoring Louis altogether. 

 

“Yep, just make sure he drinks a lot of water.” 

 

“And a shower…” Niall said more quietly so only Louis heard, “you stink.” 

 

***

 

“Was it a boy again?” Niall asked once they were in the car. 

 

“No,” Louis said embarrassed, “this was all me.” 

 

“Oh, Louis, I don’t know what to do with you…” Niall said exasperated. 

 

“You don’t  _ have _ to do anything,” Louis retorted, “I’m a big boy. I can take care of myself,”

 

“Clearly you can’t!” Niall raised his voice. 

 

Louis sighed, “Why’d you come back Niall, you’re supposed to be in New York.” 

 

“Because Lou,” he said more softly, “you don’t have anyone else.” 

 

***

 

Louis couldn’t sleep that night.  _ Because Lou, you don’t have anyone else _ was stuck in his brain on an endless loop.  _ You don’t have anyone else… you don’t have anyone else… _ Louis screamed into his pillow, sobbing. 

 

“What’s happening to me?” Louis whimpered into the black abyss. 

  
  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you're a wizard harry !
> 
> whoops wrong fandom

Harry was running late. Harry was always running late. But today, he was even more so than usual. Harry desperately watched his clock change from 9:25 to 9:26, as he was stuck in a traffic jam only the LA highways could produce. Harry tried to calculate the distance in his head. 

 

Technically, if the traffic magically cleared up, he could make it in three minutes if he really, really stepped on the gas. But since he was no wizard, Harry had to sit and wait as the minutes ticked by, past 9:30-  making him officially late. 

 

***

 

Harry quietly closed the door behind him, as the sign reading “AA meetings every Thursday at 9:30 a.m.” flapped against it. 

 

He could hear someone talking, although he didn’t recognize the voice. Harry waited in the dark hallway until the man finished talking, knowing it’d be rude to walk in now. 

 

“Yeah, so that’s why I’m here…” he heard the voice say. “Thank you…?” the man finished, a hint of a question lingering. Harry figured when he heard the squeaking of the chair, he was safe to enter.

 

“Oh Harry, glad you could make it,” Kieran said. “You just missed the introduction of our newest guest,” he said gesturing to a man to his left. 

 

The man looked up, and to Harry’s surprise, he recognized him. There was no mistaking those blue eyes.

 

“Uh yeah,” he said getting up to shake Harry’s hand, “I’m Louis. It’s nice to meet you.”

 

***

 

Louis decided he had a problem. A big problem, although he didn’t want to admit it. Would he consider himself an alcoholic? No. It wasn’t like he was drinking every day…  it’s just that when he did decide to drink, he couldn’t control it... at all. The solution to his problem hit him right in the face. 

 

Well not right in the face, Niall had slapped the flyer down on the table that morning at breakfast. 

“You’re going,” and no, it certainly was not a suggestion. 

 

As soon as Louis entered the building he regretted it immediately. All around him were posters that read  _ you can overcome anything  _ and his personal favorite,  _ you’re one step closer to a better you! _

 

“For christ’s sake,” he muttered under his breath. 

 

“Oh! Louis,” 

 

_ Oh you have got to be kidding me, _ Louis thought. There was no way in hell this was real life. The man who was running this specific AA group was none other than Kieran. As in- Kieran, the man who Louis literally just went out with and almost died of boredom. But it also made sense… the posters had Kieran’s name written all over them. 

 

“Wow.. this is a… surprise,” Louis said, mentally killing Niall. 

 

“Yeah, what are the odds?” Kieran agreed, smiling. 

 

“Next to none... “ Louis mumbled under his breath. 

 

Kieran shifted a little bit uncomfortably picking up on Louis’ lack of interest.  

 

“Well... welcome! If you would fill out a nametag over on that table, that’d be great. We also ask our new guests to introduce themselves and tell us their story.. How they got here, why they’re here...etc. If you’d be okay with that?” 

 

“Uh, yeah sure,” Louis responded, hesitantly.  _ Jesus christ _ .  _ It feels like I’m back in summer camp. When are we going to start crafts?  _ Louis thought, sarcastically.  But he obliged, and filled out a nametag, just as more people started coming in. 

 

“Alright everyone, gather around,” Kieran said, gesturing in the direction of a circle of chairs. “Glad to see everyone again. We have a new member with us today,” he looked at Louis, “Louis- if you’d like to stand up and introduce yourself?”

 

Louis did his best to hide his discomfort as he stood up saying, “I’m Louis I-”, unable to finish because the rest of the group had responded, “Hi Louis.” It really happened exactly like it did in the movies. “Uh, yeah, hi. Um, I wouldn’t consider myself an alcoholic, but I have a really bad habit of drinking too much when I do.” Louis noticed many people around him shaking their head in agreement. 

 

“But my friend has been having to take care of me when I get bad, which isn’t fair. So to make it up to him, I agreed to come to a few meetings.” Behind him he heard a door open and shut. But he continued, “Yeah, so that’s why I’m here…Thank you?” Louis finished, just as the late comer walked in. 

 

“Thank you, Louis, for sharing.” 

 

“Thank you for sharing,” the group echoed.

 

Louis sat down as Kieran made his way over to the man. 

 

“Harry glad you could make it,” Louis overheard him say. They were talking quietly before he gestured over to Louis. Louis stood up to introduce himself, and nearly fell over himself, as the man standing in front of him was one of the most handsome men he had ever seen. 

 

“Uh yeah,” he stuttered, “I’m Louis it’s nice to meet you.” 

 

***

 

Harry was floored. Clearly, Louis didn’t remember them meeting a month ago, but that’s not why he was floored. Louis was… fucking beautiful. Harry stared at him a little too long, but recovered, and offered up his hand, “Nice to meet you as well. It’s Harry, Harry Styles,” their two hands lingered a little too long enclasped together, as they stared into each other’s eyes.

 

“Um,” Kieran said, awkwardly, “now that you two have been introduced to each other, let’s continue our meeting.” While he babbled, Harry felt the gaze of Louis on him the entire time. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, not because Louis made him uncomfortable, but because he was… horny? Harry looked down and sighed,  _ you have got to be kidding me.  _ Yeah.. he was definitely feeling a little hot at the moment. 

 

Harry pulled his shirt to cover his crotch, praying that it would go away soon, and even more so, that Louis hadn’t noticed. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, Louis  _ did _ notice.

 

Louis laughed inside his hand as Harry shifted his shirt down to cover his lower area. Jesus, how badly he wanted to pound him right there. 

 

Louis and Harry twitched uncontrollably throughout the entire meeting, and both let out a sigh of relief when Kieran finally announced the meeting to be over. 

 

_ Do I go over to him… or? Just let it be… Maybe he was thinking about someone else,  _ thought Louis. Harry had gone over to talk to Kieran, and Louis wasn’t really in the mood to wait.

 

“Harry, you know alcohol anonymous is so people can share their stories and their struggles… anonymously, yeah?” 

 

“Oh yeah, of course,” Harry responded, confused.

 

“I’m just wondering if you and Louis knew each other?” 

 

“Oh, no. I’ve never met him before,” Harry lied, blushing. 

 

“Alright…” Kieran continued, “It’s also not recommended to, uh, fraternize with other members…” he said, glancing between Louis and Harry. “It’s just that sometimes people depend on the other to help them, and then things don’t work out, and they find themselves back to square one. You know how it goes…”    
  
“Oh, yeah I understand. No worries,” Harry, visibly uncomfortable, retorted. 

 

“Alright, just wanted to put that out there. Glad to see you here, Harry,” Kieran placed a hand on his back, just as Louis turned around. 

 

_ Oh sure,  _ he thought,  _ he was just getting a little excited because he’s fucking Kieran... Nice _ .  _ Well at least I won’t have to deal with him anymore... _

 

Louis sighed and was five feet to his car, when he heard someone behind him.

 

“Louis, right?” Harry asked, despite knowing that his name was in fact, Louis. 

 

“Yeah, hello,” Louis responded, confused. 

 

“I uh..was just wondering if you’d like to get a drink sometime,” he said, “ok well maybe not a  _ drink _ drink because we’re both..uh clearly here for a reason. But maybe for shakes, or smoothies, or a-” Louis laughed, cutting him off, “I’d love that.”

 

So maybe he wasn’t seeing Kieran, it was just Kieran who liked to pick up young men with an alcohol problem. That didn’t surprise Louis, he seemed the type… the type who’d try to ‘fix’ someone.

 

“Oh!” Harry exclaimed, “Great! Uh, I’ll just give you my number,” Harry offered, even though he knew Louis had his number from when they had met a month ago. Harry could’ve just told him that they’d met earlier, but something stopped him from doing that. A fresh start never killed anyone.

 

“Here you go,” Harry said as he handed the phone back to louis, after making sure his number was, in fact, there. 

 

“Thank you,” Louis said, “I’ll call you sometime. See you around.”

 

“See you around,” Harry echoed, admiring Louis’ ass as he walked away.

  
  
  



	4. Chapter 4

Louis sure was taking his time to call Harry. A week had gone by and nothing… just radio silence. “He hasn’t called, yet, Nick. It’s been a week… should I be worried? Should I call him first?”

 

“He’ll call,” Nick reassured him, “trust me. You’re a catch. But life happens and maybe something else is going on right now.” 

 

And indeed, something else  _ was  _ going on. 

 

Louis couldn’t understand why this kept happening. It was on a Tuesday when he receive a frantic call from Lottie telling him he had to come home since Fizzy was sick. Louis, of course, left the first chance he could.

 

Butterflies swarmed inside his stomach at the realization that he hadn’t been home since his mother’s funeral. Louis couldn’t help but feel a little deja vu, as he drove up the drive to his house where Lottie was waiting outside with the twins.    


“What’s happening?” Louis asked. 

 

“Fiz.. she fainted, just out of the blue. She’s getting taken to the Royal Infirmary. We have to go,” Lottie exclaimed urgently, shuffling the kids to get into the car. 

“What happened?” 

 

“We don’t know…” Lottie sighed. 

 

By the time they had reached the hospital, however, it was too late. Fizzy was gone, and Louis and his family have to suffer through another life changing loss. 

 

“I should have been here,” Louis said through his tears, “It’s not fair.. It’s not right.” 

 

“Nothing’s fair in this world, Louis. We of all people know that. You can’t blame yourself either, you needed to get away. We understand that. I promise. Whether you were in LA or you were here, it still could have been unavoidable,” Lottie said, pulling him in close. 

 

“There’s no way to change the ways of the world. And for some reason, this is what the world wanted…” 

 

“The world sucks,” Louis muttered, leaning into his sister. 

 

“Yeah,” Lottie chuckled a little, wiping away a tear, “it has not been kind to us recently.” 

 

Two weeks later Louis returned to LA after the funeral, and spending as much time with his family as possible. While he felt like he was abandoning his family again, he couldn’t bear to be in that house. Not when it reminded him of all the things he’d lost. 

  
“Lottie, I’m sorry. Let me put you and the twins up somewhere in LA. Please let me do this for you,” he begged before leaving. 

 

“Oh Louis, this is our home. You’re going to want to come back to it eventually, despite all the pain it holds. And we’ll be here when you do, you’re welcome back anytime,” Lottie said giving him the biggest hug. 

 

“I love you so much. Go take care of yourself,” she finished, smiling. 

 

“Goodbye, little ones,” Louis said choking up as he hugged the twins goodbye.

 

“Bye, Lou! We’ll miss you so much. Come home soon,” they said. If Louis stayed a few minutes more, he never would have left. Life wasn’t fair, he knew that much, but that wouldn’t stop him from feeling the guilt that was building up inside him.

 

And nothing ruined a person more than guilt. 

 

***

 

Louis was going in circles... literally. As soon as he stood up, the pressure inside his head caused him to sway and sit back down. He felt weightless, but also like the heaviest thing in the world. 

 

“Louis? Are you okay?” asked the man who had been buying him drinks for the past hour.    
  


“Yeah, yeah… I’m just feeling a little woozy,” he responded, choking back on his words, as he felt the need to get out all of the alcohol he had just consumed. He set his forehead on the table and tried to steady his breathing. 

 

“Are you sure? You don’t look so good-” 

 

“I’m fine-” Louis snapped. 

 

“I-uh, is there anyone I can call?” the man asked. 

 

Louis knew he’d be killed over and over again by Niall if he called him, so he responded with the second person he could think of, “Harry… call Harry.”

 

*** 

 

Harry was just about to sit down for dinner, when his phone rang. At the sight of Louis’ name, Harry felt his pulse quicken.

 

“Hello? Louis?” He answered. 

 

“Oh no, this is a friend. Louis is really bad right now and he told me to call you…”    


Harry looked at his watch, it was 6:30 and Louis was wasted? 

 

“Oh yeah, uh- where are you guys?” 

 

“Seven Grand, on 7th street, 2nd floor.” 

 

“Oh I know where that is, I’ll be there in 10.” Harry hung up. What was going on? Harry definitely would not have called Louis if he was in the same situation… strange. Harry wasn’t going to dwell on it too much, and left. Per usual, though, Harry was late and when he arrived at the bar, the amount of people who were there increased drastically. His head flipped from left to right as he tried to find Louis. Which would be more difficult than he realized since he was so small. His eyes wandered around the bar, until he found a man with his head resting between his hands.

 

“Louis?” In response, the man’s head popped up as his vision focused in on Harry. 

 

“Harry you came,” the words came out slurred. 

 

“Yeah,” then directing his attention to the man next to him he asked, “uh- I guess I’ll just take it from here. Thanks for calling,” the man nodded and walked away.

 

“Come on Louis, let’s get you up.” Harry lifted Louis from the seat, as he swayed a bit before regaining some balance. “Can you walk?” Harry asked. 

 

Louis nodded yes as he clung to Harry’s shirt. Harry and Louis stumbled out of the bar side by side. 

 

In the car, Harry asked Louis where he lived, to which he responded, “Doncaster.”

 

“No Louis, where do you live here?” 

 

“I live in Doncaster…” he repeated. 

 

“Louis…” but he wasn’t going to get anything out of him, as he watched Louis’ eyes fluttered shut. Harry sighed, and turned around to go back to his house. 

 

Louis was out when Harry pulled into his driveway. Luckily for Harry, Louis was tiny so he was easily able to swoop him up into his arms and carry him into the guest bedroom. There was still a little light peeking in through the room and as it landed across Louis, Harry smiled, he really was beautiful. 

 

Harry pulled a blanket over Louis, and closed the door softly behind him. 

 

Louis awoke hours later, and checked his watch- 12:00 blinked back at him. Louis sighed, and rolled out of bed, before realizing he had no idea where the hell he was. He looked around the room, trying to make sense of his surroundings. The room was pretty bare, with a plant in the corner, a lamp and a reclining chair. There was no indication of whose house he was in.

 

Louis tried to remember the events that happened, but everything was a massive blur. Louis started panicking…had he been drugged? He searched around for his phone which he found on the bedside table. 

 

“Louis?”

 

“Niall- I.. I don’t know where I am… I’m kind of scared,” Louis said, realizing he sounded pathetic.

 

“Louis, what do you mean you don’t know where you are?!”

 

“I don’t know! I’m in someone’s house and I don’t know how I got here.” 

  
“Oh for Christ’s sake, Louis. Just leave, call an uber or something. It’s not like the door’s locked, right?” That was actually a pretty good question, so Louis walked to the door and turned the handle.

  
“No, it’s not. Wait I hear the TV going,”

 

“Just walk out. If you don’t text me within the next hour, I’ll call the police.” Niall said, hanging up.

 

Louis, with his heart pounding, crept out into the hallway, and followed the slight hum of a TV. 

Louis stepped into the room where a warm light flooded his eyes. There was a man sitting in a chair, but was sitting in the opposite direction of Louis.

 

Upon the sight of the curly hair, Louis knew who it was immediately.  _ Am I dreaming? _

He didn’t know whether to go up to him, or to just leave. He seemed to keep having this problem when it came to Harry, but this was by far the weirdest situation he had ever been in. Louis walked softly to where the chair was, when Harry turned around. 

 

“Oh, you’re up…are you feeling okay? Do you need water or anything?”

 

“Oh, I’m good… just a little disoriented…” 

 

Harry nodded, “You were pretty gone when I got you.” 

 

“You got me? Why?” 

 

“Whoever you were with said that you told him to call me,” Harry shrugged.

  
“And you just… came? You barely know me…” Louis retorted.

 

Louis could see a bit of pink flush Harry’s cheeks. “Well I wasn’t just going to leave you there…”

 

“Uh, how bad was I?” Louis asked, scared of the answer. Looking at Harry’s face with his little grin, he knew it wasn’t going to be good.

 

Harry laughed, “Well, I asked where you were from so I could take you home, and you responded with Doncaster.”

“Oh my god. I’m so sorry.” It was now Louis’ turn to turn pink. 

 

“It’s alright… it probably wouldn’t have been a good idea to leave you alone anyways.” 

 

“So what’re you watching?” Louis asked sitting down next to him. 

 

“Uh I don’t know, to be honest. I was just staying up in case you woke up so you wouldn’t… freak out.” 

 

“That’s… really kind of you,” is how Louis responded, however he had to admit that, yeah he was sort of freaking out earlier. And by earlier like five minutes prior.

  
Harry shrugged, “so, do you want to watch something?” He gestured to a large collection of movies, next to an even larger collection of music. 

 

“Um, yeah I guess,” Louis said. Was this really happening? Louis still felt like he was dreaming.

 

“Pulp Fiction okay?” Harry asked popping the disc out of the case.

 

“Sure, never seen it.”

Harry looked up, incredulously. “What?! It’s a classic, we have to watch it now.” 

 

Harry sat back down as the intro music, Misirlou, flooded the room. Harry smiled as the two main characters came into view, and Louis smiled at Harry. 

 

***

 

The credits were rolling across the screen three hours later, as Harry and Louis sat in silence. 

 

“I’m… confused,” was all that Louis could say. 

 

“Yeah, to be completely honest, I don’t really get it either, but I like how it goes out of order. I think it’s unique.”

 

Louis looked at him and was not at all surprised by his answer. He knew that Harry was the type of person who could find beauty in anything.

 

“Oh jeez, I didn’t realize it was so late,” Harry said, abruptly. “I have to be up in 2 hours, I might as well just stay up,” he sighed. 

 

“What do you have to get up for at 5:30?” Louis, asked. 

 

“My friend Nick and I always go for a run at that time.” 

 

“Oh so you’re one of  _ those  _ guys,” Louis teased. 

 

“What do you mean ‘one of  _ those  _ guys’?” 

 

“You’re a health freak, huh?” 

 

“I mean…” 

 

“Oh, you so are Mr. Styles,” Louis laughed. “No wonder you’re in such good shape…” Louis continued, confused as to why he just said that. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, or still being a little drunk, but Louis was never that forward.

 

Luckily for him, Harry didn’t seem bothered, and actually went along with it.

 

“Well what about you? You’re in good shape, are you a health freak too?” 

 

_ No, but I’d be a freak for you _ , is what Louis really wanted to say but instead he opted for, “No I used to play some footy, though.” 

 

Harry nodded, “always loved the game, but was never gifted enough to play seriously. More of a music guy,” he said casually. 

 

“Oh? My best friend is into music too, he’s in this ‘new’ indie band.”

 

“The Howling Ladies?” Harry asked, jokingly. 

 

“Yeah actually,” Louis responded, shocked. No one has ever heard of them before. 

 

“Wait, seriously? I love them. Don’t tell me your friend is Niall…” but from the look on Louis’ face he didn’t need to finish the question.    
  


“No way. That’s so sick,” Harry said. 

 

“I can introduce you two sometime,” Louis said smiling. 

 

“That would be insane, thank you, Louis,” Harry said sincerely. “You know…” Harry said after a few moments of silence, “ you don’t have to stay up…” 

 

“Nah, I want to,” Louis responded. 

 

“You want some coffee, then?” Harry asked while getting up from the couch. 

 

“Sure, milk and sugar please?” 

 

“Of course,” Harry nodded. 

 

Louis sat there confused. Never in his life has he become so comfortable with someone so quickly. Maybe Harry was the thing he’d been waiting for his whole life. 

  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

“So you’ve got a date?” Nick asked the following morning.

 

“Yeah, we’re meeting up tonight.” Louis had asked Harry if he was going to be busy later before he had left around 9.

 

“I bet you’re pretty happy about it?”

 

Harry smiled, “I can’t put into words how I feel when I’m around him…It’s like how I felt with Declan in the beginning.” 

 

“You deserve this Harry, believe me. After everything that you went through with Declan, you deserve this. More than anyone I know.”

 

“I just…” 

 

“You’re scared of getting hurt again?” 

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Oh Harry. I know how… awful things were with Declan. No one can really recover from that, but maybe going out with Louis will help. You’ll never know, unless you go for it. Maybe… maybe he’s what you’ve been waiting for all this time.” 

 

***

 

Louis’ stomach fluttered with butterflies as he waited for Harry. He kept glancing at the clock which had just ticked past 6:35. Louis was starting to get nervous, thinking that Harry had stood him up.

 

He decided he would wait five more minutes, and if Harry didn’t show, he would leave. 

 

Luckily, as Louis’ timer hit the four minute mark, Harry came rushing in.

 

“I am so sorry Louis, I was stuck in traffic, and I didn’t have service otherwise I would have texted you, I-” Harry looked at him, “I’m sure that sounds awful, but you have no idea how excited I was… still am- for this. But for some reason I’m always running late.”

 

Louis had to smile, Harry could never cause ill on anyone. “Relax, Harry. It’s okay. I was just getting us some water.” 

 

Harry sat down quickly, folding the napkin over his lap. “You look wonderful, Louis.” 

 

And Louis knew Harry wasn’t just being polite. When he said something, he meant it.

 

“You clean up quite well yourself,” Louis responded playfully. Harry blushed. 

 

“I’ve never been to this restaurant before,” Louis said.

 

“Maude? I used to come here all the time with…” Harry stopped. Louis looked at him with an eyebrow raised.

 

“My ex-boyfriend,” Harry finally said. 

 

“Oh, so we’re jumping right into it,” Louis chuckled. He laughed, but he was grateful that this was the direction the date was going, especially compared to his date with Kieran.

 

“I mean, we don’t have to, ya know go through our dating history and all that...If you don’t want to.” 

 

“You have something to hide Styles?” Louis asked, mischievously.

 

“Oh, no,” Harry shifted uncomfortably.  

 

“Then tell me about the ex,” Louis said, grinning. 

 

“Oh… there’s not much to tell. We met at uni, and dated for two years. Things… they uh, just didn’t work out between us. We’re on good terms and everything, but yeah.”

 

“When did you guys stop dating?” 

 

“About 9 months ago.” Harry said. He coughed, and turned the conversation to Louis, “So what about you, do you have an exes?”

 

“None,” Louis said.

 

Harry looked at him in disbelief.

 

“None? You can’t be serious Louis, I mean…” 

 

“Nope, no one. No girlfriends, boyfriends… anything.” 

 

“But how Louis? I mean... look at you.” 

 

“It was just never that important to me. I had stuff going on with my family, and I had Niall. I just never felt like I needed anyone else.”

 

“Never got to experience loving someone? That sounds lonely,” Harry said softly. 

 

“Well, I love my family, obviously, and Niall is great…” 

 

“No, I meant you never got to experience someone loving you as much as you love them, and in a not familial way?” Harry asked, looking at him with pity.

 

“I don’t know… I guess I just never felt like I deserved it.” 

 

“Oh Louis…” Harry’s heart broke at the thought of Louis not receiving the love he so deserved. 

 

“Oh Harold, don’t get all sad on me now. It’s supposed to be a happy time. I mean, it is our first official date…”    
  


“Technically second,” Harry responded.

 

“You don’t count the movie do you? Because I don’t…” 

“No, Louis… we’ve met before,” Harry swallowed. 

 

Now it was Louis’ turn to be shocked.

 

“What do you mean?” 

 

“About a month and a half ago… we met…”

 

“...At a bar.” Louis finished, connecting the pieces of the man with the beautiful green eyes.

 

“You aren’t mad, are you?” Harry asked.

 

“Oh, no. I’m just confused as to why you didn’t tell me.” 

 

Harry shrugged, “I just figured it didn’t really matter, especially if you didn’t remember.”

 

“Fair enough, I guess. We probably would’ve ended up in this situation anyways. Also, you must’ve met Niall that night too, then, yeah?”

 

Harry gasped, “you’re so right, I literally just didn’t even put two and two together… How could I not have realized I met the lead singer of my favorite band…”

 

“Have too much to drink?”

 

Harry laughed, “No, my job was to buy  _ you  _ the drinks.” 

 

Louis chuckled, “Yeah well unluckily for you, you’ve had to deal with my drunk ass twice now. And when you meet Niall, you can apologize for that, too.” 

 

Harry laughed, “I should. I felt so bad for leaving you. And I didn’t mind it- you being drunk. You’re really funny.”

 

“Oh, so you’re saying I’m not funny sober? Maybe I should just order us a drink right now, and get this thing going,” Louis said, clearly joking. 

 

“No, no Louis,” Harry’s lips slipped into a smile, “you’re wonderful just the way you are.” 

 

***

 

“Why don’t you come back to my place?” Louis asked after the plates from dinner had been cleared away. 

 

Harry cocked an eyebrow.

 

“Oh relax, Harold. I don’t put out on the first date.”

 

Harry snickered.

 

“Niall’s band is performing on Jimmy Fallon, and since you mentioned you liked them, I just thought you might want to come watch,” he said indignantly.   

 

“I’d love to.”

 

“Alright, well my house isn’t too far from here. Just follow me.” 

 

Harry whistled at the sight of Louis’ house. It was huge, located in the Hidden Hills outside Calabasas. Definitely a step up from his apartment in Downtown LA. 

 

“Louis, your house is amazing.” Harry commented upon entering. 

 

“Thank you, I worked really hard on it. Designed it myself,” he said proudly, “make yourself at home.” He added, gesturing to the couches in the room next to them. 

 

“You want anything to drink?” Louis called from another room.

 

“Just water, would be fine.” 

 

As Louis walked into the room, he nearly gasped. The sun was slowly setting and the room filled with windows casted a shimmering yellow glow, encircling Harry. He looked like an angel... he was just missing the halo. 

 

Harry turned when he heard Louis come into the room, and smiled when he noticed Louis staring at him. Louis, embarrassed that he had been caught staring, quickly averted his attention elsewhere. Grabbing the remote, he went to turn on the TV.

 

“So how long have you and Niall been friends?” Harry asked, as commercials rolled across the screen. 

 

“Niall’s been my best friend since I could remember. I don’t know exactly how we met, but he’s been there for me through everything.” 

 

Harry nodded, “that’s how I feel about my friend, Nick.”

 

“They deserve a break from having to take care of us, eh?” Louis said smiling. 

 

“Yeah,” Harry responded, “they do.”

 

Niall and his band appeared on screen, and started playing after Jimmy had introduced them. 

 

Louis glanced at Harry, and chuckled at the sight of him bobbing his head and mouthing the words. Harry met his glance, his smile broadening, he stood up.

 

Offering up his hand to Louis he said, “Come on, dance with me.” 

 

“Oh no. I don’t dance,” Louis responded. 

 

Harry pouted, “Come on, are you going to make me dance by myself?”

 

“Yes, Harry. That’s exactly what I’m going to do,” he said crossing his arms over his chest. 

 

Harry shrugged and started twirling around the room to the beat of the music. Louis couldn’t contain his laughter as Harry imitated Niall’s guitar playing. The song finishing up, Harry yelled, “Thank you, Los Angeles!” before collapsing to the ground. 

 

“They are just, amazing,” Harry gasped, catching his breath. 

 

“Yeah, Niall is so talented. It’s been incredible to see him and his band get more and more recognition. You mentioned you liked music?” 

 

“Oh yeah, I play some guitar from time to time. But I’m nowhere near as talented as him.” 

 

“Will you ever play for me? I could let you know it that’s true or not.” Louis asked, sweetly.

 

“Maybe someday Mr. Tomlinson,” Harry responded, cheekily. 

 

“But today, is not the day. I can’t believe it’s already 10,” Harry said, looking at his watch. 

 

“Stay!” Louis blurted out. 

 

“Oh?” Harry questioned.

 

“I.. I mean you said it was getting late… and I uh, have a lot of room…” Louis gestured around the house. 

 

“I have a guest bedroom you can stay in… I mean if you won’t be too upset about missing your run tomorrow.” 

 

Harry grinned, “I won’t be upset at all.” 

 

Harry and Louis settled into their respective rooms, but neither could sleep. Harry tossed and turned, his heart refusing to stop fluttering. He was about to get up, before he heard the door to his room open and close softly. 

 

“H.. Harry?” Louis whispered. “Are you awake?”

 

“Yeah, Lou. I’m awake,” Harry said sitting up. 

 

“Is everything okay?” Harry asked, heart pounding. 

 

“Yeah… I, I just couldn’t sleep.” Harry moved over on the bed and patted the spot next time him. 

 

“Sit,” he said. 

 

Louis climbed unto the bed, his own heart mimicking Harry’s. 

 

“You wanna talk?” Harry asked. 

  
“Not really,” Louis said softly, turning to look at Harry who was just inches away from his face. 

 

“Louis…” Harry said quietly, the tensions building. 

 

“Yes, Harry?” he asked, both of them staring intensely into each other’s eyes. 

 

“I don’t put out on the first date either…” 

 

“You don’t have to,” Louis said, closing the space between them. 

 

Harry gasped as Louis placed one hand on his face, and the other on his waist, pulling him in. 

 

The kiss obliterated him. Completely, and utterly wrecked him. It was everything... he was feeling everything. He pulled Louis in closer, his arms wrapped around his waist, as Louis moved to straddle Harry. Their lips never breaking contact. And their hands… hands on face, hands on waist, hands on hands… their hands were  _ everywhere _ . 

 

***

 

“It kind of makes sense that we had met before,” Louis said softly, as they laid in bed together.

 

“What do you mean?” Harry asked, while running his hands through Louis’ hair, his head resting on Harry’s chest. 

 

“I’ve never felt closer to anyone before. I feel like I’ve known you for a lifetime.” 

 

Harry nodded, “I agree completely. I haven’t felt this way about anyone…” 

 

“Not even your ex?” 

 

“No, it was… different with him. Harder…” Harry said.

 

“What do you mean harder?” 

 

“Not important, little one,” Harry responded. 

 

Louis’ head snapped up at that.

 

“Little one?” he scoffed. “Are you serious?” 

 

Harry giggled, “Am I wrong?” 

 

“I’m 5’9, just so you know,” Louis said indignantly.

  
“Oh shush,” Harry said rubbing his back. The rhythm of Harry’s hand, the warmth he exuded and his soft  _ shhh’s _ rocked Louis back to sleep. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING  
> *mentions of death  
> *mentions of abuse towards the end

“Louis? Are you here?” 

 

“Yeah, sorry N.” Louis came out of the bedroom, yawning. 

 

“So?” Niall asked, “how was it?” Before Louis could answer for himself, Harry coughed following behind Louis. 

 

Niall shot a glance at Harry, then one to Louis, then to Harry, then back to Louis and winked. 

  
“Ahh, I see.” Louis’ cheeks flushed red. 

 

“I’m Niall,” introduced Niall, while extending his hand towards Harry. 

 

“Harry, I’m a big fan of your music.”

 

“Oh,” Niall shot back, surprised, “thank you! Most people don’t know who we are. But hopefully our performance last night will change that.”

 

“Oh, it should. It was brilliant. Exactly what we’re missing in music right now,” Harry gushed. 

 

“I like him already,” Niall confessed to Louis whose face continued to grow more red. 

 

Niall turned to Harry again, looking confused, “Wait… have we met before?” 

 

Louis butted in immediately, “Yes, you have. We don’t need to reminisce on my… misfortunes, do we now?” 

 

Niall and Harry laughed. 

 

“Well anyways…” Harry continued, “I have to get going, but Niall, it was so great meeting you...for real this time. And Louis, I’ll see you later, yeah?” to which Louis shot him a thumbs up. 

 

“Okay, so obviously it went well,” Niall said as soon as Harry left. 

 

Louis smiled, “Yeah. It went really well, better than I hoped.” 

 

“Did you guys have sex?”

 

“Niall! No we didn’t.” 

 

“But you’re going to, right?” Niall asked cheekily. “If I wasn’t straight, I’d do him.” 

 

“Niall,” Louis shook his head exasperated, “what am I going to do with you.” 

 

“I’m sorry Louis, you know I tease because I love.” 

 

***

 

“So it went that well, huh?” Nick asked after Harry gushed about his and Louis’ time together. 

 

“Yeah it was amazing, Nick. I feel like I know him so well.” 

 

“And did you tell him about Declan?” Nick asked.

 

“Yes… sort of…” Harry said. 

 

“Sort of?” 

 

“I told him I had an ex who I was together with for two years and we broke up almost a year ago.”

 

“But you didn’t mention that he was your fiance, or you know…” 

 

“No, I couldn’t. I… I don’t know if I will.”

 

“Harry, come on. He has a right to know.”

 

“I know Nick, it’s just… I’m scared he’s going to be freaked out.”

 

“Well from what you’ve told me about Louis, he doesn’t seem like the type to scare easily. You need to tell him… Sooner rather than later.” 

 

Harry sighed, he knew Nick was right, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it… yet. 

 

“I know, you’re right and I will.” 

 

“I know you will, Harry. Look I’ve got to run. I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

 

“See you.” 

 

Harry was sitting down with is coffee and avocado toast when his phone rang. Blocked number. Harry ignored it thinking it was someone trying to sell him something. Upon the third time of it ringing, however, Harry finally picked up.

 

“Hello. No there are no problems with my taxes th-”

 

“Harry?” 

 

Harry’s insides twisted up instinctively at the recognition of the person’s voice. 

 

“Declan…” 

 

“We need to talk.” 

 

“We-”

 

“Meet me at the coffee shop. The one we would always go to, at noon.” 

 

“Declan,” but it was too late. He had already hung up. 

 

Harry didn’t know what to do. He knew if he didn’t show it up it would makes things a lot worse, but how could he face him again after everything that happened? After how much he had hurt him… But for the sake of keeping things civil, Harry decided that it was in his best interest to go, despite the growing pit in his stomach.

 

***

 

“I miss you.” Those three words, even more damaging than those other three words. Worse still, they were coming out of Declan’s mouth.

 

“Declan I really can’t do this right now.” 

 

“Why not, Harry? You haven’t spoken to me in months…” 

 

“I have no reason to! Why would I?”

 

“We were engaged, Harry. That’s why. We were in love.” 

 

“You’re still delusional. I never loved you… like that.” 

 

Harry said this, mostly trying to convince himself that he wasn’t stupid enough to fall in love with someone like Declan. That he had somehow been manipulated, and forced to fake his feelings for him. The reality of it was that Harry  _ had _ loved Declan. Somewhere along the line, though, his feelings of love turned into feelings of survival.

  
So when he said that he never loved him “like that”, it was only partially true. At the end of it all, isn’t love just an act of survival? 

  
“Harry, what are you talking about?”   
  
“You know exactly what I’m talking about Declan. Now if you’ll stop with the bullshit, I need to go.”

 

“Are you seeing anyone else?” Declan asked, before Harry got up.

 

“That’s none of your business. Nothing about what I do is your business anymore… Just stay away from me.” 

 

“Are you still living in the apartment next to that office building?” Declan asked, stopping Harry in his tracks. 

 

“No… I, I uh moved.” But Harry was never good at lying, and Declan saw right through it. Harry didn’t know why it mattered, though, and left as quickly as he arrived. 

 

“Hey Louis,” Harry answered his phone as soon as he was out of the cafe. 

 

“Yes we’re still on tonight, I’m making dinner… No I won’t tell you. It’s a surprise,” he hung up. His heart was still pounding from his encounter with Declan, and he didn’t know what he had just gotten himself into. 

 

***

 

“Harry, this looks delicious,” Louis exclaimed as Harry brought out the food. Louis had to admit that Harry himself looked delicious too, and he wouldn’t mind having him for dessert. 

 

“Chicken stuffed with mozzarella, my mom’s recipe,” Harry responded, smiling. 

 

“Well cheers to this, and for me for finding a man who knows how to cook,” Louis, laughed. Harry smiled, but was still a little uneasy from the events that happened earlier in the day. 

 

“Are you okay? You’re quieter than usually,” Louis asked, picking up on it. Louis had always been pretty good at reading emotions, and would never shy away from confrontation. In a household of women, he learned that the most important things were unsaid. 

 

“Oh, I’m good. Just tired from putting all my effort into this food,” he joked. 

 

Louis laughed, “well I really appreciate the effort.” Harry smiled, appreciation Louis’ appreciation for him. He couldn’t believe the world gave him another chance for Louis to be apart of his life. 

 

“Anyways, I never asked…” Harry started, “Why were you at the AA meeting? I mean I know you’re not an alcoholic, you don’t need a drink to survive…” 

 

“No, I don’t. But as you have witnessed twice, when I do drink, I tend to drink a little too much. I mostly did it for Niall, though. Ya know, didn’t want him to have to take care of me.” 

 

“I respect that,” Harry responded. 

 

“Yeah… I used to never drink. Or if I did, I would only have one or two, but things got kind of bad, and it was my way of handling it.” 

 

“Oh, do you want to talk about it?” Harry pried. 

 

“My mom...” Louis started, slowly and unsure, “she passed away earlier in the year.”

 

“Oh my god Louis,” Harry exclaimed, “I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine what that must’ve felt like…” 

 

“Yeah,” Louis said softly, “and then my sister passed away. So.. things haven’t been going the best.” 

 

Harry sat there in a stunned silence. 

  
“I… I don’t even know what to say Louis. I am so sorry.” And Louis knew that it was coming from the deepest part of his heart. Harry was just like that. He felt everything, he empathized, and then he felt everything you were feeling. 

 

“It’s life, right? It’s not fair, or equal, and we just have to accept that,” Louis supposed. 

 

Harry nodded sadly, agreeing.

 

“Oh wow. I really do kill the vibe don’t I?” 

 

That got Harry to laugh, “not at all, Louis. I like hearing about you, and your life.” It was a nice change for Harry- to be with someone who openly shared what they were feeling and wasn’t afraid to. 

 

“Well what about you, Mr. Styles?”

 

“I’m an only child. As a kid it was just my mom and I… and my birth dad,” Harry made a sour face. 

 

“You two didn’t get along?” Louis asked, showing again, his skills in picking up on the unsaid.

 

“Uh. No not really… he used to beat my mother…” Harry said quietly. “But now she’s remarried, and he’s really great. It’s what she deserves.”

 

“I-” Louis didn’t know where to start.

 

“It was always really hard, as a child. Watching these things happen to my mom, someone I love with my whole heart, hurting from someone she loved... It’s just exactly like what you said, though. The world isn’t fair.” 

 

It certainly was a sight. To see these two beautiful boys, broken from things that happened in the world around them, slowly become pieced back together just by being in the the mere presence of the other. 

 

***

 

Louis and Harry had found themselves entangled in each other hours later. As they were making out, Louis went to pull off Harry’s shirt, who immediately froze up.

 

“Lou…” 

 

“Yeah, H?” he asked while still trying to get his shirt off.

 

“Louis, stop.” Harry gasped. 

 

“Harry?” Louis stopped immediately, looking at him, concerned.

 

“Are you okay?” 

 

“I…” Harry took a deep breath. 

 

“I just can’t do that right now,” Harry said, shaking. 

 

“Oh, Harry it’s okay. I’d never… force you to do something. You know that.”

 

“I’m sorry, Lou. I’m so… sorry,” he said, his voice cracking as he tried to contain his tears. 

 

“Shh, Harry,” Louis said, wrapping him up in his arms. “It’s okay… It’s okay…” he repeated over and over, as Harry cried into his shoulder. 

 

“It’s okay, love. I’m right here…” 

 

The two eventually drifted off to sleep, but Louis was awakened after what only seemed like a couple of hours. Harry was up and getting dressed, for what Louis rationalized was a run. 

 

“Oh, I didn’t mean to wake you,” Harry said quickly before pulling his shirt over his head. Not so quickly that Louis missed the massive scar on his chest. Harry went over and kissed him on the head, “go back to bed. I’ll be back in an hour or two.” 

 

***

 

“It was awful Nick,” Harry said during their run. “I just… froze up. It was so embarrassing.” 

 

“Harry, you shouldn’t be embarrassed about it. You haven’t been in a situation like that since Declan, and I’m sure it was triggering. Have you had that conversation yet?”

 

Harry sighed, “no. It just never seems like that right time.”

 

“It will  _ never _ be the right time to talk about something like that, Harry. There’s never a good way to bring it up, and yeah, it’s going to be uncomfortable. But right now, you’re tiptoeing around it, and that won’t do you any good.” 

 

***

 

Louis heard the side door open, which was unusual since Harry usually entered through the main door. 

 

“Harry?” he called out, no answer.

 

Louis could hear someone breathing, and the steps of their feet. Maybe Harry hadn’t heard him. 

 

“Harry?” he called again, a little bit louder than the first. Still no response. The steps got closer and Louis could see the silhouette of a person, nearing. 

 

“Hello?” Louis asked, one more time. A figure emerged from the shadow, revealing a pretty handsome young man, who was in the best shape of anyone Louis had ever seen. 

 

“Who are you?” the person asked. 

 

“Who are  _ you _ ?” Louis echoed. “Actually how did you get in here?” 

 

“Harry always hides his key in the bush, and I guess he never switched it from when we broke up…” The man responded.

 

Louis finally put the pieces together.

 

“Oh you’re his ex…”

 

“...Declan,” the young man finished for him. 

  
  
  



	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING
> 
> *mentions of abuse

“Louis?” Harry called into the house. “You still here?” 

 

“No, actually, he just left,” Declan said coming out from around the corner. Harry stiffened immediately. 

 

“So you didn’t move, and you  _ are _ seeing someone else. I’m glad I was able to answer my own questions,” Declan said, smugly. 

 

“Where’s Louis… what did you do?” 

 

“I didn’t do anything. He seems like a nice kid. Confused that you didn’t tell him that we were engaged, though.” 

 

“You didn’t,” Harry cautioned.

 

“Well, you clearly didn’t, so I thought I’d make things easy for you.” 

 

“Declan you have no right,” Harry seethed, “No right to show up here, and no right to mess with my personal life.

 

“I want you back, Harry. And that Louis kid, isn’t going to stand in my way.”

 

***

  
  


Louis was confused. Very confused and still trying to wrap his head around what happened. 

 

“Ex-fiance,” Declan had corrected him. “But.. Harry did tell you that, right?” he asked, smirking. 

 

No, Harry hadn’t, and Louis couldn’t understand why he hadn’t. Louis realized there was a lot of things he didn’t know about Harry.  Harry did lie about meeting him before, so what else was he lying about? 

 

“Harry, it’s me. I think we need to talk. Call me when you get the chance,” Louis left a voice message, hoping he and Harry could talk about it. 

 

“I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about,” Niall said, trying to reassure Louis.

 

“But why would he lie about it?”

 

“Maybe it wasn’t a big deal. Maybe it was something that happened just because they were young and they thought they were in love.”

 

“But it’s only been a couple months since they broke things off.”

 

“Closer to a year,” Niall corrected, “don’t make things worse than they are. I’m sure Harry has a perfectly reasonable explanation. And besides, I’ve never seen you happier than you have been these past couple of weeks.” 

 

“Don’t self sabotage yourself before it’s even begun,” Niall continued. 

 

Louis promised he would try to relax, but nothing could stop all the thoughts that were swimming around in his head. 

 

***

 

“You got any beers around here?” Declan asked, still there two hours later, wandering around Harry’s kitchen.

 

Harry was pacing. Debating on whether or not he should call the cops. He knew there was nothing he’d be able to do to get Declan to leave, and calling the cops was perhaps a little extreme. There was, technically, no breaking and entering involved. 

 

“No, I don’t drink anymore.” 

 

“Oh? Since when?” 

 

“Since I saw how much damage it could do to a person,” Harry snapped. 

 

Declan’s face softened slightly. 

 

“Harry, I’ve changed.” 

 

“Yeah, well I just don’t believe that,” Harry said. “I don’t believe anything you say anymore.” 

 

“So you don’t believe me when I tell you that I miss you?” Declan asked. 

 

“No.” 

 

“Why not? It’s true.”

 

“It doesn’t matter. I don’t miss you, so.”

 

“You don’t love me anymore? You don’t have any feelings for me?” 

 

“No, Declan.” 

 

“Do you love  _ him _ ?” he asked, meaning Louis. 

 

Despite Harry just meeting Louis, it felt like they’d been together for an eternity. But was time an accurate measure of love? Harry thought about it and decided that it didn’t matter if it was a month, a year, ten years- that a person could fall in love with anyone during any period of time. 

 

But the question was if he loved Louis… 

 

“I-I don’t know. But I  _ do  _ know that I don’t have any feelings for you anymore.” 

 

Declan slammed his fists against the counter. 

 

“Goddammit Harry, I’m just trying to make things right between us.”

 

Harry jumped back, startled. “There’s nothing you can do that will fix what happened in the past. You need to leave… right now.”

 

“Oh, no, Harry,” Declan turned to him. “You don’t tell me what to do.” 

 

“Declan, please,” Harry’s voice shook, “leave, now.” 

 

Declan turned around so quickly, Harry didn’t have time to react. He grabbed Harry by the shirt and pushed him against the counter, immediately sending Harry back to a year and a half ago. 

 

It was the day after New Years. Harry had celebrated the night before with his mom and stepdad while Declan had gone out with some friends from work. Declan had stumbled home, still intoxicated. Harry heard him moving things around in the kitchen and walked out to see what the noise was about.

 

“Is everything alright?” Harry asked, wiping the sleep from his eyes, only to see Declan scattering anything that he could around, throwing things onto the floor. 

 

“Where is it?” Declan mumbled over and over again.

 

“Where is what, love?” Harry asked, softly, although hesitant to approach.

 

“My ring! My father’s ring!” Declan roared crashing around the house. 

 

“Hey, it’s fine. I’m sure we’ll find it.” 

 

“Harry you know how important that ring is to me,” Declan said, moving onto the next room. 

 

“I know! I know… it’s got to be here somewhere…” Harry said, starting to help Declan search for it. 

 

“Just calm down and maybe we’ll find it more easily.” Everyone knew that that was the worst thing to say to someone who was definitely not going to calm down.

 

“What?!” Declan yelled, “What did you just say?” 

 

“I-” but before Harry could finish, Declan had pushed him into the bedside table, the lip of the table cutting directly into Harry’s stomach. Harry stayed on the ground, stunned. He knew Declan had the tendency to get angry, but he had never been violent. 

 

Immediately, Declan sobered up with regret filling his eyes. “Harry… I’m so sorry. I… I shouldn’t be doing this right now. I need to sleep,” and with that, he left the room to go to his bed. Harry and Declan didn’t speak of it again. But naively, Harry thought that that was the first and last time it would happen.

 

Harry remembered it all so clearly, and now he was living it again. 

 

As Declan pushed him now, Harry’s back crashed against the counter, a bruise inevitably forming on impact.  _  I’ve changed _ is what Declan had said only minutes before. Harry knew that he couldn’t believe a word that came out of Declan’s mouth, but that just solidified it. 

 

“You don’t ever tell me what to do,” Declan sneered. It was incredible to see- to see this change in someone so rapidly. Starting with his apologetic facade, and then morphing into this… this monster. Harry had tried to repress his memories of Declan doing exactly that throughout their entire relationship, but no one would be able to forget it. 

 

Harry said a short pray in his head, hoping at the end of this he wouldn’t end up in the hospital or with any broken bones. Maybe God had been listening for once...

 

“Aye, mate. You better let go of him, or I’ll call the police,” Louis said from behind them.

 

Declan’s head popped up, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” 

 

“Let him go,” Louis repeated. 

 

Declan looked between the two of them, seething. Apparently, he decided he wasn’t going to win this, so he let go of Harry saying, “this isn’t over,” before storming out.

 

“So that’s your ex who you’re on ‘good terms’ with?” Louis mocked, watching Declan leave. But upon seeing Harry still on the ground with tears threatening to spill he immediately rushed over to him.

 

“Oh Harry… are you okay?” 

 

Harry sat on the ground trembling, and then the tears came. 

 

“I’m so sorry Lou… I’m so sorry.” 

 

“Harry,” Louis’ voice cracked, “you have nothing to apologize for.” 

 

“I’m so sorry,” Harry said again, “ I didn’t want you to get mixed up in this...I-”

 

“Shhh, Harry it’s okay.” Louis slid to the ground next to Harry, wrapping his arms around him as if he’d be able to shield him from the horrors of reality. 

 

“It’s okay…” 

 

The boys sat like that for what seemed like hours, until Harry’s breathing had steadied, and his tears had dried. 

 

“Lou… can I show you something?” Harry asked, quietly.

 

“Of course, Harry.”

 

Harry stood up, sighed, and started to pull off his shirt.

  
“Woah there,” Louis commented, but stopped as his eyes roamed across Harry’s body.

 

It wasn’t just that scar on his chest, but many different scars, bruises, and cuts that covered his torso, chest, stomach and back. Some red, some pink, some purple, some barely showing. 

 

Louis let out a hard swallow. He didn’t want to imagine the pain Harry had suffered through, each one worse than the other.  

 

“May I?” he asked, reaching out his hand to touch Harry. Harry nodded his consent, but shivered when Louis’ hand made contact with his chest.

 

Louis carefully traced over the markings on Harry’s body, trying not to cry. The thought of anyone harming Harry in any way crushed him. 

 

Louis worked his way around Harry’s body, to his back where, just at the bottom of his neck, was a small pink mark.

 

Louis slowly opened his mouth, and laid a soft, delicate kiss directly on the spot. Harry’s body tingled in response, as he turned and met Louis’ lips with his own. 

 

The kiss was hungry… desperate, as if he was hoping Louis could magically heal him and the bruises would disappear. But those scars… the ones that were permanently etched into Harry would not disappear.   

 

“Harry,” Louis murmured, “I-” 

 

“Shh,” Harry responded, as his lips traveled from Louis’ lips to the nape of his neck, and back up again. 

 

“Harry, I just don’t think it’s the right time for this…” Louis said. 

 

“What do you mean?” Harry asked, stopping abruptly. 

 

“I just think that everything that happened today, your emotions are running high and-” he stopped once he saw Harry’s face. 

 

“Oh no, no. It’s not like that… I- trust me Harry, I want to have sex with you, but it’s not going to fix you, and I don’t want to pressure you into it… I don’t want it to be rushed. I- I promise you that when the time is right, I’m going to make it the best sex you’ve ever had. But right now-- it’s not like I can just fuck those feelings- what just happened-  away…” 

 

“I… I understand. You will stay, though, won’t you?” 

 

“Of course, love. I’m not going anywhere.” 

 

***

 

“So that’s why you don’t drink?” Louis asked later in bed.

 

“Yeah, I’ve seen what it does to people, how scary things can get… with my father, and Declan. I just- don’t ever want to get like that. I don’t ever want to be anything like my father.” 

 

Louis nodded, and kissed Harry’s jaw, “I don’t think you have it in you to hurt anyone.” 

  
  
  



	8. Chapter 8

Things were good. Almost too good to be true, and yet it didn’t seem like anything could ruin Harry and Louis. 

 

Harry had moved in with Louis, since his place wasn’t safe anymore and he would have rather forgotten all the things that happened there anyways. Louis had the room, and he definitely didn’t mind waking up to Harry every morning.

 

Arguably, the most annoying thing about Harry was that he was  _ really _ healthy.

 

“Fucking avocados?” Louis asked as he came into the kitchen one morning. 

 

“Yeah, what’s wrong with ‘em?” Harry asked, looking insulted.

 

“They’re only the most basic food in LA right now. Jesus, Harry,”

 

“They’re good for you though.” 

 

“They taste like shit.” 

 

Harry sighed, “Lou, have you ever even tried one. I make a mean avocado and toast.”

 

“I’m good, Harold. I’ll just have my cinnamon toast crunch over here.” 

 

“Like a child,” Harry said, raising an eyebrow, judging Louis’ reaction. 

 

“A child? I- Oh, Harry you’re going to get it later.” 

 

“What’re you going to do, spank me?” Harry winked. 

 

“Don’t tempt me,” Louis responded with a grin. 

 

In a more serious tone, Louis said, “We should talk.” 

 

“About?” Harry asked sitting down across from him.

 

“What’re we going to do about Declan?”

 

Harry sighed, “nothing.”

 

“Nothing? You can’t be serious, Harry. He broke into your house…” 

 

“Technically, he didn’t. That was my fault. I should’ve moved the key. I didn’t think he would….” 

 

“You shouldn’t have even had to think about it, Harry. I’m serious. We need to talk to someone.” 

 

“Who? The police? They’re not going to do shit and you know it.” 

 

“Why wouldn’t they?” 

 

“Louis. You know how many girls have been in this same situation and brought it to the attention of the police for them to just do nothing? Almost all of them. And could you imagine a male-to-male domestic violence situation? They really wouldn’t care. We’re men. We’re supposed to be tough. We’re supposed to be able to handle this shit. It’s not fair- for females, for people in the LGBTQ+ community, for anyone. It’s just not fair, and that’s the reality of the world right now.” 

 

“Well when is the world going to become fair? I’m tired of this shit.” Louis responded, angrily. 

 

“I am too, Louis! But right now, we just leave the Declan situation be, and go on about our lives.” 

 

“So you just want me to do nothing? You just want me to wait until something more serious happens to you? Bullshit, Harry!” 

 

“Louis, please,” Harry pleaded, “just let it rest.” 

 

“Fine. But I swear to God, if I ever see him again, I will fuck him up.” 

 

Louis mumbled something about how it didn’t matter than he was 5 inches taller than him, he would still mess him up, and went back to eating his cereal. 

 

Harry felt himself fill with guilt as he didn’t tell Louis that he had been in contact with Declan. He knew Louis wouldn’t want him to be in contact with him, much less be the one who initiated it, but he needed to sort this out for himself, by himself. 

 

Harry was that type of person, though. If he saw someone in need he would do anything he could to help them. And Declan was certainly a person in need. The history between them didn’t help either, because Harry knew Declan could be kind. In fact, Louis was scarily similar to how Declan was in the beginning.

 

Harry shook the thought from his brain, convincing himself that Louis was nothing like Declan. 

 

***

“Thanks for meeting me Harry.”

 

“Well, Declan, I didn’t really have a choice.” 

 

“You need to break up with Louis,” Declan interjected not missing a moment. 

 

“Absolutely not,” Harry responded.

 

“Here’s the part where you don’t have a choice. Break up with him, or else.”

 

“Or else what? When I break up with him, what happens then? You expect us to get back together? Because I can assure you, that I will never not be disgusted by you.”

 

“Oh Harry, people work through this kind of stuff all the time.”

 

“Declan, are you even hearing yourself? You’re literally delusional. Coming here… coming here was a mistake.” 

 

Harry noticed Declan balling his hands into fists, but released them moments later. 

 

“I’m leaving.” 

 

But as Harry left, he couldn’t help but feel like he had made everything worse. He knew Declan. He knew how dedicated he could be once he put his mind to something, hell that was one of the reasons Harry was so attracted to him in the first place. But this… this was an obsession, and Harry knew Declan wouldn’t stop until he got what he wanted.

 

***

 

“Aye love, you’re home early,” Louis called from their bedroom. 

 

“Yeah, didn’t really feel like running today,” Harry responded. 

 

“That’s how I feel everyday” Louis chuckled. “Come in here, I need your opinion on something.” 

 

Harry walked in and his jaw immediately dropped to the floor. 

 

“Lou, what’re you getting all dressed up for?”

 

“Niall and his band just got asked to go on tour with Hozier, and we’re celebrating this weekend.” 

 

“No kidding, that’s amazing. Tell him congratulations.” 

 

“Of course. You know, he extended the invitation to you too…” 

 

Harry remembered that he had plans to meet up with Declan, but he obviously couldn’t tell Louis that so he lied and said, “I have plans with Nick already, but you’ll have to tell Niall congrats and extend my apologies.” 

 

Looks modded, “of course, I’m sure he’ll understand. Now I need help. Which tie?” 

 

Louis held up a light blue tie, and a deep red one against his suit. 

 

“Blue,” Harry said immediately, “brings out your eyes.” 

 

Louis smiled, “blue it is.” 

 

Harry sat there admiring the view as Louis undressed. He caught Harry staring at him in the mirror, and smirked. Louis turned to him and started to unbutton his shirt, slowly and dramatically. 

 

“Oh, you are a little tease, aren’t you,” Harry said, getting hot, while Louis continued his strip tease. 

 

“Getting a little excited there, are we Harold?” Louis snickered while gesturing towards Harry’s crotch.

 

Harry sighed, exasperated, lunged at Louis grabbing him by the waist and pulling him on top of him.    
  


“Enough of that, Lou,” he said, working on the rest of Louis’ buttons.

Louis’ breathing increased as he helped Harry peel off his own shirt. 

 

“Are you sure?” Louis breathed. 

 

“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”

 

And that was all Louis needed. 

 

Harry’s breath hitched as Louis’ hands grasped the bottom of his T-shirt, to which Louis raised an eyebrow as if asking  _ is this okay?  _ He nodded his head, and calmed his breathing. 

 

Louis gently pulled the shirt over Harry’s head, stopping to run his hands over his torso, delicately as to not hurt him. Harry went for Louis’ pants, unclasping the top button and pulling the zipper down. Louis finished the job until he was wearing nothing but his boxers. 

 

Harry froze, not from fear, but because of the person in front of him.

 

“Louis… you are…” but Louis cut him off. 

 

“Shh Harry.”

 

Louis pulled Harry’s pants off, until they matched in the number of cloths they had on. Harry pulled Louis back onto the bed, as Louis pulled off Harry’s last item of clothing. Harry’s breathing became shallow as Louis went to grab his dick. 

 

“Let me make you feel good,” Louis murmured as he started to stroke Harry’s length. Harry just about nutted as soon as Louis made contact. 

 

“Oh my god, Louis,” Harry moaned. 

 

Louis’ mouth was currently too occupied to respond. Louis continued to work his magic until Harry let out one final moan, finally reaching climax. 

 

Harry laid there for a little bit trying to get rid of the stars that were dancing across his vision, and allowed for his body to calm down. 

 

Louis kissed Harry’s chest and worked his way up to his neck, and then to his lips, kissing him tenderly. He straddled Harry as Harry moved his hands to Louis’ ass. He lifted Louis up, and laid him down next to him, as Harry switched positions. 

 

“Now it’s my turn to make  _ you _ feel good.” 

 

Harry pulled off Louis’ boxers, his dick immediately springing out.. Louis may be small, but there was one thing about him that certainly wasn’t. 

 

“Jesus, Louis,” Harry muttered.

 

“Think you can take it?” Louis smirked.

Cocky bastard. 

 

Harry knew there was only one way to shut him up. He rolled over to grab lube from the bedside table. He covered Louis’ dick with it before situation himself over it. Louis propped himself against the headboard of the bed while Harry lowered himself onto Louis’ dick. 

“Fuck,” Louis moaned as Harry situated himself. Louis placed his hands on Harry’s hips as he started to bounce up and down. 

 

“You feel… so good,” Louis struggled to get the words out. “I’m going to…” 

 

Louis let out a giant moan as he finished in Harry. Harry slid up off Louis’ dick, almost reaching his own climax. 

 

“Let me help you out there,” Louis said, once again taking Harry’s dick in his mouth. Harry grabbed onto Louis’ hair as his head bobbed up and down, Harry’s back arching when he was given his own release. 

 

“Next time,” Louis whispered into Harry’s ear, “I’m going to fuck you into oblivion.”

  
  


***

 

“Do you believe in fate?” Louis asked hours later while they were still in bed. 

 

“I don’t know…do you?” 

 

“I mean...maybe. Like I feel like this...us… this was fate.”

 

“Do you think the world finally stopped for us, and we can be happy?”

 

“I hope so H, I really do.” 

 

“We deserve it… to be happy.” 

 

“Yeah we do, don’t we?” Louis said looking up at him, running his hand through Harry’s hair. “It’s funny you know, I just never felt like I deserved it. I didn’t think I deserved to be happy after everything that has happened. I felt like a failure, but you… you make me feel like I deserve it.” 

 

“Because you do Lou, you deserve everything.” 

 

Harry turned to Louis, eyeing how his skin glowed in the dimming sunlight. Harry would sit and admire Louis for hours if he got the chance. It was just… ridiculous to him that somebody could look like that. So flawless. Tough, yet soft. Passionate and intimate. Strong but vulnerable. He was like a walking contradiction. None of it made sense… and the thing that made the least amount of sense was the fact that this man liked him. 

 

In contrast, Harry was the moon, but Louis was the sun, and Harry couldn’t shine without him. It’s amazing, the effect a person could have on you; the dependence that one will pick up. Harry couldn’t imagine his life without Louis; he didn’t know how he had survived without him before.

 

He continued to appreciate Louis as he fell asleep, his breathing falling in slow, rhythmic hums. 

 

“I love you,” Harry whispered.

  
Harry’s  _ I love you _ was picked up by the air and twirled around, showering the two of them, before settling around the sleeping angel next to Harry who had no idea the depths of his heart and love. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uwu im soft   
> also sorry for being terrible at writing smut


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING
> 
> *some mentions of abuse, nothing explicit !

“Niall!” 

 

“Louis, so glad you could make it.”

 

“You know I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Louis responded, giving him a big hug. 

 

“I can’t believe my best friend is about to go on tour. I am so proud of you.” 

 

Niall smiled, “thank you, Louis. I’m so glad you were there for all my existential crises and changing of sound, and band name, and… basically everything.” 

 

“Of course, Niall. I’d support you through anything. Harry sends his congratulations as well,” Louis added. 

 

“Where is he, by the way?” Niall asked. 

 

“Oh he had plans with his friend, Nick.” 

 

“Nick?” Niall asked.“Not Nick Grimshaw… right?” Niall knew there was no way that it was the same Nick, because that would have been too coincidental...

 

“Uh, actually, yeah I think that’s the Nick.” 

 

Niall grimaced.

  
“What? What is it?” 

 

“Nick is here, or he at least RSVP’d that he was coming. He runs 102.7 and played our song for the first time on the radio. He’s been a fan and supporter ever since.”

 

“So he’s here...are you positive?” 

 

“I’m not sure if he’s here yet, but I did invite him.” Niall looked around before his eyes settled on someone coming in, conveniently it was Nick. 

 

“Well, now’s your chance to find out. He just walked in.” 

 

“Niall, my biggest congratulations to you and the rest of the band.”

 

“Thanks so much, Nick. We really wouldn’t have gotten to where we are now if it wasn’t for your support.” 

 

“Nonsense. I have no doubt you would have been in this situation whether I was involved or not.”    
  


Louis was standing awkwardly next to Niall, praying to God it wasn’t Harry’s Nick. 

 

“Oh, sorry. Nick, this is my friend Louis. Louis, Nick.” 

 

Nick turned to Louis and immediately his eyes widened. And that slight recognition made Louis want to crawl into a hole. 

 

“You’re not… are you… do you know Harry Styles?” He finally got the words out. 

 

“Yeah, I’m his... boyfriend,” Louis said, smiling although this one didn’t quite reach his eyes. And the boyfriend part? Well they never really discussed it, but he assumed it was mutual. 

 

Nick, on the other hand, broke into a huge grin, “It’s so nice to finally meet the man who has swept my best mate off his feet. Honestly can’t believe it took us this long to be introduced to each other, but better late than never. And the fact that you’re friends with Niall…” Nick continued, “what a small world.” 

 

Louis nodded in agreement, but was thinking about how Harry had lied to him, and wondered what he was actually up to. Louis was fairly certain Harry wouldn’t appreciate how small the world was. 

 

“Uh, well there’s food and an open bar in the other room,” Niall gestured behind him. 

 

“Help yourself, I’ll be in in a minute.” 

 

Nick nodded his thanks, and patted Niall on the shoulder. Before leaving he turned to Louis one last time, “Again, so nice to meet you. I’m sure we’ll be seeing each other more often in the future.” 

 

Louis smiled, and gave him a small wave, but let out a giant sigh as soon as he was out of earshot. 

 

“I know what you’re thinking…” Niall started. 

 

“Yeah, that Harry’s a liar,” Louis huffed. 

 

Niall rolled his eyes, “Louis let’s not jump to conclusions.”

 

“Niall I’m just worried…” 

 

Louis went back to the conversation he had with Harry earlier, wondering if his refusal to do anything about Declan was related to his absence now. Louis didn’t think Harry was dumb enough to contact Declan on his own so Declan must have contacted him. 

 

“Louis,” Niall said, snapping him back to reality. 

 

“If you want to know the truth, just ask him, I’m sure he’d tell you.” 

 

“Niall, I shouldn’t even be asking him to tell the truth in the first place. He should just do that automatically.” 

 

Niall shook his head, “Remember when you were worried about Declan in the beginning, and then you realized what actually  happened between them, and why Harry didn’t divulge you with the details?” 

 

Well of course Louis had understood why Harry didn’t want to share that, but now that he had, it seemed like they had gotten through the worst of it.  

 

“My advice is to just confront him. You need to try to not judge so harshly,” Niall scolded. 

 

“You’re right.”

 

“As always,” Niall, smiled, “Come on, let’s go get a drink.”

 

“Are you sure?” Louis asked, skeptically. 

 

“Yes. This is a party for God’s sake. I trust you and your man isn’t here tonight, so I shouldn’t have to worry about you getting too intoxicated, right?” 

 

An hour later Niall, Nick and Louis had found themselves dancing on tables and singing loudly to Queen that was blaring in the background. 

 

“Can anyone find meeeeee… Somebody to LOVEEE,” they screamed in unison. 

“Hey Louis, get in this pic. I’m going to send it to Harry to show him what he’s missing out on,” Nick said pulling Louis in. 

 

Louis threw his middle finger up, in a classic Tommo pose. 

 

“Where is Harry?” Louis asked.

 

“Not sure,” Nick said, shrugging, “told me he had plans tonight. Figured they were with you.” 

Nick didn’t seem too bothered about Harry lying, but Louis still was and the alcohol didn’t shake the irritation away. He knew he was going to have to confront Harry, but he figured a few more drinks wouldn’t hurt before he did. 

 

***

 

Harry’s phone buzzed, but he was too preoccupied to check it right away. 

 

“Just hear me out, Harry,” Declan started. 

“We were good together, H.” 

 

Harry rolled his eyes, wishing that he would just shut the fuck up. Declan was one of those people who came to the sound of their own voice. It had always been like that, except at one point, Harry would’ve loved to hear him talk. 

 

“Were we though?” Harry asked, wishing to dodge all questions and discredit anything that Declan said. Was there a point to the conversation? No, not really. Were they getting anywhere or making any progress? Also no, but Harry really only met with him to keep him satisfied. 

 

Unfortunately, even by doing this, Harry was playing right back into Declan’s manipulation and his unnecessary need to keep him satisfied would prove to be detrimental. 

 

“Yes Harry we were. If things hadn’t gotten so fucked up…” Declan trailed off.

“If  _ I _ hadn’t gotten so fucked up, maybe things would be different,” he said more quietly. 

 

Harry believed him,  _ almost _ . And he almost wanted to give him a hug.  _ Almost _ . 

 

Harry could try to convince himself that his relationship with Declan meant nothing, but it wasn’t that easy. That’s how it went, right? That’s how these things always went. The “why didn’t you leave earlier” type of situations.

 

When the truth finally came out about Harry and Declan, the only question Harry got was, “Why didn’t you just break up with him earlier. Why wait until the engagement?” 

 

These people didn’t understand, couldn’t understand, being in a position of fighting for someone you loved, and fighting for yourself- for what you deserved. 

 

To love and to be in love. 

 

Harry wished he could shout it from the rooftops. Loving someone just doesn’t go away, and getting love in return, even the illusion of it, was something that anyone would want to hold onto. So as hard as Harry tried to ignore it, he couldn’t escape from the fact that he did love Declan... at one point.

 

“Declan, I can’t forgot what happened in the past, and I’m not going to forgive you for everything that went down between us.” 

 

“I understand, but what about the future?”   
  
“There cannot be a future between us- and you’re crazy to think that there would be…” 

Harry looked at him in disgust, like did Declan not remember what happened a week ago? 

 

“I don’t know if you remember or not, or if your brain is too deluded to realize it, but just last week you slammed me into a counter.” 

 

“Please Harry,” Declan pleaded. “Can’t we just give it one more shot?” 

 

“Are you not hearing me at all?” Harry asked, frustrated.

“There will never be an ‘us’ or a ‘we’ again.” 

 

“But I love you.” 

 

Harry froze. He always did with those three words. It’s been awhile since he heard them. Louis hadn’t said them to him yet, and he’d been longing to hear them since they’d gotten together. 

  
  


Like he said, to love and to be in love.

 

***

 

Harry sighed as he pulled into the driveway. It was almost 2 am, and Louis’ house was dark. Harry figured he was home and in bed, but when he walked into the room the space that Louis normally occupied was empty. 

 

Harry, confused, checked his phone to see if Louis had left any messages. He had 18 unread messages- 4 from Nick, and the other 14 from Louis. 

 

“Shit,” Harry mumbled. 

He opened Nick’s first, only to see the picture of him and Louis, captioned with “wish you were here.”

 

“Oh…no,” Harry realized that his lie had completely backfired on him, and from Louis’ pose he knew the conversation they were going to have wasn’t going to be good. Maybe he’d just pretend to be asleep before Louis got back. Harry always had good intentions, but the execution of these intentions could leave little to be desired. 

Harry slipped into his pajamas and pulled the covers over him when he heard the front door open. 

“Harry?” He heard Louis call, “are you here?” Louis was slurring his words a bit, meaning he was probably feeling no pain right now. 

 

Harry sunk further into the bed as he tried to steady his pounding heart. The situation threw him into PTSD mode, as he remembered all the times Declan had come home drunk, angry and almost always looking to start a fight. Harry had to keep repeating over and over again that Louis was nothing like Declan. 

 

That didn’t stop him from holding his breath when Louis came into the room, though. It was the same way he’d hold his breath while waiting for Declan to make the first move. 

 

Louis drew back the cover a little bit, sighing. He ran his hands through Harry’s hair and bent his head down, sending a kiss through his curls. 

 

“I missed you tonight,” he said softly, kissing him again before climbing into bed next to Harry, wrapping his arms around him, and drifting off to sleep within seconds. Harry finally let out the breath he had been holding, thanking God and Louis for allowing him to breathe again. 

 

***

  
  


“Good morning sunshine,” Harry said, when Louis finally awoke 12 hours later. 

 

“What time is it?” Louis mumbled. 

 

“Almost three…” 

 

“Wait what?” Louis awoke immediately and flung off the covers, sitting straight up. His hair was sticking up all over the place, still wearing his shirt from the night before. 

 

“You got home really late last night, I figured I’d just let you sleep.” Also, Harry selfishly wanted Louis to keep sleeping so he could avoid  _ the _ conversation. 

 

“Harold! I’ve just wasted my entire day…” 

 

“Were you going to do anything anyways?” Harry asked.

 

Louis shot him a glare, “Well… no probably not… But how am I supposed to sleep tonight?” 

 

Harry sighed, “I don’t know Louis. I was trying to do something nice. I figured either way you would be mad if I woke you up, or you’d be mad that I didn’t wake you,” he said pointedly. 

 

Louis started to say something, then shook his head, “you know what I’m actually mad about?” 

 

Harry looked at him, wincing. 

 

“That you lied about what you were doing last night.” 

 

“Lou I-” 

 

“No Harry, let me talk. I’m actually like really pissed. The only thing I could think of that you’d lie about was that you were with Declan, which I know,” he stopped, and glared again, “you’re not actually stupid enough to do.” 

 

“Louis,” 

 

“Harry please just tell me I’m being stupid and that you didn’t see him?” 

 

“I-”

 

“Harry.” 

 

“I can’t.” 

 

“I don’t… I don’t understand. He abused you for MONTHS and now you’re just willingly playing into his hands?”

 

“Louis, I knew you wouldn’t understand that’s why I never mentioned it. There’s no way you could understand, you’ve never even been in a real relationship.” 

 

“Are you fucking kidding me? Do you consider that- what you had with Declan a real relationship? That’s absolute bullshit Harry,” Louis spat out.

 

“I loved him, Louis,” Harry said desperately. “You don’t understand the things you’d do for someone you loved.” 

 

“Harry, it’s just so hard for me to believe that someone like you would put up with him- with that.” 

 

“You think I had a choice, Louis?” 

 

“Of course you had a choice!” Louis couldn’t believe what Harry was saying. It seemed quite simple that if he was in the same situation he would have left, no questions asked. 

 

“We don’t choose who we love Louis! And if you think that, then maybe you’re not as smart as  _ you _ think you are.” 

 

Louis sat there for a minute in silence. “But if someone was hurting me…” 

 

“Would you, Louis? Would you leave. If I started hurting you, if I somehow hurt you, would you leave? Or would you want to try and work it out?” 

 

“That’s awfully bold of you to assume that I’m in love with you, isn’t it, Harry?” he said bitterly and without thinking. 

 

“I-” Harry stood up abruptly. 

 

“Wait, Harry no. I didn’t mean that,” Louis said, confused and frustrated as to how this whole conversation had somehow flipped on him.

 

“I’m leaving,” Harry said, slamming the door behind him. 

 

Louis groaned. It seemed that somehow he always managed to fuck something up, despite that being his last intention. He and Harry shared that, he guessed, the inability to execute something well; almost always letting their emotions get in the way. 

  
  
  



	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shit's about to go down

It had been a week since Louis and Harry had talked, and Louis was tired of it. 

 

“I just wish he’d come back home,” Louis said to Niall. 

 

“I’m sure he’ll make his way back, eventually. Just give him time.” 

 

“Have you heard from him?” Louis asked. 

 

“No, but I have heard from Nick,” Niall and Nick had gotten really close the past months, and bonded over the idiocy of their best friends. Niall took from Nick that Harry was feeling pretty much the same as Louis was right now. 

 

“And?” 

 

“And you two are being children and need to talk. Have you even made an effort to contact him?” 

 

“No, but he hasn’t either!” 

 

“Louis, you threw his abusive relationship back in his face. I’m sorry, but, you’re in the wrong here.” 

 

Louis looked at him incredulously, “You don’t think he’s in the wrong for meeting with this abusive ex?”

 

“I think there’s more to it than what you think you know. I don’t think Harry has any intentions of getting back together with him, either.” 

 

Louis sighed, “I am being an idiot, aren’t I?” Niall just looked at him and shrugged his shoulders like  _ yes, but what are you going to? _

 

Louis decided to swallow his pride despite him still being mad this had turned on him, and called Harry. The conversation was short and went a little something like, 

  
“I’m sorry. I miss you. We should talk.” 

 

***

 

“I’m sorry, H.” Louis said, grabbing Harry’s hand. 

 

“Truly, I- you’re right I don’t understand the situation of you and Declan, and it wasn’t my place to judge.” 

 

Harry sighed, “it’s not your fault Louis. I know that if I was in your position, I’d probably react in a similar way…” 

 

“It’s just that… it hurts me to know that someone treated you like that. It breaks my heart to think of you in that position… you deserve so much more than that.” 

 

“That’s the funny thing about it, Louis. When you asked why I stayed, It’s- it’s just so hard to articulate it. Sometimes, in those situations, you feel like you deserve it. You feel like you deserve what’s being done to you, because someone that loved you wouldn’t just hurt you if you didn’t deserve it, you know?” 

 

Louis felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest, “I…” 

 

“You just let it happen, because when it’s over. It’s just the two of you again. How it should be. Just two people, in love with each other. I suffered through that- through Declan, because I loved him and he loved him. And when it was good, it was  _ good _ . It was really good.”  

 

“I’m so sorry, H. I obviously can’t even imagine going through that…” 

 

“It’s okay Louis, no one understands how hard it is. Those situations, they’re never black and white. I-” he sighed, “I just wish people could see that.” 

 

“But obviously, I have a lot to apologize for too. This isn’t just on you, I never meant to make it feel like this was your fault. I’m sorry for lying to you, that’s not who I am..” 

 

“So why did you?” Louis asked softly. 

 

“I just want to clear it up, that Declan and I, are never going to happen again. That’s not what this was about, at all. I- I thought that by doing this for him, and meeting up with him would somehow protect you,” Harry said. 

 

“Protect me, why?” 

 

“I know him, I know his tendencies, and he really doesn’t like you, Louis. You haven’t dealt with him, but I have- plenty. It was just easier for me to do this on my own, rather than involve you.” 

 

“But I am involved, Harry.” 

“You’re my person, you- you aren’t supposed to protect me. You don’t need to protect me. Let me help you with this, please.” 

 

Harry just shook his head, “I can’t ask you to do that Louis. It’ll just make things worse.” 

 

“Harry-”

 

“Promise me Louis, promise me you won’t get involved?” 

 

Louis, against his better judgement, nodded and said, “I promise.”

 

***

 

Despite the conversation Harry and Louis just had, Louis couldn’t stay out of it. He didn’t want to stay out of it, he just wanted it to end so he and Harry could be happy.

 

“Louis! What a surprise,” Declan said in his nauseatingly charming voice. “To what do I owe the pleasure?” 

 

“Cut the shit, Declan. I know you and Harry have been meeting up and I want to know why.” 

 

“Why don’t you just ask Harry, or is there trouble in paradise?” 

 

“No, I want to hear it from you. I know you’ve been manipulating him.”

 

“Now how could I do that?” Declan asked, knowing he’d just a get rise out of Louis.

 

“You’re a psychotic dick head, that’s how.” 

 

“Ouch Louis, you kiss Harry with those lips?” 

 

“I swear to god…” 

 

“What’re you going to do about it Louis, if we were meeting up? Are you jealous?” 

 

“Not at all. I know Harry, he’s not an idiot. And we’ve already talked about it. He hates you.” 

 

“Yeah? Well I know Harry too, and I know what makes him tick and what he’ll do to protect the ones he loves. And you? I’ve never seen him love anything more.” Declan stood up, getting closer to Louis. 

 

“I know exactly what’ll make him tick.”

 

“You bastard,” Louis was so angry he wanted to smash his fist into a wall, or preferably Declan’s face. 

 

“You could just make this whole situation easier, though…” 

 

“What do you want?” 

 

Declan sighed, “you know what I want, Louis. I want Harry, and I want  _ you _ out of his life.” 

 

“That’s not going to happen.” 

 

“No? You might want to rethink that before somebody gets hurt,” Declan cautioned. 

 

“Is that a threat?” 

 

“Oh, it’s definitely a threat, Louis. Just watch your back… and Harry’s.”

 

“Because I feel like I know you just as much as I know Harry, now. You two really are so similar, I guess the saying ‘opposites attract’ isn’t true. This should be fun…” Declan said grinning.

 

“You’re literally a psychopath. Come near Harry and I ever again, and you’ll regret it.” 

 

“Aw, now who’s threatening who? I’m not scared of you, Louis. But you should be scared of me.”  

 

And with that, Declan and his pompous ass walked out the door, leaving the scent of Axe body spray behind him.

 

***

“Harry, I’m sorry I couldn’t stay out of it.” 

  
“Louis, what have you done?” Harry couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He knew Louis’ intentions were good, but now things were just going to be twenty times harder to manage. 

 

“I just thought-”

 

“What that Declan would just leave us alone? I told you he wouldn’t and to just let me handle it.” 

 

“I know, Harry. I know. I’m sorry, I just thought that it was our time, ya know? That if I could somehow get Declan to stop, we could be happy- well happier. That maybe, the world would just stop for a few moments and let us be happy.” 

 

“Oh, Louis,” Harry exhaled. “The world doesn’t stop turning. It won’t for you and me; it won’t for anyone.” 

 

***

 

“I get you  _ and  _ Louis in one day? How lucky am I?” Declan said sarcastically. 

 

“And for you to come without me asking you to… wow, it really is my lucky day.” 

 

“Oh shut up, would you?” Harry asked, already fed up with the way things were going. 

 

Declan smiled, “What are you doing here?” 

 

“I didn’t ask Louis to talk to you…” 

 

“Oh, I know Harry. I know you’re not that stupid. It did take me by surprise, though. I can see why you like Louis. He’s got some spunk to him, huh? I kinda see myself in him…” 

 

Harry laughed bitterly, “Louis is nothing like you, and will never be anything like you.” 

 

Declan shrugged, “all the same. It doesn’t matter to me.” 

 

“What is it going to take for you to leave us alone?” 

 

Declan looked at him, “see that’s the issue. The ‘us’. That combination of you and Louis as a package deal. That’s the problem; I will never leave ‘you’ guys alone as long as you’re together.” 

 

“But what do you gain from it, D? Splitting us up.” 

 

“I just can’t stand to see you happy, unless you’re happy with me,” Declan said. 

 

“It’s really  _ that _ simple. Just break up with him. It’s not like you love him, right?” Declan asked, raising an eyebrow. 

 

“Or let me rephrase, you’re in love with him but he doesn’t love you, right? I don’t know what you’re waiting for. The minute I saw him, I knew he’d never be ready for love.” 

 

Harry shook his head, refusing to believe anything that came out of his mouth. No, Louis hadn’t said anything about love yet, but that didn’t mean anything… right? Sure, Harry was in love. Maybe he fell in love with Louis from the moment he met him, but he surely didn’t expect the same from Louis. 

 

“Break up with him, Harry, and I’ll leave him alone.” 

 

But Declan had no intention of actually sticking to his word, which Harry should have known. 

 

***

 

Louis was already having a shit day. With everything happening with Declan and his and Harry’s relationship struggling, he really didn’t think anything could make it worse. But of course, as it just so happens, life had something else in store for him, and it involved none other than Declan… again. 

 

Louis was walking out of the gas station where he had just bought cigarettes when suddenly the ground beneath him disappeared, and the wind was knocked from his lungs.

  
“What the fuck?” Louis muttered, trying to regain his surroundings. 

 

As his vision cleared, he saw none other than his least favorite person. 

 

“You have got to be kidding me,” Louis mumbled. “With a population of 4 million people, it is truly amazing that we’d run into each other. Like jesus, you must have an obsession. I literally just saw you a couple of hours ago…” 

 

“Yeah, well. I just need Harry to hurry this process up.”

 

“What do you mean?” 

 

But all Louis got in response was a grin, and suddenly a fist was flying towards his face before knocking him unconscious.

 

***

 

Louis really fucking hated hospitals. They were too clean, too quiet, and the nurses were too fussy.

“I’m fine,” Louis groaned. 

 

The nurse sighed, “you need stitches.”

 

“Stitches? Are you serious?” 

 

“Whoever punched you hit you really hard.”

 

“Bastard…” Louis muttered under his breath. 

“How long is this going to take?”  

 

“Twenty minutes top… I called your friend. He should be on his way soon…” 

 

“Niall?” Louis asked. 

 

“No, Harry Styles?” 

 

Louis groaned again, forgetting that he removed Niall as his emergency contact and changed it to Harry. Louis did not need to explain what happened, as if things weren’t bad enough already. 

 

“Lou!” As if on cue, Harry came rushing in, concern covering his face. 

  
“I’m fine, I’m fine… It’s just a bruised ego,” Louis said.

 

“Did he… did Declan…” 

 

Louis didn’t need to say anything for Harry to know that it was him.

 

“Are you serious… I’m sorry Louis.”

 

“Harry this isn’t your fault.”

 

“Yes! It is...I shouldn’t have met up with him that first time he called…” Harry tried to imagine how different things would be if he had just ignored him. Harry certainly wouldn’t have been left alone, but maybe Louis could’ve been saved. 

 

“It’s my fault you’re sitting in a hospital right now… I-”

 

“Harry it’s merely a flesh wound. I’ll be okay…”

 

But Harry was already thinking about what he had to do to keep Louis safe, and unfortunately Louis was thinking the same for Harry. He remembered what Declan had said before he punched him  _ I just need Harry to hurry this process up _ . And he knew that Harry wouldn’t just let Declan get his way, so he figured he’d have to take matters into his own hands. 

 

***

“I think I’m going to break up with him, Niall.” 

 

Niall did a double take, “What? Were you not just talking about how you loved him?” 

 

“Yeah yeah, and I do. I’m in love with him. But I can’t just wait for Declan to make his next move, and I certainly can’t have Harry getting hurt.” 

 

“But then you’re basically just handing him to Declan… I don’t understand.” 

 

“No Niall, you don’t. Like Harry told me, you’ll never understand the things someone would do for someone else when they’re in love.”

  
  


***

 

“I can’t say it back…”

 

And how Harry’s heart shattered upon hearing those words. Harry thought that Declan’s ‘I miss you’ was damaging, but that paled in comparison to Louis’ unresponsiveness to Harry saying those other three words. 

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because Harry.. I’m not there yet. I can’t commit like that yet.”

 

“What do you mean you can’t commit? We’ve been ‘together’ for a year now, I just don’t understand,” Harry said, his voice trembling. “And with all this shit that’s been happening with Declan. I just thought that… we could get through it because we loved each other.” 

 

“Harry I can’t explain it… I like you a lot. Like more than I’ve ever ever liked anyone. But I just can’t say I love you yet… I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to.” 

 

“What the fuck does that mean Louis?” 

 

“I think I’m incapable of love, Harry.”

 

Harry was immediately taken back to what Declan said…  _ I knew he’d never be ready for love.  _

Despite that, and what Louis was saying now, Harry knew that that was a lie. Louis was capable of love… he had felt it everyday. 365 days. 365 days full of laughter, of immense joy, of stolen kisses. 365 days  _ full  _ of love. 

 

“You knew…” Louis started, “you knew I never deserved you. I knew I never deserved you, maybe we’ve been playing ourselves this whole time.” 

 

“Louis…” Harry’s heart breaking piece by piece. 

 

“What did you think was going to happen, Harry? That it was going to be the two of us in the end?” 

 

“Yes! Louis, I did! You are the person I want to spend the rest of my life with- and nothing you can say will change the way I feel about you. I don’t understand where this is all coming from.” 

 

“I don’t love you Harry,” Louis’ voice cracked, “and I can’t give you the love that you deserve.” 

 

“Stop… saying that. You deserve me, you deserve it...you deserve all of it and more.”   
  


“And so do you! And I can’t give you ‘all of it and more.’” 

 

“Lou… is this about Declan?”

 

“It’s not! It’s not about him, it was never about him. It’s about you and me. It’s about  _ us _ . And one of us, just can’t reciprocate what the other is feeling right now.” Two hearts were shattering the longer the conversation went on as Louis lied through his teeth, and Harry pleaded for him to stop.

 

But Louis wouldn’t stop and Harry had become increasingly more pissed off as Louis kept talking. 

 

“Just shut up, Louis, and let me talk!” 

 

“It didn’t make sense to me, why you’re doing this. But I finally understand I think...”

 

“Understand what?”   
  


“Why you’ve never been in a serious relationship.”

 

Louis looked at him to continue, knowing that what was about to come next was not going to be good.

 

“It’s because you’re selfish,” Harry spat, “you use people. But when it comes down to it you would never settle. Not for anyone. And I was stupid enough to think that you’d fall in love with me.” 

 

“Harry,” Louis said softly, “you’re not stupid.” 

 

“Aren’t I, though? Isn’t that what you’ve been telling me these past months? That I’m stupid enough to get back into contact with my ex, which was, by the way, to protect  _ you _ …” 

 

“I never asked you to do that!” Louis spit back. 

 

“Well, I guess we all do stupid things when we’re in love, huh? And I am stupid, I am ‘stupid enough’ to do all that shit, to fall in love with someone who was never capable of falling in love with me.” 

 

Harry was shaking so badly, Louis just wanted to give him a hug. But he couldn't. He couldn’t do anything when Harry said those awful things to him. 

 

“And you know what? I kept telling myself that you were nothing like Declan. That there wasn’t a single bad bone in your body. But you two… you two are so similar, I can’t believe I didn’t see it. You both just use and use and use people until they’re worn down. Until they can’t fight anymore. So I’m done. I’m done fighting for people who don’t give a shit about me.”

 

That hit Louis like a slap in the face. Maybe he deserved it, yeah, but he had been wrong. Harry could hurt someone, and Louis knew that Harry felt everything he was saying and more. 

 

But nothing hurt more than Harry thinking he didn’t care about him. Louis wished he could take it all back, but it was too late. The damage was already done.

 

“I hope you’re happy, Louis,” Harry said bitterly. 

“I have a feeling this is exactly what you wanted.” 

 

And it was. It was what Louis had wanted. Not because he was selfish, but because he didn’t want Harry protecting him anymore. He didn’t want to deal with Declan. He didn’t want Harry to get hurt. 

 

Louis just didn’t think that by doing this, however, he would hurt Harry in the worst way.

  
  
  



	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING
> 
> *some mentions of abuse/ no explicit harm

It felt like the world had finally stopped. Well not stopped, but more like it had ended. For Louis at least, everything had stopped. He didn’t drink. He didn’t eat. He slept. That’s it. And still the world spun, paying no mind to the fact that Louis’ world was collapsing.

 

Harry, on the other hand, allowed his world to keep spinning. He didn’t stop, he didn’t sulk. He didn’t sleep but he ate and he drank, and drank, and drank. 

 

Louis had decided it was time to cut the shit. He couldn’t take it anymore, wallowing in his self pity. He did this to himself. He chose to end it, and he had to live with it. 

 

Harry hadn’t had a sip of alcohol in 12 months and that all went to shit. Harry needed this, needed the alcohol to wash away everything that happened. He was certainly feeling no pain, because that was the point of alcohol wasn’t it? To feel no pain?

 

Except Louis felt everything. He was used to the numbing effects of alcohol, but tonight, it just wasn’t working. And instead of being numb, Louis felt the adverse effects. He became increasingly more aware of how alone he was, and that he had lost the only person who had truly loved him. 

 

_ You never got to experience someone loving you as much as you love them, and in a not familial way?  _ Louis finally got to experience. For a glorious year. The same person who made him aware of this loss was the one who gave it to him. He loved Harry, if not more than how much Harry loved him. 

 

Harry really was the thing he’d been waiting for his entire life. And Louis could wait a little longer until the timing was right. But until then he’d just have to leave a space for him in his heart.

 

Harry couldn’t remember why he quit drinking. He felt fucking amazing. Like he was floating on cloud nine.  Fleetwood Mac was playing loudly, the bass thumping as he shook his ass, all the men nearby staring at him. He loved it. Loved the attention. 

 

***

 

“Louis? What are you doing here?” Louis turned to see none other than Kieran and Louis just happened to be downing another shot as he came up. 

 

“Uh…” 

 

Kieran laughed, “No judgements, Louis. Isn’t that what we’d always say during sessions. I’ll even let you in on a little secret, I drink too.”

 

Louis looked at him, surprised. 

 

“Just because I run AA doesn’t mean  _ I _ don’t drink. The only reason I do it is because I’ve seen what alcohol can do to a person.” That statement sounded verrry familiar. 

 

“My sister was killed in a drunk driving incident,” he continued, “so I’ve volunteered my time for those in need.” 

 

Louis all of a sudden had a newfound respect for him and felt bad for judging him before. And despite their differing views on what football was, they had one more thing in common.

 

“I’m so sorry to hear about your sister… but it’s really great that you do that.”

 

“Thank you. Speaking of, I haven’t seen you, or Harry in awhile?”

 

Louis felt his heart deflate a little at the mention of Harry’s name, “I have been doing a pretty good job of staying out of trouble in regards to alcohol…” he said recognizing the irony in the statement as he held onto his beer. 

 

“I can’t speak for Harry though,” Louis added. 

 

“Well, I’m glad to hear that.” 

 

Louis nodded.

 

“So… can I buy you a drink?” Kieran offered, smiling. And who was Louis to refuse?

  
  


***   
  


“Can I buy you a drink?” some man came up behind Harry while he was dancing. 

 

“Actually,” Harry slurred, “I think I’ve had too much to drink already. But, thank you, for the offer,” he said, smiling. The man, however, remained persistent. 

 

“Can I get you something to eat, then?” And Harry decided that some food would really hit right about now, so he obliged and allowed this man to take him out. The whole situation would have been really awkward if Harry hadn’t been drunk off his ass, considering he still didn’t even know the name of the man.

 

“I’m Harry, by the way. I’m uh sorry you had to meet me this way. I’m not usually like this...I never really drink and…” Harry rambled on, while the man laughed. 

 

“I’m Adrian,” he responded, “and I think I’ve met you in the perfect way,” he turned to Harry, grinning. 

 

***

 

Both Harry and Louis had managed to find themselves in bed the following morning, but not with each other. 

 

“Good morning,” Adrian said quietly, as Harry’s eyes fluttered open. Adrian had already gotten up and prepared him a cup of coffee and a piece of toast with avocado. 

 

“Oh my god,” Harry groaned upon the realization of what happened. 

 

“Is everything okay?” Adrian asked, concerned. 

“You’re not in a relationship or something right? I didn’t just get into the middle of something did I?” 

 

Harry let out a small laugh, “No no, nothing like that. Well I guess not nothing like that because I did just get out of a relationship, like really recently, and-”   
  
Adrian cut him off, putting up his hand, “no need for an explanation. I understand the rebound thing, I’ll uh, just dump out this coffee.” He quickly jumped out of bed and a few seconds later Harry heard the coffee being poured down the sink.

 

Harry groaned again, “Adrian.” 

 

Adrian came back in, “Yeah?” 

 

“I didn’t view this as a rebound thing. I just wasn’t thinking properly last night, clearly. But that wasn’t my intention at all.” 

 

Adrian smiled warmly, “I got it, don’t worry.”

 

“But, I do have to run out this morning. Raincheck on that coffee, though?” Harry asked. 

 

Adrian nodded, as Harry grabbed his wallet and jacket, while calling an Uber.    
  


“Hey Nick, I’m so sorry. I’m running a little late, but I’ll be there in twenty.” 

 

Harry sighed as he got into his Uber, wondering how he ended up in this situation. He wasn’t lying to Adrian, rebounds were really not his thing and the wound of Louis was still so fresh on his heart and in his mind, he didn’t think he’d have the capacity to maintain a friendship with Adrian, much less a relationship. 

 

Harry could feel Louis’ absence everywhere he went. In all the things he did, he would always be thinking about how different it would be if Louis was with him. But Louis had made his choice, and there was nothing Harry could do about it. 

 

Selfishly, Harry hoped that Louis was hurting just as much as he was. 

 

***

 

“Good morning, Lou,” to which Louis inadvertently cringed at, only Harry could call him ‘Lou’. 

 

“Mmm, morning,” he mumbled, feeling like absolute shit. It had only been a week since he broke up with Harry, and this was the exact thing that he would have preferred to have avoided. Louis was okay with rebounds, but doing it with Kieran, someone who wasn’t a stranger, was… unfortunate, to say the least. 

 

Louis already got the feeling that Kieran would be hard to shake off, and he was not looking forward to dealing with that.    
  
“So uh… I can make breakfast or something?” 

 

Louis cringed again, “Actually, I have plans. I have to meet up with a friend.”

 

“Oh, okay, no problem.” 

 

“Yeah…” Louis said awkwardly, “I’ll just, see myself out.” 

Louis breathed a sigh of relief when he left Kieran’s apartment, but knew he hadn’t dodged the bullet completely, yet. 

 

“Niall,” Louis spoke into his phone, “I’ll see you in twenty.” 

***

 

“I don’t know, Niall,” Nick said, “Harry’s really torn up about it. Louis did just kind of hit him out of the blue with it.” 

 

“Only to protect Harry, though. You obviously know Declan better than I do,” Niall said, “but from what I do know that guy is-”

 

“The absolute worst,” Nick said, sighing. 

 

“He put Harry through so much pain, and nothing was harder than being his friend and not being able to do anything about it. I would try, you know? But Harry would just brush it and off and tell me that he could handle it.

 

Each time he told me he could handle it… and then one day I got a call from the hospital saying that Harry had fractured some ribs and his wrist. You know why? Because Declan had hit him  _ that _ hard. I think that was the point when Harry realized he couldn’t handle it anymore. 

 

He suffered through the little- and don’t think I’m saying that lightly, stuff because he was in love with him. Because that’s just who Harry is. When he loves you he won’t give up easily. He would’ve done anything for Louis, Niall. But he’s suffered through so much I don’t know if he’ll recover from this.” 

 

Niall sighed, “I can’t even imagine. But I understand. I love Louis, I always will. He may be one of the greatest people I have ever met despite all that life has thrown at him…I just... Isn’t it amazing? How unfair the world is?” 

 

Nick nodded, “The best people get hit with some of the worst stuff...Do you think they’ll find their way back to each other, though?” 

 

“Without a doubt. I’ve never seen two people more in love. I just don’t think the timing is right, you know? I think Louis found Harry a little too early, or that Harry found Louis a little too late.”

 

Nick let out a small laugh, “Harry  _ is _ always late. Speaking of, I’m meeting up with him soon, and I don’t know if it would make things weird if you two ran into each other….” 

 

“Yeah, I have to meet up with Louis anyways… It’s always great talking to you, Nick. I hope you give Harry my best.” 

 

“Do the same for Louis, Niall.” 

 

Unfortunately, the situation they wanted to avoid occured moments later, as Harry walked into the cafe just as Niall was leaving. While Harry made no attempt to say hello, Niall signified that he saw him by giving him a head nod. 

 

“Were you with Niall?” Harry asked upon sitting down in front of Nick. 

 

“Oh yeah… I hope you don’t mind…” 

 

“Nick, seriously? I don’t mind at all. You’ve known Niall just about as long as I have. I would never tell you to not be friends with him…” he trailed off, “did he mention anything about Louis?” 

 

Nick sighed, “Harry…”

 

“I know I know, I was just asking…” 

 

“No, not really though. Think he’s feeling about the same as you are now.” Harry nodded sadly. 

 

“But anyways…” he continued, “what happened to you last night? We were supposed to watch the game.”

 

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I just ended up having a few too many drinks, and then this guy…” 

Nick raised an eyebrow. 

 

“Okay, yes. I ended up going home with a guy…” 

 

“Harry…” 

 

“Nick, please don’t lecture me now, I understand that what I did was stupid… I- don’t know what happened.” 

 

“Harry I know this whole situation sucks, but it’s not like you to do this…” 

 

“Well apparently I’ve been doing a lot of things that are unlike me,” Harry grumbled. 

 

“Maybe I need this, Nick. Maybe I just need to be with someone and not have any expectations. Not go into it thinking I’m going to get married to the guy. This isn’t ‘like’ me, and maybe that’s why I need to do this… I’m tired of being me…” Harry said quietly. 

 

“Oh Harry, don’t say that…”

 

“But it’s true Nick. Clearly something about me is wrong since absolutely nothing goes the way I want it to, so maybe I just have to do everything unlike me and things will finally start to work out…” 

 

“That’s not how it works Harry, and you know it.” 

 

“Well I’m tired, Nick!” Harry said, raising his voice. 

 

“I’m so tired and I don’t know what else to do anymore.” 

 

***

  
“I’m not worried, Niall. I think after everything that happened with Declan blows over, Harry and I will be fine.” 

 

Niall sighed, “How can you guys be ‘fine’ after that whole situation? You both said some pretty terrible things.”

 

“Yeah but-”

 

“L, you said that you didn’t think you’d ever be able to give Harry what he wanted… That’s not something to just lie about, even if it was to protect him. How is he going to be able to trust you again?” 

 

Louis looked at him, and responded simply: “I believe in the power of love.”

  
  


***

 

“So I hear that you and Louis have broken up?” Declan asked Harry as they were sitting down for lunch. Declan and Harry had been spending a decent amount of time together over the past week. Harry still absolutely hated his guts, but Declan had checked himself into anger management classes, and Harry, being the person he was, chose to stand by him while he was doing it. 

 

Harry shot him a glare, “how about we not talk about it since you’re the reason we’re not together, hm?” 

 

Declan threw up both of his hands in surrender, “Sorry, sorry. But can’t say I’m actually  _ that _ sorry. I’ve missed spending time with you, Harry.” 

 

Harry didn’t know what to say to that. He didn’t know why he went back to Declan, why he’d choose to support him. Maybe because there was a part of him that believed Declan could change. That he could be the person he was when Harry first met him… the person Harry fell in love with.  

 

Harry had no intentions of getting back together, but everyone deserves a chance in the world, even Declan. If Harry could help him to turn into the man he knew he could be, then Harry would make that sacrifice. 

 

“Yeah well I didn’t do this to spend time with you.” 

 

“No?” Declan asked. 

 

“Nope, so let’s skip the small talk. How are you doing?” 

 

“I don’t know… the people I’m with… they have reasons for behaving the way they do, you know? Like half of them had abusive parents or relatives, so they grew up in those environments that would trigger them to act this way. But-”

 

“I’m going to stop you right there, D.” Harry said, disgusted. “No one has a good enough reason to start beating someone, no matter the environment that they were raised in. No excuses. And as for the family thing,” Harry wanted to slam his fists into Declan for even saying that, “my dad beat my mom for years when I was a child and I-” his voice caught, “I have never once thought about laying my hands another person like that.” 

 

“I don’t care who you are or what your situation was- unless it was for self defense, there is never a good enough reason to hurt someone.” 

 

Declan’s face softened, “I’m sorry, Harry. I- I didn’t mean for it to sound so insensitive. And I know there’s no excuse, but I just don’t understand why I’m like this… I just feel like there’s something wrong with me.” 

 

Harry understood that feeling. He’d been feeling it for awhile now. 

 

“Is it biological? Is there something wrong in my brain that makes me act like this? I just… sometimes I don’t feel human. Like I get so angry, and I just can’t control it sometimes. It’s never been- it  _ was  _ never my intention to harm...you. I just don’t know what happened.” 

 

“I don’t know what to tell you, Declan. I’m no doctor. We all have our flaws,” Harry thought back to what Kieran had told him a year ago, “we all have our triggers. I can’t tell you what your trigger is, but you’re going to need to figure out. Once you do that, I think you’ll have a better chance of controlling whatever is inside you that makes you want to do this.” 

 

“Harry… I know things were fucked up between us, but I really appreciate this. I can’t tell you enough how much this means to me…” 

 

“I’m not doing this for you, Declan. I’m doing this for whoever you end up with in the future. I’m doing this so they don’t have to go through what I went through.”

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we don't justify abuse in this house


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some time has passed- tbh i'm really bad at judging time but bear with me

14 months had passed when Harry and Louis’ paths finally crossed again. Neither had spoken to each other, but kept up with the other through Nick and Niall. Louis had spent those past months pretty much alone as Niall started his tour. Harry, on the other hand, had gotten increasingly closer with Adrian. 

 

Neither wanted to be the first to make contact with each other, but luckily they didn’t have to. The stars must’ve aligned that day as they just so happened to run into each other at the grocery store. Harry was shopping for avocados and Louis was picking up cinnamon toast crunch cereal. It should’ve only taken five minutes, top. 

 

“Harry?” Louis asked, as he came around the corner to see him standing in the produce section. 

 

“Louis?” Harry responded, nearly dropping the avocado in his hand.

“Oops,” he muttered.

 

“Uh, hi,” Louis said awkwardly. The two of them looked at each other not knowing where to start. 

 

“It’s been awhile,” Harry said. And awhile it had been. The two of them thinking in silence how much things had changed over the past year. 

 

“So how are you?” Louis asked. 

 

“I’m doing…” Harry stopped to think about how to answer that question. He and Adrian’s relationship had been progressing quite smoothly over the past year. The two of them were as close to perfect for each other as someone could get. They complemented each other, they trusted each other. They reacted to things in the same way. It was… easy with Adrian. It was exactly what Harry needed, so he answered honestly, “really well, yeah.” 

 

“And you?” 

 

A little tougher for Louis to answer. How was he doing? It took all his will power to not call Harry over those 365 days. He had been truly alone with nothing but his mind. He and Kieran didn’t end up going anywhere, not that Louis was too upset about it. 

 

“I’m alright…” and Harry could hear the  _ I’ve been better _ in the undertones of that statement. Harry’s heart had slowly been pieced back together, but cracked a little when he saw Louis, and saw how much he was hurting. 

 

“Have you heard from Niall recently?” Harry asked, not really knowing why he was trying to keep the conversation going. Maybe because he missed Louis… missed his voice. 

 

“Yeah, actually. Think he’s somewhere in South America… Argentina, maybe?”

 

Harry nodded, “I bet you’re proud.” 

 

“Yeah, of course. Niall’s my best mate. It’s great to see him doing his thing…” Louis trailed off. There was one thing he wanted to ask Harry about, but didn’t really know how to do it tactfully. Louis was never the best at being complacent, however, and asked Harry anyways. 

 

“How’s Declan?” Harry tensed at the name, but knew it was coming. 

  
“He moved, actually. Trying to start over, yeah.” 

  
Declan had come to say goodbye to Harry four weeks ago. Apologizing for everything he did to Harry in the past, and what he did to him and Louis in the present. He said he was off to North Carolina, or maybe it was New York. But whatever it was, he was gone. Just like that. 

 

He had put Harry through hell for three miserable years, and then poof. Gone. He lost Louis because of him, so he was honestly a little bit mad that it took next to nothing for him to leave. 

 

Louis looked at him confused and hurt. Declan was gone, so why hadn’t Harry contacted him earlier? That was the only thing standing in their way, right? And now he was gone so… 

 

Harry could tell what Louis was thinking, “I’m seeing someone else, Lou…” 

 

“Oh.” 

 

Unlike Harry’s heart, Louis’ never recovered, and this… this was just about the last break Louis could handle.  _ I believe in the power of love _ . Well, apparently love didn’t believe in him. 

 

“Well,” Louis said, trying not cry, “I’ve got to get going.” 

 

“Louis,” Harry said, “call me, yeah? I miss you.” 

 

How awful of Harry to say that when he knew how damaging those three words could be. But it was the truth. He missed Louis, missed hanging out with him. Missed their bantering. Things with Adrian were good, but they were almost too easy. Louis challenged and pushed him, made him see the world in a different light. Showed him that things weren’t nearly as bad as they seemed; Louis helped him see how beautiful the world was. 

  
  


***

 

Adrian had told Harry to meet him at Maude, for something special.. Harry couldn’t think of much, except that they just celebrated their one year anniversary. 

 

One year with Declan, two years since Louis.

 

Harry couldn’t believe it was just two years ago when he had lost Louis. Was that awful for him to think about? On his one year anniversary he was thinking about another man? 

 

“Dress nicely!” Adrian had told him. Harry put on a green floral button up and black jeans, brushed out his hair which was getting a little too long for his liking. 

 

Harry sighed, and left for dinner with Louis still on his mind.

 

***

 

Louis was pacing the floor in his living room, wondering if he should call Harry or not.  _ I miss you _ . Why had Harry said that when he was clearly in a relationship. Was it meant to be platonic, or something more than that? Louis didn’t want to get hurt again, but he was so tired of alone, and he missed the sound of Harry’s voice. 

 

“Oh what the hell,” Louis said after some time, pulling out his phone. 

 

“ _ You’ve reached Harry. I can’t come to the phone right now. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.” _

 

“Uh, hi Harry. It’s Louis you told me to call…” 

 

Meanwhile at the restaurant, Harry and Adrian had just finished their dinner. 

 

“Can we get you anything for dessert?” Their waiter asked. 

 

“Uh, I think-”

 

“Yes please,” Adrian butted in, “chef’s special, yeah?” 

 

The waiter nodded, smiling. 

 

“Well you must be in a good mood, huh?” Harry said smiling, “we never get dessert.” 

 

“Well it is our one-year, Harry.” Adrian responded smiling, “and because of that, I’ve prepared some words for you.” 

 

“Oh, Adrian I-” Harry said, starting to get nervous. He had strong feelings for Adrian, but definitely not as strong as the feelings Adrian had for him. 

  
“Shh, let me talk. So where to start…” 

 

_ “Where do I start, Harry?” Louis said into the mailbox. “I miss you. I miss you so much. I feel like I’m suffocating over here. I feel like I can’t breathe without you. I…”  _

 

“From the minute I saw you, you took my breath away. You were so confident, and anyone who was a fan of Fleetwood Mac, I knew would be a keeper…” 

 

_ “... I miss you everyday. Every minute of every hour of every day. I just want to spend it with you...” _

 

“After our first meeting I couldn’t imagine spending any amount of time without you. Things with you are so easy. I never feel afraid…” 

 

_ “...Things weren’t always the easiest with us, I know. But I wouldn’t trade it for the world, you know? And am I afriad? A little, but only because I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I’m so scared because I’ve never felt anything like this before. And to know that it could just be taken away from me at any moment… that scares the shit out of me. But I’d take the risk for you.”  _

 

“I know you’d never do anything to hurt me. I can’t imagine you ever hurting anyone…”

 

_ “I hurt you, I know. I didn’t mean to… I never meant to hurt you like that…”  _

 

“And I wouldn’t dare hurt you. You are… too good for me, and yet here you are.” 

 

_ “You were too good for me, still are. But you saw something in me… something that no one else did. And the things I see in you, well there’s just too much to be said over the phone...” _

 

“Harry, I couldn’t imagine my life without you.” 

 

_ “I can’t imagine my life without you, Harry.”  _

 

At this point Harry was scared shitless. 

 

“So,” Adrian continued as the waiter brought over their dessert. Harry looked down at the plate to see, 

“Will you marry me?” A

 

drian, was down on one knee with a ring in his hands. 

 

_ “I love you. I don’t know why I didn’t say before. I loved you then, too. But… here I am, saying it out loud. I love you, Harry Styles.”  _

 

***

 

“So Louis, have you heard the news?” Niall asked gently over the phone. It was nearly 11 and Louis was still waiting anxiously for Harry to call him back. 

 

“What news?” he asked.

 

“It’s about Harry…” 

 

“Is he okay? I tried calling him earlier, but he didn’t pick up and… never returned my call.” It’d been three hours since Louis had called, and Louis knew Harry must’ve gotten the message. That man was always on his phone.

 

“Oh, yeah he’s fine. I don’t know how to tell you this, Lou.” 

 

“What Niall? Just tell me.” 

 

“He’s engaged, Louis.” 

 

“What?! Since when?” Which was stupid, because it obviously happened within the last couple of hours. Harry definitely wasn’t wearing a ring in the grocery store, and why would he have told Louis he missed him if he was engaged. 

 

“Yeah… Adrian proposed to him like a couple of hours ago...I’m so sorry.”

 

“I don’t… I just saw him today. He told me he missed me. I thought that…” Louis couldn’t even form proper sentences that would accurately describe how he was feeling. Confusion? Anger? Sadness? Betrayal? All of the above? 

 

“Louis, you still there?” Niall asked after some time.

 

“Yeah… I just don’t know what to say. I thought it was going to be him and me in the end…”

 

“I know, Louis. I know. I’m so sorry… I have to run, show’s starting in 30 minutes. I’ll call you right after, okay? Hang in there, L.” 

 

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll try,” Louis said, managing to hang up before Niall could hear him cry. 

 

Of course this would happen to him. Louis truly believed he had finally found his person. The one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with would now be spending it with someone else, and it just... wasn’t fair. Louis opened up his heart and bared all of it for Harry to see. And Harry had loved him, fiercely, and unconditionally. 

 

Harry started to fill the gap that was left from his mom and his sister. And while their love was irreplaceable, Harry filled his heart in a way that almost made it feel full again, but in a different way. And now, what was left? Louis had suffered from unbearable losses, each one taking a part of him. 

 

Louis was devastated, but above all, he was mad. Mad at Harry, and mad at the world. And he just wanted to yell. He couldn’t yell at the world, but he could yell at Harry. 

 

“I’m sure you got my other message from earlier, but now I’m taking it back. I’m taking back everything I said, and especially those three words. I don’t know if this is your way of getting back at me? Some cruel, twisted joke you wanted to play on me, but I’m not going to let you get any satisfaction out of it...

 

I remember our conversation before we ended things, how you said  _ I  _ was selfish and how  _ I  _ use people, and that’s exactly what you just did. Did you think you could have me and Adrian? Have the best of both worlds? I hope  _ you’re _ happy, Harry. 

 

And I was wrong. It wasn’t me who wasn’t deserving of you,” Louis spat,

 

“It was you who was never deserving of me. So fuck you, and fuck this world,” he finished. He didn’t really mean any of it, and as he ended the call it finally sunk in that Louis was completely, and utterly alone, and much like his words, Louis felt just about the same: empty.

 

***

 

“I love you, Harry Styles,” the right words at the wrong time. Harry had waited a whole year to hear those words, and now the wait was finally over. But they were from the wrong person at the wrong time. Well, the right person, but definitely the wrong time. It was always like this. Everything always happened at the wrong time. 

 

“Congratulations, H, I’m so happy for you,” Nick said, giving him a hug. The words lacked the truth, however, and Harry could feel the weight that they held. Nick would never outright say that he didn’t like Adrian, but Harry knew he was thinking that anyways. 

 

“I’m so surprised,” Nick continued, “it kind of came out of the blue.”

 

“Yeah, tell me about it. I wasn’t expecting it at all…” Harry trailed off, thinking about how he had gone into the date thinking about Louis, and again, how awful of a person that made him.

 

Nick started to say something else, but Adrian came over, grabbing Harry by the waist. 

“So Harry,” he said, completely ignoring Nick, “I’m thinking a summer wedding?”

 

“As in… this summer? Like 6 months from now?” It just kept going from bad to worse.

 

“I’m thinking, the sooner the better, yeah?”

 

_ I’m thinking… _ Harry wanted to scream at him to shut up.

 

“Can we… talk about this later? We still have guests…” Adrian had invited friends over to their house for a small celebration, and by friends, they were only Adrian’s and half of them Harry had never even met before. He was honestly surprised Adrian had even invited Nick since the two weren’t on the best of terms. Despite Adrian’s best efforts to get Nick to like him, it wasn’t working out so he gave up trying. He only tolerated him, for Harry’s sake, much like how Nick tolerated Adrian for his sake. 

 

“Adrian,” a young man, who was included in Harry’s never-before-seen list, came up to shake his hand. “Congratulations, I’m really happy for you,” and Harry was surprised to hear that the words held a similar weight to the one’s Nick said to him.

 

When the man walked off, Harry raised an eyebrow to Adrian who sighed and responded, “just an old friend.” 

 

Harry wanted to push the conversation more, but not before his phone interrupted it.  _ Incoming call from ‘Lou _ ’. Harry sighed, and hit decline, knowing that he’d eventually have to explain how this happened. A familiar ache ran through his body at the thought of Louis, and at the realization that he just made a commitment to a man he wasn’t even sure he was in love with. 

 

Harry would listen to Louis’ message later… over and over again- on repeat in his head...  _ so fuck you, and fuck the world. _ As much as it hurt to hear those things, Harry really couldn’t blame him. He wasn’t trying to be manipulative, he didn’t know Adrian was going to propose, and that wasn’t a lie. Harry truly missed Louis, but now he was worried that he might of lost him for good.

 

***

 

“Louis you need to get out of bed.”

 

“Niall please, I just want to stay here forever,”  Louis mumbled. 

 

“And I want a million dollars, but we don’t always get what we want.” 

 

Louis opened one eye, and glared at him. “Wrong, because you do have a million dollars.” 

 

Niall sighed, “okay okay bad example. But there are a lot of things I want that I can’t have. That’s just the way the world works.”

 

Louis groaned, “I’m tired of hearing that. Can someone fix the world then? I think it’s broken…” 

 

“Lou, please,” Niall said exasperated, “are you really going to make me watch the football game alone?” 

 

“Yes,” Louis said indignantly. 

Niall sighed again, walking out of the room, “you’re forcing my hand here, Louis, not sorry about it.” 

 

“What do you-” but he was cut off by the freezing cold sting of water hitting his face. 

 

“Niall! I’m going to kill you!” 

 

“Well, Lou, you’re going to have to get out of bed to do that,” he said, and although Louis couldn’t see him, he knew he was smiling. 

 

Louis groaned, but said, “honestly, I think that was the closest thing to a shower I’ve had all week.”  

 

Louis had been hauled up in his room for the past week, not leaving his bed unless it was for food or to go to the bathroom. 

 

“Exactly. So get your ass out of bed.”

 

“Ugh, I liked you better when you were in a different country… just kidding. I’ve missed you but you’re being a pain in the ass.”

 

“Me? You’re being a pain in  _ my _ ass.” 

 

Louis sighed, and sat up. “I’m sorry, Niall. Really. You didn’t have to come by.”

 

“Of course I did, Louis. This is the first time I’m seeing you in months, and what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t check in on you…” 

 

More seriously he said, “Talk to me.” 

 

“There’s nothing to talk about, Niall. He’s engaged, there’s nothing I can do about it,” even though Louis wished he could travel back in time and fix everything. 

 

“Well, if it’s any consolation, Nick hates the guy, so…” 

 

Louis cracked a small smile, “yeah that is.” But then he frowned again, “I just don’t understand how it happened. A rebound is one thing, I get that. But then… getting married to him? Seems kind of fast. 

 

“Would you have married Harry, if things worked out better between you guys?” 

 

“Yeah of course…” 

 

“So then how is it any different?” 

 

“Niall, you’re absolute shit at making a person feel better.” 

 

Niall chuckled a little, “I’m sorry Louis. I know how hard this is for you… but you’re going to get through it. You’ll find someone else.” 

 

“That’s the issue, N. I don’t want anyone else… I just want Harry.” 

  
  


***

“Nick what do I do? He hates me…” 

 

“I don’t think he hates you, Harry. I think it’s the opposite actually.” 

 

“Okay, fine. Then he loves me, but what am I supposed to do with that? I can’t just reverse the engagement.” 

 

“Harry if you’re not in love with this man, then you should absolutely tell him.”

 

“I don’t know if I do or don’t, Nick. He treats me really well, and there’s no drama with him. It’s just…”

 

“Easy?” Nick finished.

Harry nodded, “Yeah.”

 

“Is easy  _ really _ worth it?” 

 

“Are you _ really _ going to ask me that?” Harry asked, glaring at him. “After everything, ‘easy’ is a nice break from what I’m used to.”

 

“I didn’t mean it like that, Harry,” Nick sighed. “But you just said it yourself, it’s a nice ‘break’. And breaks aren’t meant to be long-term.” 

 

“I just think you need to be honest with yourself and what you want and be honest to Adrian, too. As much as I don’t like him, he deserves the truth. You owe him that much…” 

 

“Yeah but somehow, the truth always ends in someone getting hurt.” 

  
  
  



	13. Chapter 13

It was officially official. The wedding invitations had been sent out, and there was nothing left to do but wait for RSVPS. 

 

“Niall! I can’t believe you’re getting married,” Louis gushed, “I’m so happy and excited for you.” 

 

“Thank you, Louis,” Niall said sincerely. “It really does happen so quickly, I can’t believe I’ll be a married man in two months.” 

 

“Julia is one lucky woman,” Louis said, smiling. 

 

“I’m the lucky one,” Niall responded. 

 

“Anyways, I didn’t just come to drop off the wedding invitation, I always wanted to ask if you’d be my best man?” 

 

“Of course, I’d be honored to… are you sure you want me?” Louis asked, shocked.

 

“Yes, you’re my best mate, so of course you’d be my best man!” 

 

“Oh you’re going to regret this…” Louis said, grinning devilishly.

 

“I’m going to embarrass the hell out of you during my speech.” 

 

“You know, I could always give it to Nick…” 

 

“Nope, no trade backs. Sorry, I don’t make the rules!” 

 

Niall laughed, “well it wouldn’t be a speech in true Louis fashion if there weren’t some sort of jokes… I’ve known you for how long now? I think I can handle it…” 

 

Louis smiled and was filled with immense joy for his friend, but all the talk about weddings made his heart ache. But there was no time to be sad. He had a speech to write.

 

***

 

“Harry, you got something in the mail!” Adrian called from the kitchen. Harry stumbled into the kitchen, grabbing the envelop, reading the return address.  _ Niall Horan. _

 

“What is it?” Adrian asked as Harry was opening the card. 

 

“A wedding invitation,”  _ Save the Date _ was scrawled across the front with a picture of Niall and his fiancee, Julia. Harry was surprised he was invited since he hadn’t talked to Niall in awhile… in fact he hadn’t heard from him since things ended with Louis. He wondered if Nick had anything to do with it.

 

“Oh, that’s nice. But I don’t like that,” Adrian pointed to the text, “we’re not doing that on ours.” 

 

Harry sighed, “Can we talk about that now?” Harry had been asking Adrian for the past two weeks if they could talk about these wedding plans, but Adrian would just brush it off and tell him “later.” 

 

Harry just needed more time to figure out he was feeling, and while he was confused, the thought of a wedding in six and a half months was not something he wanted. 

 

“Sure,” Adrian said, hesitantly. He could kinda guess that Harry was slowly backing out of the arrangement, which is why he was he avoiding the conversation.    
  


“I just think…” Harry started, “we should wait a little longer before we jump into this marriage thing.” 

 

Adrian looked at him, “can I ask why?” 

 

“Well, most couples wait at least a year, and…”

 

“And is it because of Louis?” Adrian asked. 

 

Harry sighed internally, “No-”

 

“Yes it is. It’s about Louis. It’s always been about Louis,” Adrian said angrily. 

 

“Adrian that’s not-” 

 

“Harry don’t lie to me, please. Did you think that I wouldn’t notice that he called you twice the night of our engagement? Or that you’ve been holed up in our room listening to his message on repeat? I don’t get it, Harry. He broke up with  _ you _ .” 

 

“Adrian… It’s not about Louis. I just don’t want to rush into anything and I need to figure some stuff out…” 

 

“Right…” Adrian said slowly, “well when you figure your shit out, let me know,” and with that, Adrian stormed out of the room.

 

Harry sighed. That went about as well as he thought it would. He knew there was nothing he could say that would make Adrian believe it was about something else. And besides, he was right. It was about Louis. Everything would always come back to Louis.

 

As Harry went to bed that night, he replayed Louis’ message as he had done every night since Louis left the message…  _ I love you, Harry Styles.  _ “... and I love you.” Is what Harry would say back into the black void. 

 

***

 

Another week, another meeting, and no Louis... yet. 

 

Harry still went to AA meetings despite, not drinking, and despite the fact that Louis could walk in any minute. 

 

Well maybe not despite, as the main goal of going was so that he could potentially see Louis. Harry knew he could just pick up the phone and call or text, and not make himself suffer through the meetings, but some things were better said in person. 

 

Harry yawned as one person went on and on about his drunken charades, when the door opened. It finally happened, after a consecutive twelve weeks with no Louis showing, it finally happened… there he was, in all his glory.  

 

Louis, realized right away that Harry was there, freezing for a moment, before taking a seat across from him. 

 

Kieran, upon Louis’ entrance, got up, “You’re probably wondering why our old friend, Louis is here. I asked him to come in because he is a great example of what can happen with a little dedication and persistence. Louis has been clean for 9 months-” 

 

“And 13 days,” he added. 

 

“And I am incredibly proud of him,” Kieran gushed, making Harry wonder if there was anything between the two of them.

 

But Harry was surprised to hear that, considering all that had happened and knowing that Louis had the tendency to lose control.  He supposed he was proud of Louis, too. 

 

Throughout the rest of the meeting, Harry and Louis shifted uncomfortably in their seats, each of them becoming increasingly more aware of the other’s presence.  Harry couldn’t stop staring at Louis, and Louis noticed. 

 

“Do me a favor?” Louis scowled, as he got out of his chair to leave. 

 

“Louis, wait… can we talk? Please?”

 

“There’s nothing to talk about, Harry.” 

 

“Louis,” Harry pleaded, “please.” 

 

Louis sighed in defeat, he was never one to resist Harry. 

 

“I owe you an apology… A big one,” Harry started.

 

Louis looked at him as if to say  _ you think? _

 

“I… I don’t even know where to start…” 

 

“Why don’t you start with that fact that you’re getting married?” 

 

“Louis, I didn’t know he was going to propose…” 

 

“Well most people don’t… that is the point of a proposal… to be surprised. But there must have been some indication that he was going to propose, yeah?” 

 

“Louis… I haven’t even said that I loved him yet. When I say that it came out of the blue, it really came out of the blue.” 

 

“You haven’t told him you loved him? Why?” 

 

“Because I’m still in love with you, Lou!” 

 

“Harry… I- I can’t do  _ this _ .”

 

“What do you mean?” 

 

“I love you.” 

 

“And I love you, Louis. I don’t understand?” 

 

“It’s not enough Harry! I can’t do this- this back and forth. I never know where we stand with each other. It’s just not worth it…” 

 

“You mean I’m not worth it?” 

 

“Harry that’s not what I’m saying… You’re  _ engaged _ to someone, okay? Move on, so I can do the same. I can’t hold onto something that’s not going to happen. I don’t deserve that, and neither do you.” 

  
“Louis…”    
  
“Harry things will never be easy for us, don’t you get it? You deserve easy. And that’s something that Adrian can give you, but I can’t. I don’t know how to...” 

 

“Louis, please.” 

 

“Marry him, Harry. You deserve  _ him _ .” 

 

“Stop telling me what I do and do not deserve, Louis! I don’t care how hard things are with us, I want you!” 

 

“Then why didn’t you try to fight for us earlier on? Why did you just let things end… you didn’t even  _ try _ , Harry. You called me selfish, and told me that I used you. I did that for  _ us _ , and immediately you found someone else to warm your bed. So I’m sorry, I’ll stop telling you what you do and do not deserve, but  _ I _ didn’t deserve that.”

 

“Louis…” 

 

“I’m done, Harry. Okay? For good this time. I don’t want your I miss you’s, or your we should talk’s. It’s done. This is- whatever  _ this _ is, is done.” 

 

Louis walked away before Harry could say anything. He sat in his car trying to fight the tears that were coming. 

 

He didn’t understand. 

 

Didn’t understand why it had to be like this. Why it felt like this. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, right? This wasn’t what love was supposed to feel like. 

 

An ache and slow burn lit Louis’ insides up as he breathed in. It was the same feeling he had felt the entire time he was with Harry. A constant ache that followed him everywhere. But this ache had turned into a throbbing sort of feeling that made Louis want to rip his own heart out of his chest. 

 

Maybe this  _ was _ how it was supposed to be- Harry and Louis weren’t supposed to be together. 

 

Every single thing told Louis that it wasn’t supposed to be them in the end… and now Louis had made sure of it. 

 

***

 

“I’m sorry Adrian, for everything. Let’s do it. Let’s get married.”

  
  
  



	14. Chapter 14

Louis had been doing absolutely everything in his power to forget about Harry, and to do what he said he was going to do- which was move on.

 

In order to do this, he took it upon himself to help Niall plan his wedding in whatever way he could. 

 

“Okay, so for music… we’ve got a pianist for the actual ceremony, and then a dj for dinner and dancing. Does that sound alright?” Louis also had a special surprise of getting one of Louis’ favorite artists, Dean Lewis to play as well. 

 

“Yeah, Louis it all sounds great. I can’t thank you enough for doing all of this, seriously. You didn’t have to…” 

 

“I know, N. I wanted to… wanted to be able to support you in whatever way I could.”

 

“Well I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to repay you, but it’s taken loads of stress off Julia and I. I’m sure it’s going to be wonderful.” 

 

“What did you want to do about food? Was there a specific restaurant you wanted to cater from? The wedding is in two weeks, and I’m a little behind on that aspect…” 

 

“Nothing that I can think of… wait-” Niall paused, “you know that restaurant Maude? That’s where Julia and I had our first date, and if I can remember their food was pretty good.”

 

Louis knew what Maude was, but he couldn’t remember what the food was like, he just remembered Harry. 

 

“Hmm, yeah. I’m familiar with it… I’ll see what I can do…” 

 

“Look Louis, I’ve got to run. I have to meet up with Julia. Call if you have any other questions. And again… I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you…” 

 

“It’s fine, Niall. You don’t have to repay me for anything. I volunteered to do this,” Louis said, “now go, you don’t want to keep your bride to be waiting!” 

 

Niall give Louis one last look of gratitude before he was out the door. 

 

Louis sighed, he meant it when he said he’d do all that he could to help, but it turned out to be a lot more work than he thought. Louis checked the time, deciding that he had enough time to take a break. 

 

“Just because I’m going to a bar, doesn’t mean I’m going to drink…” Louis tried to convince himself. But as the saying goes, old habits die hard, and within the hour Louis was wasted. 

 

This time, however, he didn’t end up in the bed with some random stranger. Instead, he found himself occupying his bed that was big enough for two, realizing how alone he was. Maybe it was the alcohol or maybe it was all the pressure of pushing all his feelings down, but Louis felt the sudden urge to release everything he had been feeling. 

 

He let out a giant sob as everything that had happened to him came flooding back in- from his mom, to his sister, to Harry… to all the things that had destroyed him, to all the things he had tried to suppress. They just all came bubbling out. 

 

Everything he touched, he ruined… so, Louis thought about it, maybe it wasn’t those things that destroyed him, but it was him who destroyed them. 

 

And it was in this moment Louis vowed to never get close to anyone ever again.

 

***

 

“So we’re really doing this, yeah?” Adrian asked Harry in bed.

 

“Yes,” Harry leaned over to kiss him. Adrian smiled and Harry smiled back. Despite the things that had happened between him and Louis he was glad they reached a resolution. Harry had been holding onto Louis for too long that it made him blind to the person he had in front of him.

 

Adrian was wonderful, caring, he treated Harry really well, and that was just about all he could ask for. 

 

“Mmm, good,” Adrian mumbled in response, “I love you, Harry.” 

 

“I love you too, Adrian,” and Harry meant it. Fully this time, and without any doubts. 

 

“So how about some breakfast?” Adrian asked rolling out of bed, but Harry pulled him back in.

 

“I think breakfast can wait a little bit,” he said, grabbing Adrian and pulling him on top of him.

 

***

 

“I think you’ve successfully wasted my morning,” Adrian fake sighed. 

 

“Hey, I wouldn’t call it ‘wasted’,” Harry grinned. 

 

“Okay, Styles. Not wasted, but we  _ do _ have a wedding to plan…” 

 

Harry nodded, “I know, I know. Don’t worry, we have time…” 

 

They had decided that the summer wedding would actually be ideal, and Harry was grateful that it didn’t fall during Niall’s wedding, too. He was still debating on whether he should invite Louis, or if that would just be… too much. 

 

Harry tried to think about how he would feel if Louis was getting married, and he knew he would just tell himself that he was happy for him, but really he’d be crushed. Harry sighed, there was still time before invitations would be sent out, and he’d just have to cross that bridge when it happened. 

 

It was almost like Adrian was reading his mind when he asked, “Have you made a list of people you want to be there yet?” 

 

Harry shook his head, “No, but I’m working on it.” 

 

Adrian got out of bed, “Mine’s on the table so whenever you’re ready you can add your guests to it.” He yawned, and stretched out his body, “I’m going to shower, maybe you could have a cup of coffee ready when I get out?” Adrian winked.

 

“Sure thing, babe,” Harry responded, smiling. Harry made his way to the kitchen to get a brew going, while reading through Adrian’s list. A few people who knew was scattered in with a large group of names he didn’t know. Harry knew this was to be expected, he didn’t know Adrian’s friends or family that well. 

 

What drew his attention, however, was the name Elijah that had been crossed, un-crossed, and recrossed out, with a question mark next to it. Harry would have to ask who that was when Adrian was out of the shower. Maybe it was his own version of Louis. 

 

Harry heard Adrian’s phone ringing, followed by Adrian stepping out of the shower.

 

“Hello? Oh, hey…” Harry could only pick up bits and pieces of the conversation before Adrian moved to the bathroom again and closed the door shut behind him. 

 

“Adrian,” Harry started once Adrian was all dried off and dressed, “who’s Elijah?” 

 

Adrian’s face immediately began to flush at the mention of his name, just as he had one at the engagement party with that the other guy. 

 

“No one, just a friend…” Harry didn’t want to push the conversation because Adrian clearly didn’t want to talk about it, and they were finally in a good place. He didn’t want to ruin that… 

 

Harry nodded, brushing it off, but he couldn’t help but wonder if Adrian had an unresolved situation too. 

 

***

 

“I don’t even know if he’s coming, Louis,” Niall sighed. 

 

“You don’t need a date, it’s a little short notice for someone at this point anyways, considering the wedding is this weekend.” 

 

Louis had forgotten that Niall had invited Harry to the wedding as well, and wondered if he needed to bring a date, since he had assumed Harry would bring Adrian. 

 

Louis sighed, “yeah, you’re right. Everything is ready for this weekend though, I got Maude to cater, the musicians are ready to go…” 

 

“You are the best, you know that, right?” Niall asked.

 

Louis grinned sheepishly, “I mean… yeah. And don’t forget it.” Niall chuckled. 

 

“Honestly, Niall. Are you ready for this? It’s going to change your life.”

 

Niall nodded, “I know. But it’s going to change for the better. Julia… she just makes everything better. Everytime I’m without her, I just imagine how different the experience would be if she was with me, and every single time, I knew it would be twenty times better. I can’t even put into words how she makes me feel, it’s amazing.”

 

Louis nodded, a pang of jealousy hitting him. He could only hope that he’d feel that way about someone someday. 

 

Niall could sense this, and went over to him, giving him a hug. 

 

“You’ll find your person one day, Louis. I know you will. You deserve it more than anyone I know, okay?” 

  
Louis shook his head, no, to which Niall responded, “Yes you do, Louis! I know things have not been easy for you, but don’t give up, okay? Take it day by day…” 

 

Louis sighed, “I know, Niall. I’m trying.” 

 

“I know you are. C’mon, you deserve a break. Let’s go.” 

  
“Where are we going?”   
  


“To watch golf, Louis. Obviously. It’s the Masters.”

 

“I think I’d rather sulk,” Louis grumbled. 

  
“Oh come on,” Niall said, laughing, “it’s not that bad. Besides you need to get out of the house, yeah?” 

 

“Fine, but you’re paying for the food and drinks if I’m being forced to watch golf.” 

 

“Fine, fine. Fair enough, let’s go.” 

 

“Alright, give me a minute to grab some stuff, I’ll be out in a minute.” Just before Louis left the house, however, he sent Kieran a quick text asking if he was available this weekend. Louis didn’t care what Niall said, he wasn’t going to see Harry without someone with him.

 

***

 

“You’re going, right, Nick?” Harry asked, into the phone.

 

“Yes, Harry. Don’t worry.”

 

“Okay, because I don’t think I could handle seeing Louis, and Adrian has family stuff, so he can’t come either. And anyways, I feel like Niall only invited me because Louis and I were together.”

 

Nick scoffed, “not at all, Harry. He sees you as a friend too. He still brings up the time you told him their music was brilliant. He loves you, don’t worry. And I promise I’ll be with you the entire night so things aren’t weird, okay? It’s a wedding, Harry. We’ll have fun.”

 

Harry sighed, “you’re right. I’m sorry. What are you wearing, by the way?”

 

“I’m not sure yet. I think their colors are rose gold, gold, pink, and white, or something like that. I’ll probably just wear a white button up, and dress pants. I don’t think it matters too much, though.” 

 

“Okay, thank you. I’ll see you Saturday, then?” 

 

“Yes, I miss you, H. Let’s do something soon, yeah? If you’re not too busy with your husband to be?”

 

Harry frowned, feeling bad about neglecting Nick over these past months, when he had only ever been there for him. Especially since he didn’t get along with Adrian, Harry didn’t want it to seem like he was choosing Adrian over him.

 

“Of course. I’d love that. I’m sorry, Nick. Everything’s been so crazy…” 

 

“I know, H. That’s why I want to meet up. You deserve a break…” 

 

“Talk more at the wedding, yeah? I’ve got to go.” 

 

“Yeah, see you.” 

 

“See you,” Harry released a shaky breath after hanging up. He didn’t know what he was feeling… lonely perhaps, despite always being in the company of Adrian. He couldn’t place it... he just felt kind of empty.

 

And realizing that he’d been pushing Nick to the side made him really upset. Before Adrian, Harry didn’t have anyone in his life besides Nick, and Nick had been there for him through everything. Hell, he was the first person Harry had come out to.

 

Harry felt like shit...he didn’t even recognize himself anymore.

 

Harry quickly snapped back to reality as he heard the front door open, “Hey love, what are you doing?” 

 

“Just finishing my list,” Harry said, scribbling Louis’ name in last. 

 

***

 

“So sorry I couldn’t come with you, H. Pretty unfortunate that this friend stuff came up,” Adrian said, two days later, straightening his tie. “You look wonderful, though.” 

 

“Thank you, Adrian. And it’s okay, I understand.” Although he could’ve sworn Adrian had said it was a family situation that he had to attend to. Never mind that. Harry continued, “Anyways, Nick will be there so I won’t be alone.” Harry noticed Adrian frown a little. 

 

“And Louis?” He asked.

 

“He’ll be there too… he is Niall’s best friend,” Harry said, noticing Adrian’s frown deepen. 

 

“I love you,” Harry said, giving him a peck on the check. 

 

“See you tomorrow, yeah?”

 

“Yeah, I’ll probably crash at Nick’s. I don’t know how long the wedding will go,” Harry responded. 

 

“See you,” he said, kissing Adrian once more before leaving.

 

***

 

“Harry, you look great!”    
  


Harry smiled, Niall seemed to have that effect on everyone. He just automatically brightened your day. And it was just like him to compliment someone when it was his wedding.

 

“Thank you so much, Niall. You look great, yourself. And congratulations. This is huge,” Harry responded, before feeling someone’s hand on his shoulder. 

 

“Congratulations, Niall. So many things to be happy about,” Nick said, chiming in.

 

“Thank you both for being here. Go on in, dinner will be ready shortly. I can’t remember where Louis sat you two, though…” Niall trailed off. 

 

“It’s okay,” Nick butted in, “I’m sure we can find our spots. We don’t want to hog you anyways.”

 

Niall laughed, “I don’t mind. I don’t know half the people here. But yes, I’ll talk to you later, okay?” and with that, Niall was off to greet other guests.

 

“Well that was, pleasant,” Harry said about the ceremony as he and Nick searched for their dinner tables. 

 

“Short and sweet, yeah,” Nick agreed, while gesturing to the table near the middle of the floor, “here we are.” 

 

“Do you want anything to drink?” Nick asked, setting his jacket on the back of the chair. 

 

“Water, please, thanks.”    
  


Harry sat awkwardly as Nick grabbed their drinks, stopping to talk to every other person. Harry looked around nervously before he spotted him, standing off in the corner. 

 

Harry’s heart skipped a beat at the sight of Louis. He was… just as beautiful as he remembered. Harry’s gaze continued to linger, when Nick came back.

 

He followed where Harry was looking, and sighed. 

  
“Harry..” 

 

“I know, Nick. I know. I can’t help it,” Harry’s eyes fluttered back up to where Louis was to see him walking towards him.

 

“Wait, shit! he’s coming over here...What do I do?” Harry started to panic. 

 

“Maybe start with, hello,” Nick said before saying, “I’ll leave you two be.” 

 

“No! Nick are you serious, you can’t leave me here.” 

 

“Actually, I hear the bar calling my name… Hear that? It’s saying ‘Nick, Nick, Nick’...” He laughed.

 

“I hate you, Nick Grimshaw.” 

 

“I can’t hear you over the bar calling my name… You got this Styles,” he reassured him before leaving. 

 

***

 

Louis was preparing all day for what he would do when he saw Harry, but nothing prepared him for this. Harry looked flawless (as usual) wearing his light pink shirt, three buttons left open exposing his chest, his cross necklace hanging delicately around his neck. His hair slightly longer and curlier than Louis remembered.

 

Louis wanted to go over to him, but maybe it was still too early for them to interact. The wounds were still so fresh. 

 

“I’m going to run to the bathroom, okay?” Kieran said, interrupting Louis’ internal turmoil. 

 

“Yeah, okay.” Kieran left Louis standing alone, wondering if Harry would notice him.

 

As if they could read each other’s minds, Louis could feel Harry’s attention drawn to him. Louis shifted uncomfortably and decided that it wasn’t worth it to have things be awkward between them, especially since Harry was getting married. Louis really did want Harry to still be in his life, even just as a friend. 

 

Soon he found himself walking over to where Harry sat, as he watched Nick leave the table.

 

“Hello,” Louis said, “mind if I sit?” 

 

Harry nodded slowly, unsure. “Yeah, of course.” 

 

“So-”

 

“So-” they said at the same time, chuckling. 

 

“I-” Louis sighed, “I’m sorry.”

 

“Louis, let’s not do this. You have nothing to apologize for. All of the stuff that’s happened between us is in the past, okay?” 

 

“Okay,” Louis agreed, firmly. 

 

“So, how are things with Adrian?” he asked, trying to be polite. 

 

“Things are good, yeah. We have a date and everything set for our wedding, I hope you’ll be there?” Harry asked, raising a brow. 

 

“I mean, if I can make it I will…” Louis trailed off. The two sat in silence before Kieran showed up and saved the day. 

 

“Oh hey, Harry. I didn’t know you were friends with Niall…” 

 

“Yeah, we have a mutual friend…” 

 

“Besides Louis,” he added. He looked between the two of them, realizing that what he was thinking during the last AA meeting was in fact, correct. He was glad Louis was moving on, though, even if it was with Kieran who would flirt with anyone with a dick. 

 

“Well, it’s great seeing you,” he turned to Louis, “want to dance?” Louis got up, and gave a little wave goodbye, before joining Kieran on the dance floor. Harry felt a pang of jealousy and sadness when he remembered a time, not so long ago, when Louis had refused to dance with him. 

 

Harry sat there watching the two of them, when Nick finally came back.

 

“So…?” He asked.

 

“It was… fine,” Harry said, trying to find a word that accurately described the encounter that just took place. 

 

“Civil?” he said, “kind of weird.” 

 

“Well, you probably could’ve expected that… I would’ve been more surprised if it wasn’t awkward,” Nick said. Harry nodded in agreement as the lights in the room dimmed, the music turned down, and Louis made his way the the front of the room. 

 

“Alright, can I have your attention please?” he asked. “Ahem,” he said a couple seconds later, more forcefully. The chatter in the room died down as everyone turned their attention towards him. 

 

“Thank you.. So I guess it’s that time where I’m supposed to say my speech. Uh.” Louis started. “I had it all planned out. I had all of my embarrassing stories of him ready to go, but I decided that it would take too long to go through all of them,” the crowd chuckled. “I will, however, share one of my favorite memories of Niall. I even have a video to go with it.” 

 

Niall groaned in the background, to which Louis responded. “I warned you, mate. You knew this was coming.” 

 

Across the screen, an old interview of Niall and his band was being shown. Harry remembered this moment, too. Niall had seeked support from a mic stand,  but it was unsteady, and so it was a video of him just falling to the ground. 

 

“Oh no, Niall!” Louis commented. The guests laughed along with him and Niall, who was blushing profusely. The screen went dark a few seconds later and Louis continued his speech.

 

“Now that I’ve fully embarrassed him, I want to get serious. Niall has been my best mate for as long as I can remember and has always been there for me. And Julia, I’ve only known you a short amount of time, but I have no doubts in my mind that you two were meant to be together. The way Niall talks about you- it’s something I can only hope to have one day,” he paused,    
  
“I’m so glad to have experienced the love and support that I have from him, and I feel nothing but happiness to know that someone else will get to experience it too. Everyone here can agree that Niall is the most selfless person.

 

I remember too many times to count when Niall was there to support me- whether it was for a football match, or for literal support holding me up when I had too much to drink.” 

 

Niall could be heard chuckling, saying, “I lost track of how many times I had to do that.”    
  
Louis shot him a glare, “Shh I’m supposed to be embarrassing you, not the other way around.” Everyone laughed. 

 

“Anyways…” Louis continued, “I wish you two nothing but love and happiness for the years to come. Congratulations!” 

 

“Oh, and one more thing. I just want to thank Julia from saving me from a lifetime of watching golf.” 

 

Louis finished, the rest of the guests laughing and clapping. Louis walked over to where Niall was and gave him a giant hug. 

 

“And now, as a surprise we’ve got Dean Lewis here to play us a few songs.” Louis said. The guests sat their in anticipation, but no one came out.

 

Louis looked around, until someone came running over to him, looking frantic. 

 

“Alright, it seems he’s running late, so just give us a minute.” 

 

“Hey you should play something,” Nick nudged Harry with his leg. 

 

Harry looked at him surprised, “you know I haven’t played in forever, I don’t think-” but before Harry could finish, Nick was already up and talking to Louis, who had turned to look at Harry. 

 

“Please?” Louis mouthed, to which Harry shook his head no.

 

Louis looked at him for a few seconds more, his frown turning to a smile when Harry got out of his seat.

 

Louis got back in front of the microphone saying, “we have a change in plans. Our good friend, Harry Styles will play something for us now…” 

 

“Who?” Harry could hear the crowd muttering. Niall’s face had a look of surprise on it, too. Nick had already grabbed a chair and the guitar they had for Dean awaiting him at the front. 

 

“I’m going to kill you,” Harry whispered to him. Nick chuckled, “maybe you’ll thank me. You’ll do great.” 

 

Harry sighed, pulling the guitar strap over his head- it rested snugly on his shoulder. 

 

Harry coughed into the microphone, “ahem. Well, uh, hi, I’m Harry,” he stuttered, “and this is a song I wrote a while ago about someone,” he looked at Louis, “but I guess it’s pretty fitting for today. 

 

This is a song about the ups and downs of love, but in the end always having a place to call home. This is, Sweet Creature,” Harry finished, strumming the first few chords.

 

Louis was in the back, holding his breath as Harry sang the first couple of lines…

 

_ Sweet Creature,  _

_ had another talk about  _

_ where it’s going wrong _

_ But we’re still young… _

 

Harry’s voice was carried through the room, strong yet intimate as if he was singing to you directly. 

 

_ We don’t know where we’re going  _

_ But we know where we belong… _

_ And oh, we started  _

_ Two hearts in one home. _

 

_ I know it’s hard when we argue, _

_ We’re both stubborn _

_ I know, but oh _

 

Louis shivered as Harry’s husky and warm vocals filled Louis’ insides. Harry told him he played the guitar but didn’t mention that he sang also. 

 

_ Sweet creature, sweet creature _

_ Wherever I go, _

_ You bring me home… _

 

Harry finished his song, and for a moment everyone just sat there in silence, letting his voice settle around them. But soon enough, everyone started clapping and whistling. Niall was wiping some tears from his eyes, and gave Harry a big hug.

 

“Harry I didn't know you could sing like that!” Louis heard him say. 

 

Louis was surprised too, wondering why Harry had never shared this talent with him.

 

Harry smiled sheepishly, “Yeah, I don’t usually share my music with people.”    
  
“Well, you sounded amazing, and that song…” Niall said, gushing. Harry’s heart swelled at the acknowledgement of one of his favorite artists. 

 

“I’ll take my thank you now,” Nick said, smiling after Niall had sat back down. 

 

“Oh shut up,” Harry said, punching him playfully in the arm. 

 

“You really did sound great, though. And that song… where did that come from?” 

 

Harry shrugged, “I wrote it awhile ago…” He trailed off, looking at Louis. 

 

“Harry,” Nick said quietly, “I think you have some re-thinking to do with Adrian… I don’t want you to do something you’ll regret…” he said, Harry knowing exactly what he meant. 

 

Harry could try to deny it all he wanted to. Say that he was over Louis, but it wasn’t true. Harry loved Louis, and even with him loving Adrian, it wasn’t enough. He couldn’t share his heart with two people, and he wanted Louis to be the one who had it. 

 

“Should I?” 

 

“Yes, go now,” Nick ushered him out of the room. 

 

Louis watched Harry leave, wondering where he was going and why he was leaving so early. He felt sad that he couldn’t talk to Harry and tell him how proud he was of him...he didn’t even know if he had a place to say those things to Harry anymore. 

 

But Harry had made it easy for him, leaving so he didn’t need to decide. 

 

Harry left feeling almost happy knowing what he was about to do; he had to break up with Adrian. There was something freeing about this sudden realization- he finally knew where his heart lied. 

  
  



	15. Chapter 15

Inside their house, the lights were dark, Harry figuring that Adrian was already in bed. 

 

And indeed he was, just not alone.

 

“Adrian?” Harry said softly, into the room. 

 

“Huh?” Adrian shot up, frantic just before someone next to him popped up as well. 

 

Harry’s eyes widened.

 

“Harry,” Adrian said, “I- I thought you were gone until tomorrow…”

 

Harry stood their for what seemed like hours, making sense of what was happening. At the same time, Harry’s eyes were adjusting to the dark, and he realized he knew the person in his bed. It was the same guy from the party…

 

“Elijah,” Adrian said to him, “you need to leave.” 

 

Elijah jumped out of bed, panic-stricken as he grabbed for his clothes that were scattered around the floor. Elijah looked at him his face full of guilt, before he ran out the door not saying a word.

 

“Harry,” Adrian started, “I can explain…” 

 

“No need. Get out,” Harry said, his voice trembling. 

 

“Harry, please,” Adrian said desperately. 

 

“Get. Out.” Harry repeated. 

 

Adrian figured there was no way he’d be able to change Harry’s mind right now, so he gave a defeated sigh and got up, putting on his clothes. On the way out, he gave Harry one final pitying look.

 

“I’m sorry.” 

 

Harry refused to look at him, and didn’t move until he heard the door shut. Harry’s heart was pounding as he angrily wiped away the tears that were falling. He had no reason to cry, he was about to break up with Adrian anyways, but still. There was a huge part of Harry that  _ did _ love Adrian, even if he loved Louis more.

 

And getting cheated on, now there was no worse pain than that. It gave the suggestion that Harry wasn’t good enough, couldn’t give Adrian what he needed. Even though he did nothing but love him, Adrian proved to him that sometimes love simply wasn’t enough.

 

“It’s not enough, Harry!” is what Louis had told him too, when he said he loved him.

 

So now Harry was left wondering, that despite his sure feelings for Louis, if Louis felt the same, or if he’d be left with nothing in the end. 

 

***

 

Harry hadn’t slept well at all, the only thing running through his mind was, “it’s not enough.” He had about a thousand missed calls from Adrian, and a hundred missed calls from Nick. It was two o’clock in the afternoon, and Harry had decided that he wasn’t getting up for anything.

 

Unfortunately for him, it was just minutes later when he heard a loud banging on the door. Harry groaned, rolled over, and pulled the pillow over his head. If it was Adrian, he could just grab the key that was in the plant outside the door, and if it was anyone else, well hopefully they’d take the hint. But the banging continued.

 

“Harry Styles, if you’re in there, I swear to God I’m going to kill you,” Nick said, still pounding on the door. Harry grumbled some more, but rolled out of bed, walking slowly towards the door. 

 

“I’m not here,” he said, calling out.

 

“Harry open this goddamn door,” Nick yelled. 

 

“Relax, I’m opening it,” Harry said, clicking the lock to the left, and opening the door. 

 

“What do you want?”    
  
“You look like shit, Harry,” Nick observed, immediately. 

 

“Thanks,” Harry snapped.

 

“Did it go that badly?” 

 

“Better, if you ask me,” Harry said mildly, “it’s a lot easier to break up with someone when they’ve been cheating on you.” 

 

“Wait, what?!” Nick’s head sprang back as if he had been punched.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“What do you think I mean?” Harry flared up, then sighed, “Sorry…”

 

“No, no it’s okay. I, uh, will accept the attitude,” Nick said, finally walking into the apartment. 

 

“So what happened?” he asked, more quietly. 

 

“Well I got back last night, you know, ready to end it all, and I found them in bed together… and I kicked him out,” Harry said.

 

“Did you know the guy?” 

 

“Yeah, yeah you do too. It was that guy from the party.”

 

Nick made a face, “well he’s certainly a downgrade from you.”   
  
Harry knew Nick was just trying to make him feel better, but he didn’t think anything could cheer him up now. Harry managed a half smile, though, for his sake, but he couldn’t prevent the tears from forming.

 

“Oh Harry,” Nick said, sadly, giving him a hug, “I’m so sorry…” the two of them sat there, with Nick holding Harry in his arms. They stayed that way for several minutes. 

 

“Harry,” Nick said after some time, “look at me.” 

 

Harry raised his head. 

 

“You are going to be okay. I don’t know how much you’re hurting right now, I can’t even imagine it but you’ll get through this.”

 

Harry exhaled, nodding. “I just think, I need some time away, yeah? Maybe go visit my mom finally.”

 

“I think that’d be a good idea. Turn off your phone for awhile, and just give some time to yourself.” 

  
“Thank you, Nick. For always being here for me.”    
  
“What else are friends for, Harry?” Nick said, giving him one more hug.

 

“And if I see that son of a bitch…” Nick muttered.

 

Harry laughed at that. Nick was a lot like Louis, all bark, no bite. “Don’t worry I have no intentions of interacting with him ever again. So you don’t have to worry about seeing him.” 

 

Nick turned to him once more, “But seriously, H. Take care of yourself. Do what you have to do- no one will blame you for taking some time away.”

 

Harry smiled, “maybe I’ll start writing again.” 

 

Nick smiled too, “please do. Then I can have both of my best friends on the radio.” 

 

After Nick had left, Harry packed a bag, grabbed his guitar, got into his car, and drove off leaving LA in the dust.

 

***

 

“Oh, Harry!” Harry’s mom, Anne, squealed, running to give him a hug.

 

“My baby, how are you?” she asked, checking him up and down to make sure he was okay. Physically, he was fine, it was emotionally where the damage would be found.

 

“I’m good, ma. I’ve missed you so much,” Harry said smiling, although this reunion was a bit bitter sweet. 

 

“You’re so tall, and you’re hair!” she said excitedly, “it’s so long. You get those curls from me,” she winked. “I can’t believe you’re here, we’re only a five hour drive from L.A and this is the first time you’ve visited us in a year,” she scolded.

 

“I know, I know I’m so sorry. What can I do to make it up to you?” Harry asked, genuinely. Although he knew nothing could really makeup for his absence. 

 

“Hmm, how about you put down those bags, and play me something,” she said, smiling. 

 

Harry grinned, and pulled out his guitar. 

 

“I don’t have any new music… haven’t felt inspired in quite some time,” he said. Anne shushed him and told him she would enjoy anything, even twinkle, twinkle little star, if she got to hear him play. 

 

“Do you think that low of me, that I’d play twinkle, twinkle little star?” Harry acted offended. 

 

“This one is relatively new,” he said, playing those familiar chords he had just strung a day ago. Again, he started the song, his voice filling the room. 

 

By the time he was finished, Anne had tears in her eyes. 

 

“That’s just beautiful, Harry. About anyone in particular?” She asked raising a brow.

 

“Is it about Adrian?” 

 

Harry almost wanted to laugh, if it didn’t hurt so much. “Oh, no…” 

 

“About that…” he continued.

 

“What happened?” she asked. 

 

Harry sighed and went through the whole situation again, at least this time he managed to do so without crying. 

 

“Oh my love,” Anne said, wrapping him in a hug, much like Nick did. 

 

“You’re just one heartbreak closer to finding your love. You  _ will _ find someone and they’ll make you feel like you’ve never loved anyone before them. It will happen. I know it because you are incredible.” 

 

Harry sniffled, “I think I have found him, mom. But I think it’s too late for us.” 

 

“Oh Harry,” she said, “it’s never too late for love.” 

  
  


***

 

It’s been two years since Louis’ mom passed away. As he had done the previous year, Louis bought daisies (his mother’s favorite), but also had a dozen of roses accompanying them this time-for his sister. Louis set them in a vase on his table. He then grabbed a glass from the shelf, pouring whiskey into it. 

 

Louis was sad. So he drank.

 

An hour later Louis sat down at his kitchen table, clasping his hands, and rested his forehead on the table.

 

“Hey mom… and Fizzy, I guess, if you’re listening. It’s been awhile since I talked to you… I-” Louis choked back tears. “I miss you so much. I don’t know what to do…” 

 

His tears started to drip down his face, hitting the table.

 

“I feel so so lost. I don’t know who I am anymore…I wish you were here to help me. I feel... alone, like I don’t have anyone.

I’m sorry- for letting you down. For not making something better of myself. All I do is drink and complain, it’s no wonder why I haven’t got anyone. Even Niall has someone now, and he’s going to forget all about me.” Louis stumbled through the words.

 

“I’m so sorry. It’s not fair that you were the ones to go and I just… am wasting away. You deserve to be here instead of me. I- I wish they took me instead.” 

 

***

 

“What is going on?” Niall asked. “I haven’t heard from Louis in a week.” 

 

“Harry’s MIA as well, but I know why,” Nick responded. 

 

Niall cocked an eyebrow.

 

“He’s just taking some time to himself…” Niall looked at him to continue.

 

“If I tell you something will you promise you won’t say anything to Louis?” Nick asked.

 

Niall nodded, intrigued. 

 

“Harry and Adrian aren’t getting married.” 

 

“Wait, what?!” Niall exclaimed. “No way… what happened?”

 

“Well, Adrian was cheating on him and Harry’s still in love with Louis.” 

 

“They’re both fucking idiots, aren’t they?” Niall said, laughing.

 

“Okay wait no, this isn’t funny and I feel really bad for Harry, I do. But c’mon they are meant to be with each other and they’re both too blind to see it.” 

 

Nick sighed, “yeah, I know. But they’re adults, they can figure it out for themselves. I just wish they’d figure it out faster, so they both would stop being so unhappy.” 

 

***

 

“Louis William Tomlinson, I know you’re here, and if you haven’t showered within the past two days, I will punch you.” 

 

“Niall would you pipe down, my head is throbbing, and your yelling is not helping!” Louis called out from his bedroom. 

 

“Louis…” Niall was left speechless as he entered the room. There were at least ten bottles of alcohol littered around his room.

 

“So this is what you’ve been doing while I’ve been away?” 

 

“Save me the lecture, Neil,” Louis cut him off before he could go too far. 

 

“I just wasn’t in the mood to be sober… I’m not dead am I?”   
  
“No, but you could be.” 

 

“Niall it’s not that-”

 

“Louis!” Niall said angrily, “you’re acting like a child. This is so irresponsible. And I know you don’t have any other things to commit to, you know not having a job it anything but- you need to be able to take care of yourself, I have my own life and I can’t keep track of you forever.” 

 

Louis was taken aback, he had never seen Niall actually angry.

 

“Niall… I’m fine…” Louis said quietly.

 

“You can’t keep doing this. One day I’m not going to be there for you, and what are you going to do about it?  _ You don’t have anyone else.”  _

 

“Yeah, I got that,” Louis snapped back. “I got it the first time you said it too.”

 

“Louis,” Niall said, defeated, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. You know I worry about you.”

 

“I know, and I’m telling you, you don’t have to. I’m fine…”

 

“Louis, the amount of times we’ve had this same exact conversation over the past year is too many times. I don’t know what I can do to fix this… to fix you.” 

 

“I don’t need to be  _ fixed _ , Niall,” Louis spat. “This is me,” he extended his arms to the side. 

 

“This has always been me, Niall. And you know that… you know...” Louis choked back a sob.

  
“...that there’s not much more to me than what you have in front of you. If I had to describe myself in three words right now, I couldn’t do it.”

 

“Louis…” Niall tried to interrupt.

 

“No.. no, don’t ‘Louis’ me. You know it’s the truth. I have nothing,” then more quietly, “I am  _ nothing _ .”

  
  


***

 

Harry was writing… writing a  _ lot _ of new music. Harry picked up his pencil and scratched out a word, “If I could fly, I’d be coming right back home to… you,” Harry sang, smiling. “That’s it,” he said, content with the things he’d done. 

 

“How’s it coming, baby,” Anne drew her arm around Harry’s shoulders, handing him a mug of tea. 

 

“It’s coming…” Harry sighed, “But I can’t stop thinking about him, mom.” 

 

Anne smiled, “Why don’t you just talk to him? Relationships are all about communication, my love. You need to get whatever you want to say off your chest, and maybe things won’t seem so heavy anymore.” 

 

“But what if he doesn’t feel the same?”

 

“Then he doesn’t feel the same… and it’ll give you time to heal, and move on. But wouldn’t you rather take a chance and get it all out there? You have nothing to lose at this point, Harry. Trust your heart… trust love.” 

 

So Harry listened to his mom, and followed his heart back to Louis. 

  
  



	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING
> 
> *Suicide attempt/ conversation about suicide

Louis awoke to the sound of someone knocking on his door for the second time that day. He wished people would just  leave him alone. Maybe he should’ve put up a big “do not disturb sign” on his door.

 

“Niall, please, I don’t want to talk right now,” he said, still upset. The knocking continued, however. 

 

“Niall,” Louis groaned, getting up. 

 

“This better be good,” he mumbled unlocking the door, only to be met with Harry. 

 

“Harry-”

 

“Louis… hi.” 

 

“Uh what are you doing here?” Louis asked, quickly wiping away the tears that still remained. 

 

“I- are you okay?” Harry asked, concerned. One look at Louis, and Harry’s heart had shattered. His hair was tousled, his shirt wrinkled, and his eyes… his eyes were red and glazed over with tears ready to spill at any moment.

 

“Yeah, I-” But then the tears came, and they didn’t stop. 

 

“Oh, Lou,” Harry said. Louis couldn’t lie, and everything that he had been feeling came out like a wave. Harry didn’t say anything as Louis crashed into him. He just took Louis into his arms, as Louis had done for him however long ago it was. 

 

“Talk to me, Louis,” Harry said quietly, running his hands through Louis’ hair. 

 

But Louis didn’t know where to begin… maybe with the fact that he hated himself? Or that he hated Harry? Hated Harry because he couldn't be with him. Hated Harry because he was here, now, and had to see him like this. He hated Harry the most, however, because he made Louis fall in love with him.

 

“I hate you,” Louis said bluntly, stepping out of Harry’s arms.

 

Harry did the same, surprised “what?” 

 

“I hate you,” and with that, Louis shut the door in Harry’s face. 

 

Harry stood there in a stunned silence left wondering what the fuck just happened.

 

***

 

“Harry! I’ve missed you.”

 

“I’ve missed you too, Nick. It was so good to get away, but I kind of wish I hadn’t come back…” 

 

Nick frowned, “why’s that?”

 

“I went to see Louis… and he told me he hated me, and slammed the door in my face.” 

 

“What? Did you tell him that you broke off the engagement?” 

 

“Never got the chance,” Harry sighed. 

 

“Louis’ been having a really hard time, H…”

 

“What do you mean?” 

 

“Niall’s just been telling me about how he’s been drinking a lot, and isn’t motivated to do anything. It was just the anniversary of his mother’s death and I think that really opened up a few scars. I don’t think you should take what happened too personally right now.” 

 

“I feel so badly, Nick. I wish things didn’t turn out like this…” 

 

“I know, but sometimes the world has a mysterious way of working.” 

 

Harry didn’t believe that it was the world that was doing this. The world didn’t have any power, it was up to the individual and the choices they made, that caused the effect. 

 

“Maybe this will cheer you up,” Nick interrupted his thoughts. “I have something for you. Well actually, it’s from Niall and I…”

 

Harry looked at him, surprised. 

 

“It’s a thank you from Niall for playing at the wedding, and from me because I support you.” 

Harry couldn’t possibly imagine what it might be.

 

“We got you studio time to help you work on and produce your music.”

 

Harry gasped, “Nick, you didn’t!” 

 

Nick smiled sheepishly, “Niall sees something in you, and you know I always have. I-” Harry gave him a huge hug before he could finish.

 

“Thank you so much, Nick. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to repay you for this…” 

 

“Not necessary, H. Just make a great record so I can play it on the radio, and that’d be repayment enough,” Nick smiled. “Your first session is tomorrow morning, so hopefully you have something good!”

 

For the rest of the day, Harry twitched with anticipation for his session the following day. He kept tweaking and re-writing parts of his songs before he was hit with the realization that every single song was about Louis. 

 

He was present in every word, every line, every bridge, every verse. 

 

***

 

“Harry, so great to meet you. I’ve heard a lot of good things about you from Niall. It’s Julian,” he said extending his hand for Harry to shake. 

 

“We’ve got some musicians here to back you. And thank you for sending me some of your music last night, giving them a chance to look over it...I was really intrigued with ‘For Your Eyes Only’, so maybe we could start with that one?” 

 

Harry nodded, and took a seat in front of the microphone. Behind him the musicians started to tune, and then immediately went into the opening melody. 

 

“ _ If I could fly,”  _ Harry started to sing

 

“ _ I’d be coming right back home to you, _

_ I think I might, give up everything  _

_ Just ask me to… _

 

_ Pay attention I hope that you listen, _

_ ‘Cause I let my guard down. _

_ Right now I’m completely defenseless…” _

 

Harry’s voice broke, and Julian signaled for the musicians to stop. 

 

“You okay, Harry? You’re sounding great.”

 

Harry nodded, trying to steady his breathing, “Yeah, I’m good.”

 

Julian nodded, “start again from ‘right now I’m completely defenseless?” 

 

Harry gave him a thumbs up, and the musicians started playing again. 

 

“ _ Right now I’m completely defenseless… _

 

_ For your eyes only _

_ I’ll show you my heart _

_ For when you’re lonely  _

_ And forget who you are… _

 

_ I’m missing half of me _

_ When we’re apart. _

 

_ Now you know me, _

_ for your eyes only…” _

 

Harry paused a moment, taking a deep breath.

 

_ “I can feel your heart inside of mine _

_ I’ve been going out of my mind _

 

_ Know that i’m just wasting time _

_ And I… hope that you don’t run from me...” _

 

Harry stifled back a sob, but continued.

 

“ _ For your eyes only _

_ I show you my heart. _

 

_ For when you’re lonely  _

_ And forget who you are… _

 

_ I’m missing half of me _

_ when we’re apart  _

 

_ Now you know me..  _

_ For your eyes only.”  _

 

***

 

“I’m sorry,” Louis sobbed, into the darkness. “I’m so sorry, for everything.” 

 

***

 

Harry’s phone was ringing off the hook, but he was too busy writing to answer. Julian was left speechless after Harry had finished the song, but asked if he could add another verse. “It just needs… more. It’s such a beautiful song and I’d love for there to be another verse,” he had said. Harry was struggling to do that, and with his phone constantly ringing, it was not coming easily.

 

After the 100th ring, Harry finally picked up, “Nick what do you need?” 

 

“Harry! Finally! It’s Louis…” Nick said, and Harry’s heart immediately began pounding.

 

“What’s up?”   
  


“He’s in the hospital, you need to get here,” Nick said urgently. 

 

“Nick what’s happening?” Harry asked frantically, when he finally got to the hospital.

 

Nick looked at him sadly, “Louis tried to kill himself, Harry.” 

 

Harry froze up, unaware of his surroundings and what was happening as Nick directed him through the hospital. Niall was there too, pacing outside of a room. 

 

“Niall?” Harry asked, as Niall walked over to give him a hug, it was clear that he had been crying.

 

“What happened?!”

 

Niall wiped a tear away, “I went over there yesterday, and we got into a stupid argument. I felt really bad so I went back over today to apologize, and he wouldn’t open his door, and the security guard at the front of the neighborhood said that he hadn’t seen Louis leave in a couple of days so I knew he was still there and was probably just ignoring me, and…”

 

“Take a deep breath, Niall,” Nick said.

Niall breathed in and continued, “He leaves a key under his mat in the side door, so I used that to get in. I went into his bedroom and I…” Niall took another shaky breath.

 

“I thought he was sleeping, but when I tried to wake him up, he just didn’t wake up…I couldn’t tell if he was breathing or not. I-”

 

Niall started to cry again, “Is this my fault?” 

 

Nick and Harry both encircled him in a hug.

 

“Niall, this isn’t your fault, at all. Don’t think that. It’s not your fault…” Harry and Nick repeated this simultaneously, when a nurse came out.

 

“He’s awake.” 

 

***

 

Louis couldn’t take it anymore.  He couldn’t handle the loss of his mother, his sister, Harry, any of it. He pushed away his family- he hadn’t talked to them in months. He pushed away Niall, and he pushed away Harry.

 

He knew what it felt like to be alone, but now… he had never felt an absence so strong. At least before, he had some of himself to keep him company. But now, he didn’t even have that. He didn’t know who he was anymore; he couldn’t find himself if he looked in a mirror. 

 

Maybe Louis had never known who he was. Maybe that’s why he never had anyone. How were you supposed to get to know someone if you didn’t know yourself? 

 

It would just be easier, he had thought, if he wasn’t there. He wouldn’t have to have people worry about him anymore, not that anyone would miss him anyways. 

 

Louis wondered what death would feel like. Would it be like a black hole just swallowing him up? Would he even know that he was dead? Would he see his sister? His mother? Would he… the thoughts kept coming as he swallowed a handful of pills.

 

_ I’m sorry… I’m so sorry. _

 

***

 

Louis awoke to bright lights… did he do it? Was he in heaven? He looked around and sighed. He didn’t suppose heaven was a place that looked strangely identical to a hospital room. And for someone who hated hospitals, Louis had been in one an awful lot over the past year. 

 

At that moment a nurse walked in, noticing he was awake. Louis tried to sit up but realized his hands had been secured to the side. The nurse looked at him apologetically, “Sorry, Louis. But you’re on suicide watch...You have some friends here. Should I let them in?” 

 

She said friends, plural, but Louis figured it was only Niall so he agreed. 

 

“Louis,” Niall came in, eyes red and filled with regret. 

 

“Niall...” Louis didn’t think about what would happen if it hadn’t worked, if he hadn’t killed himself and he wasn’t prepared for this. 

 

“I’m sorry, Louis.” 

 

And Louis almost wished it had work so he didn’t have to see this. So he wouldn’t have to see Niall apologize and blame himself, for something that was Louis’ choice. And it was his choice, so now he’d have to live with consequences of it. 

 

“Niall, I-” Louis didn’t know where to start. What do you say to your best friend to make them understand? How do you tell them that you don’t want to be alive anymore? 

 

“This… this isn’t your fault…” 

 

Niall shook his head, “that’s what they keep telling me, but I can’t help but feel like it is. Louis I don’t ever want you to feel like I won’t be there for you… What I said- wasn’t fair. I should’ve been more conscientious and empathetic to what you’ve been through. I’m sorry, for not being a good friend.” 

 

“Niall, you’re the best friend a person could ask for. This wasn’t your fault. What I chose to do, wasn’t in spite of you. It had nothing to do with you… It was…” and Louis remembered what he had said all those years ago, “It wasn’t anyways fault. This… this was all me.” 

 

***

 

“So… how is he?” Harry asked, when Niall came back into the hall.

 

“He’s… he’ll be okay,” he responded. 

 

“Harry, I know you want to see him, but…” Niall’s voice trailed off, remembering what Louis had told him just minutes ago.

 

“Harry’s here..” Niall had said.

 

“What? Why?” 

 

“I asked him to. He loves you, you know,” Niall responded.

 

Louis made a sour face, “No, no- he’s engaged.”   
  


“No. He’s not Louis,”

 

Louis looked at him shocked, but then thought about Harry showing up at his house.

 

“Oh my god… that’s why he was at my house. And I just… slammed the door in his face. I told him I hated him, I- I can’t see him Niall. Not now, not like this.” 

 

So Niall obliged. 

 

Harry sighed, “I figured he wouldn’t want to see me… I don’t blame him.”

 

“I’m sorry, H. Just give him some time, he’ll come around.” 

 

Harry nodded, “I know he will… and I can wait.” 

 

***

 

Luckily for Harry, he only had to wait a couple of days. 

 

“Lou! Hi…” Harry said over the phone.

 

“Hi, Harry,” Louis responded quietly, “can you come over?” 

 

Harry didn’t need to hear anything else, and was at Louis’ in no time… in fact, he was early. 

 

Harry couldn’t remember the last time he was at Louis’, but upon stepping into the foyer, the memories from that first night together came flooding back.

 

“In here, Harry,” Louis called from a room to his right, which he’d never been in before. 

 

Harry gasped when he walked in. The room was covered with floor to ceiling windows with a couch, love seat, and table placed in the middle. Louis was sitting on the couch looking out the windows. 

 

“It’s beautiful isn’t it?” Louis asked after some time, gesturing outside. The sun shone brightly outside with, there was a small pond with a duck floating gently across it. 

 

“Like a heaven on earth…” Louis said quietly. 

 

“My mom and I would just sit here for hours- sometimes we wouldn’t even talk. We’d just bask in the sun…” Louis finally turned to look at Harry, the corners of his eyes glistening. 

 

“Oh, Louis,” Harry moved to sit next to him. 

 

There was so much both wanted to say to the other, but instead of getting right into it, they just sat there in a comfortable silence. 

 

“I bet you want to know why,” Louis finally spoke.

 

“Huh?” Harry asked, confused. 

 

“Why I wanted to kill myself…” 

 

Of course Harry did, but he wouldn’t have been that upfront about it. But it didn’t make sense to him that someone so beautiful and full of life would want to die… Harry knew that the world would be so much worse without him. 

 

“I... “ Louis started. 

 

But how could he put it into words. How can anyone articulate something so clearly that another person could understand it perfectly? Louis didn’t really think there was any way to put what he was feeling- was still feeling- into words. 

 

“You don’t have to explain,” Harry whispered as he saw Louis struggle to respond. But despite Louis not knowing, he would rather have attempted to explain it, then keep what he was feeling built up. He just felt… 

 

“Heavy. I feel so heavy all the time Harry. It feels like I’ve been carrying the world on my shoulders and it’s just crushing me. Everyday it gets a little heavier, and it just... started to demolish me. And for what? What’s all the pressure for? I am no one.. I’m nothing special, so why was I tasked with this?” 

 

“Louis, please. You’re not no one,” Harry knew how hard it would be for him to hear this, and if Louis didn’t know how to explain it, Harry certainly didn’t know how to respond to it.

 

“But I am! I am no one… I am,” Louis choked back a sob, “I am  _ nothing _ , Harry.”

 

“You are the absence of nothing. You’re caring, and intelligent. You’re funny and compassionate… adroit, effulgent, brilliant, tenacious, radiant… brave. You’re everything Louis,” Harry pleaded for him to understand that he was so much more than what he thought he was. 

 

“ I don’t feel like any of that... I feel nothing but this weight- I didn’t… I don’t see a point to living if this is what it’s going to be like. 

 

To live with this pain… is not living at all,” Louis cried. 

 

26 letters in the English alphabet and a million words to choose from and no combination of them would be an appropriate response to what Louis was saying. But Harry attempted to with just three words and eight letters…

 

“I love you,” Harry said desperately. 

 

“I love you. I love everything about you, Louis.” 

 

Louis wiped away his tears, “then you’ve fallen in love with nothing.” 

  
  
  



	17. Chapter 17

“You finish that second verse, Harry?” Julian asked him the next week.

 

Harry gave him a thumbs up. After his conversation with Louis, he thought he had finally managed to write a new verse to fit with the previous lyrics. 

 

“Alright, let’s hear it then… starting at…?” 

 

“Right after the first, ‘now you know me, for your eyes only.’”

 

“Got that?” Julian asked the musicians, who nodded. 

 

“ _ Now you know me, _

_ For your eyes only…”  _

 

Everytime Harry sang this song he thought only about the pain that Louis was holding onto, and the new verse he wrote punched him in the gut. He didn’t know if he’d be able to make it through without crying. But Harry breathed in deeply and began…

 

“ _ I’ve got scars, _

_ Even though they can’t always be seen…  _

 

_ And pain gets hard, _

_ But now you’re here and… _

 

_ And I don’t feel a thing. _

 

_ Pay attention, _

_ I hope that you listen, _

_ ‘Cause I let my guard down. _

 

_ Right now I’m completely defenseless…”  _

 

“I didn’t think the song could get much better than what it was before, but jesus, Harry. That is beautiful. I think we just need one more complete recording, and we’ll have everything we need to get this record rolling. You sound incredible… I am blown away,” Julian said sincerely. 

 

Harry nodded his head in thanks and started the song once more…

 

***

“Just had a listen to the record, Harry. It is incredible…” 

 

“Yeah, Harry I’m so proud of you.”

 

“Thank you guys so much. I couldn’t have done it without either of you,” Harry smiled graciously at Nick and Niall. 

 

“I’ll be honest with you,” Niall disclosed, “I cried the first time I listened.” 

 

Harry sighed, “yeah, I tear up almost every time I sing it… it’s hard.” 

 

“Yeah but that’s what makes it real,” Nick inserted, “that’s why people are going to love it.” 

 

“It’s so…” Harry started.

 

“Personal?” Niall asked.

 

“Intimate?” Nick followed.

 

“Yes to both. It’s something that I wanted to get off my chest but…” 

 

“Not exactly something you want to be out there?” Nick suggested.

 

Harry nodded.

 

“I get that, Harry. It’s like your lyrics, you’re being defenseless and it’s scary. I’ve written enough music to understand that. You worry that maybe people will criticize and judge…”

 

“Not only that,” Harry interrupted, “but I’m just scared it will start to mean less and less the more I perform it… I mean assuming I’ll end up performing it.” 

 

“I understand that too… you just have to remind yourself from time to time why you wrote it, and it won’t lose meaning. Especially with a song like this…”

 

“I… appreciate you both more than you could possibly know,” Harry told them, truthfully.

 

“I call dibs on being the first radio station to play it, H,” Nick grinned. 

 

Luckily for Nick, it was just a week later when he was able to do this.

 

Louis was driving back from therapy listening to 102.7, when, “new music from Harry Styles, playing now.” 

 

Louis must have misheard that, but he turned the radio up and immediately, the unmistakable voice of Harry filled the car. Harry was writing music- not only writing music, but had a producer and was actually being played on the radio? Louis had really been missing out on a lot recently. 

 

Just as it went at the wedding, Harry sounded like he was singing only to Louis, his voice targeting Louis’ heart directly. By the time the song finished Louis had pulled into his driveway, his heart pounding. While a new song was playing, the words of Harry’s song lingered in the air. 

 

Louis sent a text to Harry, “just heard the new song.” 

 

And Harry responded, “it was for you.” 

  
  


***

 

“Louis, I don’t know how many times I have to tell you this, but I love you, and I want to be with you. More than anything else in the world.” 

 

“I know, Harry. I’m just scared…” 

 

“Of what?” 

 

“That you’re going to leave me.” 

 

“Louis, I’m not going to leave you… I’m not going anywhere.” 

 

Louis had such a hard time believing this. He’d lost too many people in his life- his mom and sister permanently, Harry temporarily. But he knew at any moment Harry could be taken away from him permanently, too. 

 

“I know you love me, Louis. So why are you hesitating?” 

 

“I just don’t want to lose you.” 

 

“You won’t… you never did. I’ve been here the entire time…” Harry paused, “it’s always been you, Louis.” 

 

*** 

 

Harry moved back in with Louis a couple of weeks later. Things were good, but Louis was still working through some personal issues, and Harry tried to be there for him as much as he could. He tried his best to do things that would remind Louis of how much he loved him. 

 

And Louis was so thankful for that support as he tried to get better. After all, love was just an act of survival, and if Louis was going to persevere for anyone, it was going to be for Harry. And his family, of course.

 

Lottie wanted to come as soon as she heard but it wasn’t possible with the kids. Louis promised he’d visit soon, hopefully with Harry, and that he’d call every week and give them an update. 

 

After the incident Louis had been given a lot of time to reflect. It was weird… to go from wanting to die, to wanting to live for someone. And he truly wanted to live for Lottie, and his siblings, Niall, Nick, and Harry. It was a small list, but it was something. 

 

Of course Louis had his hard days… progress wasn’t a linear situation. It was a varying degree of ups and down. Whenever things got dark, however, Louis would just think of them, and it would push him on.

 

More importantly, he recognized how it would have been for all of them if he left. It would be the same as how he felt when he lost his mother and sister. Louis couldn’t bare to put that kind of pain onto them. 

 

As for Harry, he was trying really hard to make things good for Louis, but he couldn’t help but feel like he was constantly walking on eggshells. One wrong move and Louis would crack again. Luckily, he was kept fairly busy with his music, and he put all his emotion into his songs. Julian wanted him to get an EP out as soon as possible.

 

He went through everything he had written over his time off and eliminated and chose different songs to include. “Sweet Creature” and “If I Could Fly” (he had renamed ‘For Your Eyes Only’) were for sure going to be on the EP, and he had six more spots to fill. He had songs ranging from folk, to rock, to pop, but he didn’t know what he wanted his sound to be.

  
“I want it to be different and unique,” Harry had told Louis, to which he responded,

 

“So you want it to be like you…”

 

***

 

After a hard day in the studio, Harry had decided on five of the six songs for the EP. Along with the other two, he added Sign of the Times, Meet me in the Hallway, Only Angel, Ever Since New York and Just a Little Bit of Your Heart. He didn’t think any of the other songs were good enough, but hadn’t found any inspiration to write another, either.

 

Harry was pretty discouraged, but when he came home he was greeted with the smell of a home-cooked meal, and instantaneously his mood got better.

 

“Harry! I uh, attempted to make us a nice meal because I know how busy you’ve been with your music and everything.. But it didn’t work out well, so I ordered from our favorite Chinese place,” Louis smiled sweetly. 

 

“Louis, I-” Harry grinned, “it’s the thought that counts, my love.” 

 

Harry and Louis sat down for dinner, and things felt like they had before all of that shit that happened between them. Louis was his usual cheeky and chatty self, cracking jokes. Louis was happy and so was Harry. 

 

Louis was also, apparently, really horny.

 

“On your knees, Styles,” Louis told Harry assertively later in their bedroom, to which Harry graciously obliged.

 

“Hands behind your back.” Louis went on pulling off his own shirt, and unzipping his pants. Harry looked at him hungrily and Louis didn’t miss it. 

 

Louis, being the tease that he was as always, slowly pulled his pants down followed by his underwear, his dick springing out. 

 

Harry licked his lips, as Louis grabbed onto the back of his head, pulling it up so Harry was looking directly into his eyes. 

 

“You want it?” He asked, smugly.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Yes what?” 

 

“Yes daddy, I do.” 

 

“That’s better…” he re-directed Harry’s head so it was right in front of his dick as Harry stuck out his tongue waiting for it. Louis moved forward and soon enough Harry’s mouth was wrapped around his dick. 

 

One of Louis’ hands was still clutching Harry’s hair as the other stroked his dick moving with Harry’s mouth. 

 

“Fuck, you feel so good Harry,” Louis moaned in ecstasy. Harry, still too preoccupied to respond continued to work his mouth over Louis’ dick until Louis let out another longer groan, his cum filling Harry’s mouth. 

 

“Turn around,” Louis said not wasting any time. Harry followed his orders and turned around on his hands and knees. Louis gave Harry’s ass a little slap, before putting lube on his dick, despite Harry already doing that for him. 

 

Upon Louis entering him, Harry let out a quiet moan, which got increasingly louder as Louis thrusted inside him. 

 

Louis once again grabbed onto Harry’s hair, pulling his head back. 

 

“You look so pretty on all fours,” he mumbled. 

 

Harry was trying not to cry out as he could feel himself reaching climax. 

 

Louis noticed, “don’t cum yet.” 

 

He continued to thrust into Harry, who was struggling to not finish. 

 

“I want you to beg.” 

 

“Please,” Harry said. 

 

“Please let me cum…” 

 

“Hmm…” Louis muttered indecisively. 

 

“Please,” Harry cries out, his voice strained. 

 

Louis didn’t want to torture him any longer. 

 

“Alright, you can cum.” 

 

Harry’s body trembled as he climaxed, Louis soon following suit. 

 

After that, neither could resist a good cuddle session. 

 

Louis has his arms wrapped around Harry, his face nuzzled into the back of his neck, Harry’s hair tickling his face. 

 

“I love you.” 

 

“And I love you.” 

  
  


***

 

“Harry I can’t believe you whipped out a song this fast,” Julian exclaimed. 

 

“I had a sudden wave of motivation,” Harry responded, blushing. 

 

“It’s…really good but uh maybe a little revealing?” 

 

Harry shrugged, “people can speculate about the lyrics all they want. I think it’d be a good addition.” 

 

Julian nodded, “well you’re the artist you can do whatever you want. Do you have a name for it?” 

 

Harry smirked, “Medicine.” 

 

***

 

“I can’t believe you’re going to have an entire EP out soon- and in such a short time, that’s amazing.” 

 

Louis and Harry had invited Nick and Niall over for drinks and a listening party. 

 

“Thank you, it’s so surreal.. I never imagined that this would happen. And it’s all because of you guys,” Harry brimmed with joy. 

 

“So when does it officially come out?” 

 

Harry checked his watch, “midnight, so an hour.” 

 

“Well cheers to that,” Niall said raising a glass. 

 

“What do you think is going to happen after this?” 

 

Harry shrugged, “I’m not expecting much. I just hope people like it. It’s definitely… different.” Harry was suddenly becoming really insecure about the music. It wasn’t like the stuff that was on the radio. 

 

“I’m sure it’ll be great. From the music I’ve heard already I can’t imagine it not doing well,” Nick said, proudly. 

 

“What if you’re asked to go on tour?” Harry looked at Louis. They had already discussed the possibility, and even though Louis wouldn’t say it, he couldn’t imagine not having Harry around. 

 

Harry shrugged again, “we’ll just have to wait and see.” 

 

The boys chatted for the next hour, until Louis stood up and said, “it’s time.” 

 

Harry checked Spotify, and under new releases was his self titled EP. 

 

“Shall we?” Louis asked, clicking play. 

 

The sound of a piano filled the room as Sign of the Times started playing. Harry looked at the boys nervously, judging their reactions as the song continued. 

 

Just as the song had started it ended with the piano leading out. 

 

“Your music has always left me speechless, Harry,” Niall said, “but that… blew me away. Holy shit, I don’t have words.” 

 

Harry blushed, thankful that they enjoyed it. 

 

“It’s… incredible Harry,” Louis said, “I’m so proud..”

 

“Alright,” Harry pushed on, slightly embarrassed from all the attention, “There’s still five songs you haven’t heard yet…” 

 

‘Only Angel’ had drawn a similar reaction, but it was ‘Ever Since New York’ and ‘Meet me in the Hallway’ that really impressed all of them. 

 

Nick accredited ‘Just a Little bit of your Heart’ to being similar in style to ‘Sweet Creature’ and ‘If I Could Fly’.

 

“Okay last one,” Louis said. 

 

“This one is called ‘Medicine’.” 

 

Harry was already turning red before the song even started, but grew more colored realizing that his friends were listening to a song he wrote about sucking Louis’ dick. 

 

Niall and Nick looked between the two of them smirking, and Louis, like Harry, was red as well. 

 

“So, you uh- finished that EP with a bang, huh?” Niall laughed. 

 

Harry grimaced, “yeah...I guess you could say that.” 

 

“Still incredible. All of it, seriously. That’s going to blow up,” Niall said. 

 

“Yeah, I’ll make sure of it,” Nick added. 

 

Louis couldn’t contain his pride for Harry, and he wanted Harry to blow up. He was just that talented and he deserved it. More than anyone. 

 

But Louis knew what the price of fame could cost, and he didn’t know if he wanted to pay it. 

 

***

 

“Fastest EP to reach 1 million streams, and placed #1 on the charts… that is amazing,” Julian beamed with pride in the studio the next day. 

 

“I’ve got interviews lined up,” Harry sighed. Of course he was happy that the reviews had been mostly positive- he knew there would be people who didn’t like it, but he wasn’t expecting a response like this.

 

It actually did blow up, the boy from the small town of Holmes chapel, had a hit EP. It was one of those, “if he could make it big, you can too,” stories that everyone loved so much. 

 

But now he realized that the chance to go on tour was higher than he thought, and he didn’t want to leave Louis. Not now. Not ever. 

 

“Well, we’re all so proud of you. And hope you take some time for yourself amidst this craziness. You deserve it,” Julian patted him on the back. 

 

Harry was overwhelmed with everything that happened and knew he and Louis would have to have a serious conversation about it. 

 

***

 

“You love music, Harry.” Louis said later that day. 

 

“I do, but I love you more,” Harry responded. 

 

“I can’t ask you to do this, Harry. If… if you’re asked about a tour I want you to do it.” Louis was saying this despite him wanting Harry to decline it. But he would never ever, let Harry miss out on an opportunity like this because of him. That would just be selfish.

 

“Louis. Things are just starting to get back to normal with us, and I- I promised you I wouldn’t leave you. And I’m not going to.” 

 

“Harry I can’t hold you back from doing this,” Louis said, although admittedly he  _ was _ selfish, so he was kind of happy that Harry felt that way. He was right, things were good with them. 

 

“You’re not holding me back from anything, Lou. I’m not going to stop making music. And anyways a tour deserves more songs. It can wait…” 

 

“And besides,” Harry continued, “I don’t even know if I’m going to get asked to go…” 

 

“I love you,” Louis sighed.

 

“I love you more.” 

 

And it was true Harry loved Louis more than he had ever loved anything. So when Harry was inevitably asked about a potential tour just a few days later, he politely declined. 

 

“I can’t say I’m surprised, but are you sure you want this, H?” Niall asked. 

 

“I love Louis to death, but if he told you not to…” 

 

“No, no he didn’t. I just don’t think it’s the best time for it right now ya know? Like everything is just happening so fast, and I need it to slow down for a little bit.” 

 

Niall nodded, “I get that. And don’t worry about it. The world will be waiting for you when you decide you want to go on tour.” 

 

Harry sighed, “yeah I just need the world to stop for a little bit.” 

  
  



	18. Chapter 18

Louis was feeling lighter than he had in ages. Slowly but surely that weight that was killing him was releasing its hold on him; the claws of the world no longer digging into his back. 

 

He and Harry spent so much time together- Harry writing more and more music everyday, and Louis got the pleasure of listening to it. 

 

And if he wasn’t with Harry physically, he was still with Harry, watching him on tv or listening to his interviews on the radio. 

 

Louis was happy to cheer Harry on from the sidelines, always filled with an immense amount of  pride. 

 

There were some moments though, he’d get drowned with a wave of sadness, realizing how much Harry had accomplished when he, again, was doing nothing. Harry never made him feel like that, though, for which he was grateful. 

 

Harry would constantly tell him how proud he was for having the strength to get up in the morning. It seemed pathetic, but it really was a big deal. Any day Louis decided to get out of bed was an accomplishment. 

 

Harry knew when Louis was feeling that pressure, and always asked him about it. 

 

“Tell me what you’re feeling,” he’d say to Louis. Some days it was sadness, anger, stress, anxiety, fear. Those days when Louis was filled with fear, Harry would always reassure him… “I won’t let anything happen to you.” 

 

Louis’ sadness came and went, but with Harry he never felt the urge to leave. Harry made him see all the things that were beautiful in the world… Louis even started seeing some of that beauty in himself.

 

“You’re beautiful,” Harry had said softly, stroking Louis’ cheek. The sunlight casting a shadow across his face. 

 

Harry laid there, staring at Louis intensely as he traced all around Louis’ face, starting with his forehead moving down to his lips. 

 

Louis let out a sigh of content. 

 

Harry had leaned down to kiss him, his lips brushing softly against Louis’, leaving it to linger. 

 

Those soft, tender moments full of love and happiness were what kept Louis sane and hopeful for the future. 

 

***

 

“I have news, Harry,” Julian began, “some people over at The Forum want you to perform in two weeks. And since you weren’t planning on touring this year, I figured it would be a good lead in to see if you even liked it. It would be a pretty selective group of people, only about 500. And you could perform whatever you wanted.” 

 

Harry nodded, satisfied, although he wouldn’t consider 500 people selective. However, this really was the best case scenario, “yeah that sounds great. I’ll work on a set list and get back to you.” 

 

“Wonderful! I’ll let them know. Feel free to invite whoever.” 

 

***

 

“Well of course, I’ll be there Harry!” Is what both Nick and Niall responded. 

 

Harry’s mom as well vowed to make the drive, “anything to support my baby.” 

 

“I can’t get over how insane this has been for you,” Nick said over coffee. Harry couldn’t believe it either. Just a year ago he was a nobody, engaged to a cheating ass hole, dealing with his psychotic ex, and was suppressing  his feelings for the one he really loved. 

 

“It doesn’t feel real,” Harry admitted.

 

“Oh, it is. It’s all very real. And you deserve every bit of success that’s going to come your way…” Nick mused. 

 

Harry sighed, “but I can’t help but feel badly about all of this. Things were just starting to settle down with Louis, and now things are unraveling again.” 

 

“Don’t. I know Louis wouldn’t want you to feel bad. He’s just as proud of you as we all are. And nothing’s unraveling, H. You’re still you, and he’s still himself, and I don’t think anything is going to change that.”

 

“I don’t know-“

 

“Harry please, things have been hard on you in the past. And now things are starting to come to you easily and you can’t accept it. But please, I’m begging you. Just let it happen.” 

 

“I don’t want to lose him again.” This had been a reoccurring thought in Harry’s mind. Always worrying that one day he’d just wake up and Louis would be gone, leaving him alone. 

 

“Well from what I know, neither of you want to lose each other. You guys have been through so much. And if it isn’t love that’s working to keep you two together even after all this time, I don’t know what is. Just trust that everything will work out Harry.

 

I don’t know how many times I have to tell you this, but things happen unexpectedly, and it may not be pleasant. But everything will always,  _ always  _ work out in the end... 

  
  


And you and Louis, are no exception.” 

 

***

 

It was the night of the concert and Harry fluttered nervously. The last time he performed live in front of people other than Louis was at Niall’s wedding and that was only to about 200 people. But tonight that size doubled. 

 

Harry felt his stomach turn as he paced back and forth in his dressing room. He had asked Louis, Niall, and Nick to stay away, so he was confused when he heard a knock on his door. 

 

“Hello?” 

 

“Harry!” His mom immediately gave him a one-armed hug and a kiss on the cheek. 

 

“These are for you,” she said handing him the bouquet of flowers. 

 

“Oh mom, these are beautiful. You didn’t have to.” 

 

“Well of course, I did. It’s your first big live performance!” Harry grimaced. 

 

“You nervous?” She asked. Harry nodded, afraid that if he opened his mouth he’d hurl. 

 

“Oh baby, you have no reason to be nervous. Come here,” she embraced him in a hug, “you’re going to do wonderful.” And as only mothers could do, Harry calmed down instantly. 

 

He deepened his breaths and felt his heart rate return to normal. 

 

“Fifteen minutes Harry,” a stagehand interrupted. 

 

“I guess that’s my cue,” Anne said, pulling away. but before leaving she grabbed both of Harry’s hands. 

 

“You’re going to be phenomenal,” she kissed him on the forehead. 

 

“And if you really need to, just picture the audience in their underwear.” She left him with that final piece of advice. 

 

Harry smiled, checking the clock to see that he had ten minutes until the concert started. He took a sip of water, ran a brush through his curls, and looked through his setlist one last time. 

 

_ Sign of the Times  _

 

_ Meet me in the Hallway  _

 

_ You’re still the one (cover)  _

 

_ Only angel  _

_ Ultralight Beam (cover) _

 

_ Ever since New York  _

 

_ If I could fly  _

 

_ The Chain (cover) _

 

_ Just a Little bit of your Heart  _

 

_ Sweet Creature  _

 

Harry had decided not to perform Medicine considering the fact that he had friends and his mom in the audience. But overall he was really proud and satisfied with what he had.

 

“You ready?” Julian popped his head in.

 

Harry nodded.

 

Julian grinned, “Alright, it’s showtime baby!” 

 

Harry twittered nervously behind the curtain as he heard the light chatter of people in the audience. Two minutes until showtime.. Harry watched the clock tick by agonizingly slow, until there was just thirty seconds to go. 

  
  


Harry inhaled deeply, and closed his eyes, trying to settle the nerves. Behind him the piano started to play the intro to Sign of the Times, the curtain swinging open. 

 

Harry didn’t even have time to look at the audience before he was passionately singing along to the words he wrote just a month ago. 

 

The song finished, and the audience erupted into cheers and whistles. Harry finally dared to open his eyes. He searched around until his eyes finally settled on his mom, Nick, Niall, and Louis all grinning up at him. 

 

Harry breathed a sigh of relief. 

 

“I’m Harry Styles,” he said into the mic, “and I just want to thank you all for coming. Are you guys ready to have a good time?” He asked, receiving a large cheer in response. 

 

“I want you all to know that you’re all welcome and accepted here. And for the next hour and a half, I just want you to do whatever makes you happiest.” 

 

Harry smiled, and started on the next song. 

 

Louis stood in the audience, in awe of the person who was in front of him. He was… confident and radiant. Harry was certainly destined to be a performer, it was clear from how comfortable he was on stage. 

 

And in his sparkling pink suit he exuded beauty in its highest form. Louis was so lucky he was able to call that god-like person, his. 

 

The concert passed by in no time, and Harry was surprised when he was already on his last song. Harry looked out at the crowd once more, and beamed so brightly the lights behind him didn’t stand a chance. 

 

“You look amazing, Los Angeles. You all know this last song, I want you guys to sing it as loud as you can.” 

 

“ _ Sweet creature…”  _ and to hear those 500 people singing song with him, brought tears to his eyes. Harry had to stop singing, as he smiled fondly at the beautiful people in front of him, taking it all in. 

 

Harry eventually joined them again, finishing off the song. 

 

“ _ When I run out of road… you bring me home.”  _

 

The audience cheered and hollered, as Harry signaled them to quiet down. “Thank you all so much for being here tonight. You’re all beautiful, beautiful people,” he blew kisses into the crowd. 

 

“Before I go, I want to leave you all with this. Every single day when we wake up, we have a choice of what to put out into the world,” he paused, “and I hope that you choose love every day. Thank you so much. I love you.” 

 

The cheers continued to be deafening as Harry walked off the stage, so full of joy and gratitude that he couldn’t stop smiling. 

 

“There he is!” Harry recognized Nick’s voice immediately. Behind him Louis, Niall and his mom. 

 

“I’m so fucking proud of you! You’re a rockstar.” 

 

Harry could feel the tears starting to form. 

 

“Oh, don’t cry love!” Louis said, rushing up to give him a hug, “happy times, yeah?” 

 

“Yes, they’re happy tears don’t worry,” Harry reassured. 

 

“You were brilliant,” Louis said a little quieter so just Harry could hear. 

 

“That was even better than I expected. My baby, all grown up.” 

 

Harry blushed, “aw mom, please.” 

 

“Uh uh, I’m not going to shut up about this for awhile. I’m so stinking proud of you,” she leaned in closer, and said into his ear, “I’m proud of you for picking Louis, too. He is wonderful.” 

 

And it wasn’t the crowd or the concert or even his friends that made this night better than it already was, but that comment from his mom… he knew everything that had happened was worth it.

 

Harry smiled even more broadly, as his tears glimmered around his eyes. 

 

“Jeez,” he said wiping his eyes, “I didn’t expect it to feel like this.” 

 

He had all these people in front of him who kept telling him how proud of him they were, and Harry supposed he was proud of himself too. 

 

“Alright boys, should we go back to my place to celebrate?” Niall suggested.

 

“Mrs. Twist, you’re welcome to come too,” Niall added. 

 

She laughed, “thank you, Niall. But I should get on the road. I have a decent drive ahead of me.” 

 

She turned to Harry, giving him a big kiss on the forehead, “no matter how big you get, don’t forget that you’ll always be my baby.”

 

“I love you, mom,” Harry said giving her a kiss on the cheek back.

 

She said her goodbyes to Niall and Nick, and gave Louis a big hug. 

 

“It was so great meeting you, Louis. Feel free to visit anytime… with or without Harry. I’ve always got some tea or coffee on hand.”

 

Louis smiled, his insides filling with warmth. “I might take you up on that.”

 

“Careful,” Harry butted in, “he’ll eat everything and the kitchen sink.” 

 

“Oh shush,” Louis rolled his eyes.

 

Anne laughed, and squeezed one of Harry’s hands and one of Louis’ hand. “I love you.” 

 

And Louis almost burst into tears with Harry right then and there, as it had been a long time since he felt the warm presence of a mother. 

 

“So drinks?” Niall asked again, after Anne had left.

 

“Yes, I have to finish up some stuff around here first, then I’ll meet you there… say,” Harry checked his watched, “ten-thirty?” 

 

Niall nodded, “sounds good. Louis, you coming back with us?” 

 

Louis shook his head, “no I’ll just stay back here with Harry.” 

  
  



	19. Chapter 19

Louis and Harry were in the car on their way to Niall’s. Harry as usual, misinterpreted the time it would take for him to finish and help clean things up at the venue- having not one, but three interviews- he was running late.

 

“I feel so bad,” Harry mumbled, stepping on the gas a little bit. 

 

Louis chuckled, “to be honest Harry. I think everyone knows that when you tell them you’ll be somewhere they add a half hour onto the time. I’m sure Niall won’t mind… he’s got Nick to keep him company, anyways.” 

 

Harry figured Louis was right. 

 

“You know Harry,” Louis said, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you shine as bright as you did tonight.”

 

“What do you mean?” Harry questioned. 

 

“I mean, I almost didn’t recognize you. It was like you were this outer worldly person- you were radiant.” 

 

Harry chuckled, “it’s funny that you say that, Louis.”

 

“Why’s that?”

 

“That’s how I feel every time I look at you.” 

 

“Harry,” Louis said, brushing that comment off. “You always tell me how beautiful I am… and you never fail to make me feel beautiful, but I feel like I’ve been doing a terrible job at doing the same for you.” 

 

“Nonsense, lou-“ 

 

“No Harry. Please. Just let me compliment you, Jesus,” he sighed, exasperated, making Harry laugh harder. 

 

“Be careful what you say next, my ego is already at an all time high.” 

 

“From the minute I met you, you took my breath away. Technically I don’t really remember our first meeting, but I’m sure you took my breath away just as you did the second time i saw you. And tonight, you did it again. I felt breathless the entire time you were on that stage performing.

 

It kind of blows my mind that someone like you is with someone like me… but I guess that feeling is mutual.

 

I remember you telling me about one of our first nights together. How I had fallen asleep and you just sat there and admired me which,” Louis stopped, “is almost more creepy than romantic, but anyways. You called me the sun, and that you were nothing but the moon and you couldn’t shine without me. But that works adversely too… what’s the purpose of the sun if it isn’t to help the moon glow? There isn’t one…

 

So sure, it was accurate that you are the moon. But not because you aren’t special. But because you give me a purpose. You give me a reason to be alive, and for that- for that I will always thank you for, and also what makes you the most beautiful.”

 

“Jesus, Louis. Are you trying to make me cry even more than I already have?” Harry joked, sniffling. 

 

“I’m just telling you the truth, Harry. And I know I haven’t said it enough recently, but I love you. I love you so much.” 

 

“Oh, Louis. You’ve never had to tell me that. I know you do.” Harry turned to him. “I’m so glad I waited for you, I waited for this- you are  _ the _ thing I’ve been waiting for my entire life.” 

 

“I’ve been waiting for you, too. And I choose you in the this life, Harry. In any life, I would choose you,” Louis responded. 

 

Harry took his right hand off the steering wheel, grabbing Louis’. Harry smiled, pulling Louis’ hand up to his mouth, kissing it gently. 

 

Louis met Harry’s eyes. Harry’s smile broadened as he averted his eyes back to the road. In that split second, Harry’s smile turned to fear. Louis just barely had time to process what was happening as the car came crashing in front of them. 

 

***

 

“I know Harry’s usually late, but he’s never  _ this _ late,” Nick said, concerned. 

 

“Yeah and with Louis with him… one of them should have called. I’ll call Louis,” Niall said picking up his phone and dialing.

 

After a few seconds, “Hello? Louis? Where are you? Wait… wait what?!” Niall gasped. “What do you mean?” 

 

“Niall,” Nick whispered, “what’s happening?” 

 

“Turn on the TV,” Niall said urgently. 

 

“Why?”

 

“Just turn it on, please.”

 

_ Reports of a drunk-driving accident have just surfaced. Please stay clear of S. Beaudry and W. 3rd Street. We are unaware of the details besides that  a driver has swerved into oncoming traffic hitting a car. We don’t know who the victims are. It appears to be two young men…  _

 

And in that final moment just after impact, the memories between Harry and Louis came flooding back in waves.

 

_ “Uh yeah, I’m Louis it’s nice to meet you.”  _

 

  * __“I’m Harry, Harry Styles.”__



 

 

_ “Come on, are you going to make me dance by myself?” _

 

_ “I don’t think you have it in you to hurt anyone…”  _

 

_ “The world isn’t fair...”  _

 

_ “I just never felt like I deserved it… but you… you make me feel like I deserve it.”  _

 

  * __“Because you do Lou, you deserve everything.”__



 

 

_ “I won’t let anything happen to you...”  _

 

_ “I love you” _

 

  * __“And I love you”__



 

  
  


And then, just like that, the world stopped turning

  
  



	20. Chapter 20

Louis really fucking hated hospitals. 

 

He sat beside Harry in his hospital bed, his hand clasped tightly around Harry’s who’s vitals had finally returned to normal. The doctor had said that Harry was going to be alright, but it would be awhile before he awoke.

 

Louis watched him, watched his chest rise and fall and his eyes flutter occasionally. 

 

Louis remembered the accident so clearly. He remembered Harry taking his right hand off the steering wheel to grab onto louis’. 

 

He remembered Harry’s dimpled smile as he turned to look at Louis, kissing his hand. 

 

And he also remembered everything suddenly going black, and the sounds… the sounds of an inflating air bag, the shattering of glass, and the screeching of metal on metal. 

 

Luckily for Harry and Louis, when the car crossed over onto the wrong side of the road, they were moving well under the speed limit, but clearly it didn’t stop it from causing serious damage. 

 

Louis managed to escape with little injuries, but knew he’d be left with bruises and scars. The driver of the other car had survived as well with minimal damage. The reason for his negligence was because he was drinking before he decided that it would be a good idea to drive. 

 

And Harry, Harry got the worst of it. 

 

Louis’ heart filled with sadness, once again cursing the world for being unfair. 

 

But the more he watched Harry, the more he realized he was wrong. He had been wrong about everything. It wasn’t the world that had been weighing on his shoulders, and it wasn’t the physical world that was causing all of this pain. 

 

It was something else. Something unidentifiable. There was no one to blame for the things that had happened. No one to point a finger at. Not the world, not a god, nothing. Things just happened without warning, without a set up. There was no plan for anyone. 

 

So no, Louis concluded. It wasn’t the world that he had been feeling on his shoulders… the world wasn’t a thing or a place. It was a person. And the world had been standing next to him the entire time. 

 

And so it was now, that he held this world in his right hand. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if this ending is considered a cliffhanger?? If it is please comment and I'll write an epilogue, but I think the ending is beautiful so!
> 
> Glad you made it to the end. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Don't forget to like and comment.
> 
> xx


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